Sharing at a Meeting

ferrisdp · Senior Member

Sharing at a Meeting

AGO · MIP Old Timer

ferrisdp wrote:

Hi, I'm new to this forum. I have just a little over 4 months sober. I attended a step meeting this evening and have been to this meeting before. We were on step 6 and I shared something -- it's a small meeting and in fact in the past they went around the room and asked everyone to share. I was made to feel very uncomfortable. One gentleman said that his sponsor didn't allow him to share for a year. Another said he enjoyed everyone's comments and mentioned everyone by name except me and stated that he believed in the old timers way and didn't understand this"touchy feely stuff", which I assumed was directed at me.

I was disappointed and hurt and made to feel stupid and my comments were unwelcome. As I was cleaning up I heard a couple of guys chatting and they said they didn't understand what I was talkng about. In rehab we were encoraged to share but I felt that I was basically told to keep my mouth shut. I realize some of this is ego but still, shouldn't relative newcomers be made to feel welcome? I probably shouldn't be so sensitive but I was really hurt. I have never been treated this way at a meeting before.

Has anyone else experinced this and, if so how did you overcome it? I really enjoyed this meeting in the past and feel like I should go again next week and just swallow my pride and shut up, I guess.

At rehab you are encouraged to share because it is group therapy

In AA we share our experience, strength and hope, AA is NOT group therapy, it's a program of action that is learned and taught, the purpose of a meeting is to carry it's message to the alcoholic that is still suffering, not to listen to the alcoholic who is still suffering "vent", that is why God invented support groups and sponsors

I was taught if I didn't have experience with something it was best if I didn't share about it, since then it was only opinion, and quite frankly, if I wasn't sharing the solution, I was sharing the problem

I was also encouraged to not share for a year, so I snuck to different meetings, shared anyways, and took the asschews when my sponsor found out

It was explained to me as follows:

Can you teach anyone in that room how to get drunk?

Having heard their stories, there was librarian looking college girls that did more in high heels then I ever did in Motorcycle boots, so I had to say No

Can you teach anyone in that room how to stay sober?

Most everyone there had more time then me, from 1 year, to loads with 25 years, to Irv with 50 years, so...No, I couldn't teach anyone how to stay sober

So if you can't teach anybody how to get drunk, and you can't teach anyone how to get sober, why are you sharing in a meeting of alcoholics anonymous? I was asked

I had no good answer

I had made a total balls up of my life, so my life advice was meaningless, my relationships had all failed, so nope, couldn't give relationship advice, I couldn't stay sober worth a shit on my own, so my "not drinking advice" was the suck....in short, the truth was, I had nothing to add to a meeting except my insanity, my ego, and my stupidity, I look back and CRINGE about many of my early blatherings

I was there to learn how to stay sober, not tell people blow by blow about my miserable existence and the tawdry and dramatic details of my tedious and drama filled day, we share our experience, strength and hope, and even after many years, if I have no experience, I don't share, sharing without experience is like giving advice to women with children about childbirth when I am a man, yes it's done, but only a moron keeps doing it after being asked not to.

This seems harsh, and many who went through rehab and don't know anny better won't agree with me, being taught the same thing as you, but it is a time tested method that works, when you go in the marines you don't shoot your mouth off the the DI about your day right?

Well AA is the same thing, it's people you don't always like telling you to do things you don't like and don't understand in order to keep you alive after you leave, it seems harsh but they are trying to save your life, they are trying to teach you how to listen, they are trying to teach you to become teachable, because if you don't learn these things you will drink, and for us, to drink is to die

-- Edited by AGO on Friday 2nd of July 2010 09:43:04 PM

ferrisdp · Senior Member

Okay, understood, thank you. If I'm asked to share, as was done once before at this meeting, I think it's best for me to say "thanks but I'll pass, I'm just here to listen and learn".

AGO · MIP Old Timer

ferrisdp wrote:

Okay, understood, thank you. If I'm asked to share, as was done once before at this meeting, I think it's best for me to say "thanks but I'll pass, I'm just here to listen and learn".

unless you have experience with the subject matter or have a question or need help, these are appropriate

These are guidelines taught to me and merely suggestions, not rules, and you will soon get a feeling about when it is appropriate to share or no, we all make mistakes, they are allowed, being human is allowed, saying kiss my ass to people who don't allow that is allowed too, you can always make amends at step 9

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

I would share if you feel like you are going to drink, even if it is a step meeting. I would never shut up if you need help because the hand of AA should be there for you and everyone else. I did learn the same way that there were certain meetings in my first year that were better for me to share at than others. Those were newcomers meetings. I shared every newcomer meeting that I went to. At step meetings, if you haven't worked the step...it's kinda pointless to share on it...that's basically it. Nobody should make you feel judged in a self-improvement program because they should all be working on themselves also. I generally lean towards letting people with time share the solution, as that seems to be the general tradition of AA. When you get to a year or two you will realize that there are some really messed up people with up to 20 to 30 years sobriety and you have to make your own call about whether what they have to share with you is worth listening to.

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

Aloha Ferris...that for me was also known as a test...Stuff like that use to test my
program and resolve. I was sensitive with an explosive bent and often when my
feelings use to be poked at I use to laugh as I metaphorically restrained the "pit
bull" personality I had from having a field day with other humans trying to get
sober and find some sanity themselves.   Only one of the characteristics of the
alcoholic is self centerness to the extreem and alcoholics are known for tenderness
with a sledge hammer. My first exposure to AA was building boundaries with the
fellowship as they fell all over themselves attempting to mount the pedestal.
Humility is not a natural characteristic for a drunk...it is taught by another drunk
who was taught by another drunk.    You're getting to practice it now. You can
pass with or without your feelings getting hurt. When the feelings feel hurt it is
an alert that I have taken something offensively and resorted to defense. If I
keep the awareness that there is lots of brokeness in the room I come to under
stand that most likely it is subconscious and unintentional and I gotta work on
finding offense.   Congradulations on your 4 months and on your coming here
to get supportive feedback. That is simply how I have stayed sober.

In support smile

angelov8 · MIP Old Timer

Sharing in meetings here is encouraged so that the group can get to know you and where you are at. However, at step meetings in particular people are encouraged to keep it brief or pass, if they cannot share experience with a particular step. In meetings I think are good, I find that experienced members respectfully point out the traditions and boundaries for a particular group in a thoughtful way after a meeting. An example I have seen come up often around here is a new attendee identifying as a drug addict at a closed AA meeting, or identifying as both alcoholic and drug addict at a closed meeting. I have heard of people being asked to leave immediately if they only identify as an addict. However, most often this issue is explained privately after the meeting, with info about local support options. Sometimes, crosstalk is addressed immediately by the chair, and in both cases this is about maintaining safety and the integrity of the meeting. I don't know that a non-threatening random off-topic share by a newcomer threatens safety. I totally see AGO's point above. Perhaps the folks around here could be more harsh and direct to good effect. This is all I know, the AA in my area. I have heard from local old-timers, many who hail from other areas say the AA is great here. So there's my two cents, and maybe not worth much.

I have been told by experienced members that there is no wrong way to share in any case. A desire to stop drinking, this is the only stated requirement for membership. Alcoholics are far from perfect, and as a newcomer myself I'll say that I am quick to judge and become defensive and read into others comments, totally focusing on the negatives and as if it's all about me. That said, it sounds like some folks at that meeting could have been more sensitive. Don't sweat it. Meetings are not perfect things, and you won't like each one. However, they do help us stay sober and it works better if I focus on the things that do help me learn to live sober and stay alive. Then voila, I end up finding a day that is somewhat free and sometimes actually happy. For that, I am ever grateful.

ferrisdp · Senior Member

All good advice everyone, thank you it's truly appreciated. After reflecting on this overnight I do realize that it was my self centeredness, ego and arrogance that was the root of the issue, not the groups reaction. My ego was bruised and as Jerry F. said I needed to find humility last night. It was actually a good lesson.

I shared on a topic that I have no direct experience with other than reading about it in a book. And as AGO said, the group is trying to teach the unteachable (me) and help the group stay alive.

I think it was the right time for this to happen. I actually feel good today, I learned from this.

Also, I'm so glad I found these forums. And again, I appreciate the advice from all four of you.

ljc · MIP Old Timer

I share at meetings if Ive got something to say that relates to the topic or recovery.

I never share personal stuff at meetings . I save that for my sponsors ears only.

You will be fine, and have received some really good esh here.

Aquaman · MIP Old Timer

I haven't read any replies, Ferris. I'll just share with you my rules on sharing.

In either the Preamble or How It Works it lays it out clearly.
"We share our Experience, Strength and Hope" & "our stories disclose in a general way what it used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now."

Peace,
Rob

TwelveSteps · Senior Member

I wonder if it depends on the meeting? I mostly go to small women's meetings, where although staying on-topic is encouraged, everyone is encouraged to share on whatever they need to share about so that we can all get to know each other better. There is usually plenty of time for everyone to say whatever they need to say.

At the larger meetings I usually stay quiet though, just because the number of people who can share is limited and I feel like I don't have enough sobriety to offer anything useful. :)

GG

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

I would highly recommend one newcomer's meeting a week to all of you that are just starting out. It did help me build a support system... I also needed to spout all that crazy talk for a year to begin to gain perspective and gratitude for anything. It only hit me as I heard myself talking and then listened to the difference between me and those who had worked the program longer. I still have to do this...walk in the path of those ahead of me. But a person with 10 days needs to share and claim their seat so that a person with 9 days knows they can make it another day.

Mark