the steps have pointed out to me certain things in my life, like how i chose to see myself and others was encouraged by my alcohol abuse, but was not the cause of alcholism. i drink because i am an alcoholic. drinking numbed, just hid my character defects and moral defects from me. so now that i am not drinking and working the steps, my other addictions are showing up more clearly. i am addicted to risk taking.... love that adreneline.... and i need to pay attention to the basics ... honesty, pride/ego, etc. i forget that i do not have to be right, do not have to recognized, and i am responsible for my good and bad behaviors. These past few days have been a test for me and it is not that i passed or failed, but i have learned about consequences for my actions once again. that is what it takes for me to learn, if i pay attention. i am thankful for this website where i can meet and talk to people who as sick or sicker than me!!! LOL!!! (but you would have to be super sick to be sicker than me) working the steps brings about changes in living, changes in attitude, changes in the way i see myself. it brings humility to accept and let go old, harmful pleasures. my name is jj and i am an alcoholic.
" i drink because i am an alcoholic. drinking numbed, just hid my character defects and moral defects from me"
Amen, JJ. I'm just starting to come out of the initial "my, I'm a right bastard aren't I?" phase of early recovery and starting to appreciate some of God's will as it has manifested in me.
I'm not one to take a cat-o-nine-tails to myself every time I have an impure thought (I'd spend all day on my knees and go through LOTS of dress shirts ) and it's nice to really feel that I am "forgiven my trespasses AS I forgive those who trespass against me."
Thank you JJ. Drinking was but a symptom for me. Drinking was my solution to my life. What I found by working the steps is I masked all my self centered, fear driven, self reliant and self will nature. I was a scared boy/man and alcohol gave me the relief, ease and comfort I needed to survive in life. By drinking as much as I did, I never faced my problems or got down to the root causes. Then drinking stopped working and I was left with myself... Not a good place to be...
When I came into AA, I thought drinking was my only problem. If I learned how to not drink, I would be fine... LOL I saw the second part of step 1 right after putting the drink down.. I was a lunatic. People around me said you should drink- your miserable. My life was unmanagable with or without a drink.
What I found by attending AA and working the steps with a sponsor as they're laid out in the Big Book- drinking was my solution and I had a whole host of other problems as part of my diesase of alcoholism. By working the steps and getting in touch with a higher power (working and living by the principles) I've found a new freedom and a new happiness. That physic change occured and I didn't even know it- but everybody else around me did.
It's like I heard last night at a meeting: if I was a dog with a bone and you took my bone away from me and didn't replace it with something better (steak) watch out..... The point being: if this program didn't work, I'd be back to my old ways and one angry dog.
The Spiritual Awakening and the gifts from God have improved my life some much that I don't need to go back to alcohol or drugs to be free and happy. Thank you God.
When I came into AA, I thought drinking was my only problem. If I learned how to not drink, I would be fine... LOL I saw the second part of step 1 right after putting the drink down.. I was a lunatic. People around me said you should drink- your miserable. My life was unmanagable with or without a drink.
This was the crux of it for me. I didn't think drinking was my only problem though - to me, it was my only solution and it had become a problem all its own. I thought that by giving up drinking, all my other problems would swarm over me like a runaway train. Of course that was already happening as long as I kept drinking. The thing is, I was willing to face all those other problems, even become stupid boring and glum, as I thought that was my fate and my punishment for failing to control my drinking and allowing myself to become an alcoholic like my father. I knew from his example that the destination was the grave if I kept drinking.
I'm glad the stupid, boring, and glum part wasn't a requirement. Quite the opposite actually. Early sobriety was... shall we say... interesting, but it was not stupid, boring, or glum. But I love that phrase from the Big Book, because I think it describes how we alcoholics view the rest of the world. And that is how it seemed. Not drinking seemed to present two options: become stupid/boring/glum, like many of the non-drinkers I knew, or become a starry-eyed, fake-smiling, perpetually bubbly optimistic religious phony. Between the two, I think I'd take stupid/boring/glum... less work and less nausea... LOL.
But I don't *feel* s/b/g even if some folks might think I'm that way. And I doubt if I'd be mistaken for a starry-eyed fake smiling bubbly optimistic religious phony by anybody. Least of all myself. Serenity is a funny thing, it's another state of being whose most important characteristic is being freed from others' opinions of my state of being. Including my own.
) and it's nice to really feel that I am "forgiven my trespasses AS I forgive those who trespass against me."
If I learned how to not drink, I would be fine... LOL I saw the second part of step 1 right after putting the drink down.. I was a lunatic. People around me said you should drink- your miserable. My life was unmanagable with or without a drink.