I'm not really looking for advice, because I know what the right answer is.... don't push, gladly answer any questions about AA if he ever wants to ask, offer to go with him to a meeting anytime he'd like to go. But I just need to get this off my chest.
My best friend from law school is probably an alcoholic. He has been a daily beer drinker and regular binge drinker (more so in the last couple of years) as long as I've known him (8 years). His dad died of alcoholism. He has called himself an alcoholic in a light, joking way (usually when drunk) on more than one occasion, and feels that he should cut down on his drinking (although he doesn't).
I told him when I had stopped drinking and started going to AA and he's been very supportive. But since I've been sober, I've had a hard time restraining myself from commenting on his drinking, although I've been successful so far.
He got married 3 months ago, and he and his wife are trying to have a baby. He quit smoking in hopes that it would improve the chances on his end of the equation (great!). I joked that now he just has to cut down on his drinking and start eating healthier ("and don't forget exercising!" he added.).
Anyway, so far I just bite my tongue, am glad to talk with him about drinking whenever he brings up the topic, and have offered a couple times to bring him to one of my AA meetings if he "ever wants to just check it out, see what it's like." But it's hard. I see him getting worse and I wish I could do something more, but I just remember that AA is a "program of attraction rather than promotion" and that being critical will just drive him away, and that nobody addresses their relationship with alcohol until THEY are ready to do so. But I want him to stop or at least slow down now not just for himself, but for his wonderful wife (with whom I am also friends) and his (hopefully) child, and it's hard to watch him not doing so.
So thanks for reading. It feels better to share it with you guys.
GG
P.S. In case you were wondering, it doesn't bother me or endanger my sobriety to be around friends who drink heavily, so that's not an issue. It's those late nights alone at home that are my danger zone...
Thank you GG for sharing your worries. we are here to support each other. Sorry to say, all you can do is be there for your friends and pray, pray, pray. It could take a long time for him to realize he can choose to live differently or want to live differently. Some people have a huge blind spot to their drinking, but their pocketbook is close to their heart. Not buying alcohol can free up money for other activities.... but better health is a huge benefit and the most important. He will have to see it on his own in his own time.... but prayer helps both him and you. jj
Not offering any advice, but thought it was a good time to share about a man I know, we are pals, in a way, he comes to my house, and does any repairs, I met him when I purchased this house from the Owner, he was the one that did a ton of building and repair before it was sold....
He is a very dear fun loving person, and everyone that knows him, always likes him a lot...
It was about three years ago, that he told me that a good friend of his, that sees me in meetings, told him I was in AA. Having my anonymity broken did not bother me at all in this particular case, cause he went on to tell me how he was in so much trouble, had just received his second DUI, and the attorneys costs were what was bothering him the most...
So I did take it upon myself to go into my office, give him my current copy of the Big Book, and also the 12 x 12. Said if he ever wanted to know how it was that I had stayed sober for amost 17 years, mentioned my very low bottom, and that life was so incredible without the daily intake of 80% Brandy.
I left it at that.
We see each other maybe 4 or 5 times a years, he has mentioned that he has gone to casinos and lost his family saving account, his wife has threatened to leave him, if he continues......he has a son, that does nothing but stay in his house, work with him, but mostly stays home smoking pot, crystal meth....he feels he needs to let him stay there so he can protect him.....
Dont really know if he will ever want to stop, the last time he was here, I was trying to think of something I had forgotton something about my house, and when I was trying to remember, he blurted out, "I Know you think I should be going to AA!".
I smiled at him, said no, not at all, I am however available, anytime you would like to go to a noon meeting, give me a call in the morning, so I wait wait for you...before I leave...
Left it there.....
For myself, I would only offer to go with him, if he asked, it is so much of a deep inside job, way deeper than a place where I can reach, it is between Him and His Higher Power. And he does know I am available for him...
Pray he makes it to our Rooms.
GG, thanks for the topic, I needed to get that out as well.
Good topic and we can ALL relate. I kicked my problem friends to the curb in a New York Minute. I have alcoholic friends who "just like to drink...a lot" and if they drank alcoholically around me or tried to pursuade me that I was not alcoholic I bid them farewell but left a light on for a future 12th Step, or when I felt ready to be around them.
Maybe after I'm more than a year into the program I can see more shades of gray, but right now it's black & white; people are either... A) good for my recovery, B) bad for my recovery or C) have no effect on my recovery.
I have to add that due to a very nomadic life history, I make friends easily and can then sever the ties easily as well. Most people form much deeper bonds with their friends & associates than I do. Now that I live in a town that I plan to stay in and call home for the rest of my days, I am allowing friendships to take deeper root. People from either A or C. It's weird, but I'm getting used to being asked to help people move, hugging, hearing gossip, having a church, knowing my kid's friends parents, smiling and waving.
My suggestion...let it lie until he asks you for help and by then...just hope you are strong enough to give it. Trying to fix others is a way of avoiding all the changes that need to happen in YOU. This program and, especially the first few years are time for YOU to work on yourself more than to pass the message. Step 12 comes last for a reason...work all other 11 first and then you will be in a better position to help another person who is willing and ready. Just my opinion. Be a friend, but you have to let that issue go because you are too wrapped up in it due to your own drastic changes with regard to alcohol and recovery.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Wow, lots of good stuff here, and I can relate to much of it. If it were me, the one drinking heavily, who had just got married to boot, there would be no worse time for me to think about quitting drinking than while everthing is "going great". Working on having a new baby and all.. people resist the idea that drinking makes it harder to have a child I think... especially on the man's side.. think of all the unwanted pregnancies that start due to a bender!!
I have loads of friends who used to drink (or still do) heavier even then I did... many from our early college-age days where we were "punk-rocking" it up at the infamous Kent State University nearby.... and I "see" some of them now on social networking sites, or in town if they're still around, many of them still drinking heavily and snapping photos of pints of Guinness Stout and such... but I resist the urge to encourage anyone else, whether near to me or not, that they need to cut back or quit. Why? Because it was the very last thing I wanted to hear. Plus, lots of people are somehow leading very successful and happy lives, and drinking heavily to boot, and not seeming to have the consequences (inside or outside) that I did. So, as usual, I have to leave my opinions to myself and concentrate on myself, where drinking/sobriety is concerned.
Are there people I'm concerned about that are close to me? Of course. Family is full of em'. But sobriety once mentioned is enough. If and when their drinking "hurts" bad enough, they know where to come for help. Until then, it is a waste of my time and energy to push a moot point. I am dedicating my efforts instead to trying to help myself, and offering a hand to others who are also "seeking" actively the same thing I am.
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
GG, the best thing you can do is be a good example of happy recovery. If he knows you attribute your sobriety and your good life to AA, when he's in enough pain he will know who to turn to. I know, it is what helped me in the doors when I was ready to give up on my drinking.
Thanks for the replies. And yeah, I wouldn't even be tempted to bring it up if he hadn't brought up to me on more than one occasion that he has concerns about his drinking.
Pinkchip -- thanks for your input, I don't labor under the delusion that I have enough sobriety to be able help him beyond introducing him to AA by answering questions and maybe going to a meeting , but I know that if he takes that step there are so many wonderful people in the program who would be willing to help him. :)
When I got sober I thought everyone I knew was an alcoholic too, cuz I was, lol.
I understand your situation tho with your friend and in all reality he really does sound alcoholic.
You are doing the best thing you can for him .. by staying sober yourself and preparing yourself to be there when or if he is ever ready to stop drinking.
Step 12 - Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, We tried to carry this message to alcoholics and practice these principals in all our affairs.
You pray for your friend and just be the best example you can be. Only Him and God knows when or if he will get sober.
