i miss my routine. getting on the board half as much these days. got my eye on an apartment situation a month by month thing so i can live in my own space...which i am looking foward to...
part of my new journey consists of a divorce which i have been coming to terms with for months now.
i have been finding that i am a person to fight for and to know that i don't have to be anyones doormat...so they can wipe their boots off on me for things in their past that they refuse to deal with.
i know it sounds like one of thoes situations that could be a time that would be difficult...but it really isn't.
this program taught and teaches me everyday how life is too short to be unhappy, to fight for someone who obviously does not love me, or would not try to convince me that i am useless and crazy...that i need to do certian things to have them in my life.
to follow me around the yard and say that nothing you do is good enough...
you see my friends i used to fret about this stuff and want to crawl into a bottle and want to die, before this program. now i know what is my stuff and what is theirs and the freedom to change and want better for myself. i know all i ever tried to do is love them and be there for them everytime they needed me and well i know i tried and i can live with that.
i hope you all know how these choices we can make are the greatest gift this program has to offer. fredom from bondage and from settling for things like toxic relationships.
chasing love that isn't there, because you love them is insanity...serenity prayer & acceptance is the key to unlock these chains that hold us down from our potential.
thanks for letting me vent....good night love you all and God bless
"Freedom from Bondage." "Chasing unconditional love, that just isnt there"
Its weird Ellen. At the same time you put your post on the board, I was writing one. I checked the board, before posting mine--read yours--and cancelled mine-lol
It was almost identical.
Up until this afternoon, I still had emotional strings attached to the past. Somewhere in today I totally accepted, and Let Go. And said the same thing. I have not been perfect, but Ive tried my best.
Time to move on, and yes life is short.
We deserve to be treated with respect, we deserve to get unconditional love, when we give unconditional love. We deserve to be accepted for who we are, and not what others wish us to be. We deserve our space and freedom as individuals, and not hafta play the control and manipulation games, that others play, because of their insecurities.
And the big one that you mentioned? Doormats for other peoples crap.
All I know for sure is, that we learn and we grow--through our experiences and our program, and we become free to make healthy choices, as youve also mentioned.
Somewhere out there Ellen, there is someone that God will put in your life to love you unconditionally as you are. That will accept you and respect you for the loving, honest person that you are. I firmly beleive that.
Thanks for sharing---ly--Phil
__________________
Easy Does it..Keep It Simple..Let Go and Let God..
I have the right to be treated with respect. I have the right to say no and not feel guilty. I have the right to experience and express my feelings. I have the right to take time for myself. I have the right to ask for what I want. I have the right to ask for information. I have the right to make mistakes. I have the right to do less than I am humanly capable of. I have the right to feel good about myself. I have the right to act only in ways that promote my dignity and self-respect as long as others are not violated in the process.
__________________
Easy Does it..Keep It Simple..Let Go and Let God..
I'm still hanging on, wonder if that's stupid or not. I admire your courage and facing the fears...I've faced the fears but still want to make things work. I feel betrayed but wonder how much of that was my part. I shouldn't try to own ANY of what happened, but I do. Guess I better call the sponsor again, huh?
I decided on action today, and action is what i did. I followed through on my intentions, it feels good!
i went to 3 meetings today, the last one happened to be a birthday meeting, 2 years clean and sober. I remember this lady from my first treatment center. It was out of town and every Saturday night a group of members would get together to drive out to the treatment center to speak to us. I really don't remember anyone except this lady whose birthday it was today. What i remember about her...when i think about her i think action. She has worked very hard on her recovery. It really shows. To hear people speak about her tonight really had in me close to tears to many times to mention. How real of a person she is, cuts right to the chase, honest and no holds barred. in 2 years she has worked the steps completely a couple of times. In her house she has a sernity room that is absolutely beautiful. it was said that in the last 2 years she has not missed one morning in her serenity room. She has a relationship with her HP that i can't even describe to you.
When her husband got up to speak for some reason i saw the kind of relationship i dream of. He said they both have thier own recovery and keep it separate from their relationship. That their relationship is truly wonderful today. Honestly i can't put into words what i saw and felt today.
Relationships and unconditional love seem to be the topics here lately. I wish you could have seen what i saw today. iwas saying that i may be in denial about some things in my life and Ellen posted about what she will not tolerate anymore. Well i've been 'tolerating'. lowering my standards, because i "love" someone. It;'s not enough to wish something that may never be. It either is or it isn't. Yes, relationships take work but today i know what kind of rleationship i want. I really hope i'm not pipe dreaming. I can also say that i haven't seen happy people like that too much in my lifetime. Well, he was in recovery before she was and spoke about how hard it was for him to detach with love when she was laying on the basement floor 2 years ago wanting to die. That's what he had to do for himself. Thats what self love is, and we learn it from this program.
My recovery was strengthened today 10 fold because i chose to go to meetings. I saw what i needed to see and heard what i needed to hear. I bought myself another recovery book and i'm diving in head over heels. I'm amazed even after only 1 year how fast i can forget how serious this disease is. How hard i really do have to work if i want this. How willing my heart really is and how fast and strong my ego can get in the way and take over.
I'm excited again, i'm more hopeful and more grateful. I say more because i didn't lose my hope or willingness or gratitude but my recovery was starting to slip. To not be my #1 priority. Not only is everyday a new day but i gotta work on my recovery like its the first day. When i was in treatment i remember how i felt when i really and truly accepted and surrendered to being an addict. How freeing it felt. How eager i was to learn and grow. How awestruck i was by the things i was learning. Today i got that zest back. Thank God!!
There was a newcomer at one of the meetings. I saw that look in his eyes of emptiness. Spiritual void.
When asked to share all he could muster was that he didn't know what to say except that he didn't want to use anymore. Oh how i remember being in those shoes!! Its not enough for me to just read my meditations every day. Really i usually forget what i've read 5 minutes later. In treatment i used to journal my thoughts about the meditations everyday, i'm going back to that.
I've grabbed hold tight of the life preserver again today and nothing and no one is getting in my way. i'm thinking of the consequences. If i don't work it, it ain't gonna work!
Sobriety is and has to be #1.
just for today.
Thank you all for being here, i really do love you. I thank you for my sobriety and I thank God for yours.
Wendy
( i tried to post this as a new thread but can't for some reason, so i'm putting it here, hope you don't mind)
Nancy Jo