,,,but I've recognised that some of my character defects have come back. I've been assissting a colleague on a project. He's been over whelmed with work. He's now on leave for a fortnight and so I'm managing the project, which was teetering on a spiral out of control.
So my perfectionism has led me to work until midnight or later every weekday last week, work all saturday and sunday, to get the project back on the rails.
My ego and need for kudos has made sure that my boss and my colleagues know about this
My judgementalism has turned me from empathy for my colleague to starting to think that he's a useless arsehole. (He's not, he was overwhelmed - but it would be so easy to blindside him)
My greed tells me that I should take this project over. My cynicism tells me I should give it back and let it fail. My pride tells me I must give it back in a better state than when I got it.
Finally, attending a meeting this morning, my sarcasm led me to react badly to the presenter. (Badly by my terms) in that I arrived 15 mintes late, having been detained by the security guard doing his job, to be met with sarcastic comments from teh presenter - Sooooooooooo glad you could join us ..........this meeting did start at 11 a.m........... etc...........my response, sorry I'm late, unavoidably detained, do you want me to stay and give my input or can you manage without, because I've got my day job to do.............more sarcasm from the presenter..........well we're wasting time discussing your tardiness.....me. well tis not me that flapping my gums, please, continue. (oops, what a prick I was.)..........then sit there, not listening and quietly steaming.
Brought down to earth by meeting a guy I hadn't seen for 8 years, who commented that I'd piled the weight on! (I've lost over 10% of my starting body weight).
So I told him that I'd actually lost a lot of weight, to which he replied, well you must've been a real fat b'stard then.
Hey Ho. At least I've got to the point of seeing what my defects are (again) and how they are affecting me.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Going to bed. Tired. Hungry. but now chilled.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Such raunch...reminds me of pre-program in or outside of the bar or party. Where's that come from...ego still? Don't drink Bill you have too much invested.
That's the point - Ego leading me round by the nose, going back to old behaviour, not going to drink today, didn't drink yesterday - kinda sweet that - drinking my self to oblivion, higher plane or whatever isn't on the agenda, cus there ain't a single thing that a drink won't make worse - so--------I'm quicker these days to indentify the character defects coming back , see them for wot they are, behaviours that I don't like in myself - and deal with them.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Bill, Thanks for posting. Sounds like your human. Humility to me is knowing I'm not perfect and that I'm going to make mistakes. It's hard as an alcoholic because we have some good recovery under our belt and then, wham, the defects come back for a bit and then I beat myself up because I should be doing better than that- Right? LOL. I guess that why they say we're never cured- but progress is the key. It's a marathon not a sprint. The gift is you recognized your thoughts, feelings and behavoir and took an honest look at them and set them straight quickly. To me, that shows progress.
Bill, you are doing fantastic!!! no doubt H.A. L.T was fueling your testiness and self righteous behavior, and the presenter, no doubt forgot to check his ego and self righteousness at the door. you have once again seen what happens when we let self will run riot.... in a meeting, no less. hopefully it edified all of the group. we all need a dose of reality at times. we are not cured. we will never be cured. this is a program of one day at a time and we never graduate (well, not untiil death, that is). Please look at your progress, not the lack of perfection. the Speaker might see that he needs more time in meditation and service. Maybe his sponsor can point out what errors he committed in pointing a finger at you. hopefully the bloke who teased about the *fat bastard* you used to be gets some lesson out of it, too. others are not obliged to like us, but we are oblinged to pray for those who offend us and take something positive from it to grow spiritually. Love you, brother, peace, joy, and band aids, jj
-- Edited by jj on Thursday 15th of July 2010 11:24:30 AM
Ah JJ, should've made it clearer, this was a project meeting at work - they don't run on the same lines as AA meetings and are all the worse for it. I try to practice the programme every where I am (and especially at work) but the civvies out there just don't want to join in most of the time.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
I tend to do the same thing at my work. I host karaoke. Not such a big or important job, but of course I have to be the best friggin host that ever existed on the face of the earth. This means that if I mess up and miss someone's turn, and they get unhappy and leave, and then I realize that I missed their turn, I will dwell on this fact and catastrophize it to the point where I just lost a customer for my employer for life. Never mind the fact that MOST of the other customers really like me, and I probably bring in more than enough people to make up for those I might lose because I am not completely perfect. Oh no, not good enough. I have to be perfect. Because I'm just THAT GOOD.
lol. And then I buy new music for people to sing. But I can never make everyone happy - I can't get everything that everyone requests. Never mind the fact that some of this stuff has not and will not ever come out on karaoke. Never mind the fact that it's not even my job to be buying new music, and I'm not reimbursed for it. Never mind the fact that the music I DO buy brings in and keeps customers. No, I still feel I'm not doing enough. And I can't help pointing out to the owner that I bought this stuff out of my own pocket. And I get resentful when he doesn't appreciate me enough, and expects more from me. And I really should re-do those song lists so people can find their songs more easily. That will take a day or two.
Yep, I completely relate to ya Bill. It reminds me of a chapter in this book I'm currently reading called "12 Stupid Things That Mess Up Recovery", by Allen Berger. Great book by the way. The chapter I'm talking about is entitled, "Using the Program to Try to Become Perfect."
I'll PM you with a quote from that chapter, already quoted from that book once lately and don't want to overdo using copyrighted material on a public forum.
yep - thanks for that FS - I hope I'm trying to work a perfect programme and be perfect everywhere else - that's striving for progress, isn't it? - but I also hope that I'm aware enough to know that perfection is unnattainable - even if I need the odd reminder.
My mate's Mum says you're only perfect after you draw your last breath. Doesn't stop you trying though.
being satisfied with the results so far is surely the name of the game. I read an article in one of my trade mags a few years ago, countering the never let good be the enemy of the best. Basically, it recognised that a thing is never perfect, so if you are writing a process, then accept that it won't be perfect and release it when it's good enough. You can tweak it and iron out the bugs as you go.
Or...it's good enough if it's good enough for it's intended audience.
Or....it's good enough for rock and roll.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
