New here - need help for an alcoholic

seekinghelp · Newbie

New here - need help for an alcoholic

AGO · MIP Old Timer

seekinghelp wrote:

My live-in boyfriend is definitely an alcoholic. He's dead drunk most nights and incredibly obnoxious about it. He refuses to go to meetings or get help - he doesn't think he's got a problem, even though he won't stop no matter what I do or how unattractive I make it for him (I've lectured, begged, screamed, ignored him, and even witheld relations for 2 MONTHS because he couldn't go a WEEK without drinking). He refuses to even acknowledge WHY I think it's a problem, arguing every point of why it pisses me off. I can't stand this and can't kick him out - he's on the lease I pay for (did I mention he never goes to work because he drinks late at night?).

So please, I'm looking for any advice or tips on how to persuade him to start going to meetings - I'll do almost anything because I can't live with him. According to him, it's a "waste of time" and a "cult" (I've tried arguing intellectually, it fails).

Hi there,

We can't "help" alcoholics that don't want to "help" themselves, you have a boyfriend that drinks, that is part of the package and he is over 18 so his choices are his own, he doesn't have a "problem" with his drinking but it appears you do, there is support for loved ones of alcoholics here

The first thing they will tell you is

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

It's up to you to either accept his drinking or not, it's really that simple, but there are tools and support for loved ones of alcoholics, you can't help him but by taking action you can help yourself

Lexie · Senior Member

Hi,

We really can't offer help to an alcoholic who doesn't want help. Well, we COULD, but it wouldn't do a lot of good. That's the bad news. The good news is that we can point you in the right direction to get some help for yourself.

Years before I qualified for AA, I lived with an alcoholic, and it was making me NUTS. I completely understand how you feel--been there, done that. What saved my sanity was going to Al-Anon. Al-Anon will not teach you how to get the alcoholic sober (only the alcoholic can make the decision to go to AA or get help from some other source), but it WILL make life a lot better for you.

It's in the phone book. You can read a bit about Al-Anon here and there is a message board for Al-Anon here on this site. When we live with an alcoholic, we drive ourselves nuts trying to control him/her and the damage they wreak on their lives. Give it a try. You never know, he may just get a clue one of these days, but there is no reason you should have to suffer just because he isn't ready yet to choose recovery.

Hugs,

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Seekinghelp, run forest run! This is a sick human that you're talking about, not a car that needs restored. Do you find yourself saying "he'd be wonderful if he was sober"? Why waste your time with someone that is trying to kill themselves. Only 1 out of 20 alcoholics, That Want To Get Sober, are able to do it. So what chance do you think that your BF has? This is a progressive disease and it will only get worse. Go find yourself someone healthier to play with. And ask yourself why you are attracted to alcoholics.

mikef · MIP Old Timer

Goodmorning seekinghelp! I believe thats exactly what you should do.There are support programs for friends,relatives of substance abusers.I attend one for my 24 year old who is a recovering IV heroin abuser. As an alcoholic and substance abuser I also know I cna not help him,only myself. Only thing worked for our family was ,seek help for ourselves,draw boundaries and when and if they were violated stick to consequences we we willing to follow up with and continually 'detach with love"..Continued enablement will just keep adding fuel to the fire.aAs we say I have been prayed over,dipped in holy water,interventions,seances,dipped in oil(aromatherapy)put in jail,institutions etc..and you name it,unless the abuser is ready to surrender "ain't nothing you can do" but take care of yourself!! Naranon(no implied endorsement here 6th tradition)) has been an avenue of recovery for me even as I have over 25 years of my own recovery.As enablers we are sometimes sicker than the abuser alcoholic/addict...Sometimes they get well and we remain twisted..I can feel your pain and certainly can identify from my last 8 years with my son.....I would suggest you set a couple boundaries(must leave house,Im leaving ,rehab,whatever you will follow thru on),follow thru when and if they are violated and try and move on with your life.I wish you strength and guidance for your Higher Power......Monty Python said it pretty well....RUN AWAY!!!!! as he whipped his make believe horse.

Reffner · Senior Member

There really is no "intellectual" argument with someone who's drunk all the time. No reason or excuse is going to persuade him to go to meetings. Simply put, you can do nothing to help him. It's been my experience that until enough negative consequences bring an alcoholic to his knees, there will be no recovery from this progressive, chronic, and FATAL disease. By supporting him and giving him a free place to live, you are making it easier for him to do what he wants to do... in this case drink. Your not only hurting your chances of recovering, but his as well. I agree that the first place to start is with alanon. They can help you learn how to work on yourself, and start the process of getting healthy. If I was in your situation the first thing I would do is kick him to the curb. It makes no difference if he's on the lease or not. Like Dean said, go find someone who's not going to run through your life like a tornado. The only thing I can say for sure is if he is an alcoholic, it's only going to get worse...allot worse. Take care of yourself first!

Brian

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

He is on the lease? Then he should be responsible for part of the rent. I suggest treating him like a roommate at this point and detatching. If he can't come up with his share of the rent then you have some grounds to throw him out no? You can't persuade him to go to meetings. He needs straight up consequences for his actions and will not have them if you take care of him or put up with his BS for much longer. Sorry I couldn't offer a better answer for you but that is how I see it.