I am frustrated and a bit scared right now with the situation Im in. I am hoping someone out there has some information or has been in this situation and knows how to handle it. Any comments, words of wisdom, suggestions, information on my situation would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your input!
Currently, I have been sober for almost 3 years now (will be 3 years November 5th). I have had 2 DUIs. My licensed was suspended and revoked for 1 year. They were both up December of 2008.
I have have had 2 hearings in trying to get my license back but both have came back denied. They stated I did not have an ongoing support system, no sponser and I lacked knowledge of alcoholism and chemical dependency. This was on my 1st hearing in March. Since then I started going to my local AA group which was every Friday. My AA group in my small town is made up of 5 old men in their 70's and 80's. I am a 39 year old male.
In June of that same year I went to my 2nd hearing. I was denied as I did not have a stable ongoing support system and that I did not admit that I was chemically dependent. So I continued with my meetings. They will support me and do care about my wellbeing but none of them want to be my sponser. I also go to an open speaker meeting on Saturdays only because one of the members of my group gives me a ride to the meeting and once the meeting is over with we leave.
I have also been reading self-help books, an AA 12-step program book that has homework pages at the end of every chapter. I work these assignments as it helps with the steps and going a little more in depth in personal healing. I have started counseling in Februay of this year and have been going to counseling every 2 weeks. I also have been educating myself in alcoholism info as well.
I have hired an attorney for the 3rd hearing. He states to keep doing what Im doing and when the time comes for the hearing to have 3 AA members fill out a form on me and for 3 family/friend members to fill out a form on me.
So as you can see I have been doing a lot in order to get my license back. Since I have to ride the bus and due to my hours at work and the fact that transportation is very limited in the evenings during the week, I cannot go to any other AA meetings throughout the week, its impossible unless I had a car.
The attorney wants a form also to be completed by my sponser. I told him I dont have one but I have an accountability partner from an alcoholic program that I belonged to prior to going to AA. The accountability partner lives about 100 miles away, is married, has a new job and new life so we rarely speak. I do have someone whom I talk to online who is my best friend who I will go to when I need a shoulder to lean on or need to vent but dont think that will cut it.
So right now after all this work I've done and meetings Ive gone to and the sobriety time Ive accomplished. Im afraid it wont be enough for this 3rd hearing because I dont have an AA sponser and since I dont have an AA sponser that I will be denied again for any kind of hardship license or permit.
Is there such a thing of having an online AA sponser? Is having an online sponser just as good as having a local sponser?? How can I find one???
Has anyone has this type of situation happen or them or know of someone who had a similar situation? Were they denied their license??
Im just a bit paranoid that Im going to lose all of this that Ive worked for for over a year and its going to be for nothing just for not having a sponser.
Any words of wisdom, info, suggestions, helpful words would be GREATLY appreciated!!! Thank you for reading this.
Well this may be completely like thinking "out of the box" but what about actually getting a sponsor?
No one with any amount of time and with experience sponsoring people in AA will work with a "newcomer" ( newcomers are defined as: someone in their first 30 days, 1st year or someone who hasn't completed the steps) who is not Honest, willing and open minded and has no desire to work the steps or even with having a sponsor other then something to show a judge so he can get his license back.
Perhaps if you approached these "old men" with those qualities one would be willing to work with you, or if you called the AA hotline to ask for rides to neighboring towns you could find someone who doesn't know any better willing to sponsor you.
Personally I am willing to work with anyone with an honest desire, but I would have to side with the "old guys" on this one, I would be unwilling to waste my time sponsoring someone solely as a means to an end, ie this entire post is about you trying to get your license back and has zero to do with you actually showing any sort of interest in AA other then a means to get your license back, and unfortunately for you it seems like the judge or someone down at the DA's office has their shit together when it comes to dealing with alcoholics and alcoholic manipulation.
Maybe do what the Judge and DA require of you?
Honest Open minded Willing = Sponsor
You are doing great, grats on 3 years sober, can you take the next step and actually abandon yourself to the program?
-- Edited by AGO on Monday 28th of June 2010 09:27:15 PM
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Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a night, light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
I think AGO was pretty much on the money. I like the ideal of calling central office and trying to see if you can get rides to some other meetings and possibly meet a sponsor.
The first thing I tell a sponcee is selfishness and self-centeredness is the root of our problems (3d step). Join a group, get to your meetings early and make coffee and set-up, shake hands at the door, ask how others are doing and help where you can. If you do these things, members will know you are serious and should be willing to sponsor you.
If you can't get out of self and try to become a "part of", you can't successfully work the steps and you won't gain knowlege of alcoholism/chemical dependency.
I hope this helps.
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
I agree with Rob and AGO. I will add that the benefit of having a sponsor and all that building that relationship requires is worth more than gold and liscenses. It is an amazing gift with foreto unimagined gifts. Go Get One, at least that is what I did, and I'll never regret it.
Hello Eric, and welcome to the board, congrats on 2.6 years of sobriety. Unfortunately, I'm in agreement with AGO mostly. Your focus is much more on getting your DL back (which is important I understand) than working a good program in AA, which includes working the steps with a sponsor to make the psychic and spiritual changes necessary to stay sober in the long run. You're not out of the woods in AA (never really) until you get past 5 years statistically. Would you care to share what part Illinois that you reside in? Meeting schedules could be looked at and perhaps a plan could be made to attend more meetings and find a sponsor. Typically, successfully recovering AAs attend 90 meetings in 90 days and continue to attend meetings, most days of the week for at least the first few years. I didn't miss a daily meeting for the first 3.5 years and on many days I attended more than one, while also attending NA meetings, and after the first year attended ACOA and Coda meetings, while not missing my AA meetings. All this while running a business and being a single father, So for someone like me to read that you only attend one meeting a week and want sympathy, I'm sorry but I don't have any for you. What I do have is a desire to help you figure out how to have a successful AA program and in turn meet the requirements set forth by the court review to earn your restricted license. If you share your county (you can do this privately through our messaging system) any of us can help you with links to meeting schedules and local AA intergroup phone numbers in your area to find meetings close to you and you can (as previously mentioned) call and ask for rides to meetings. You can also access meetings by public transportation.
Maybe it's just me, but I dislike the idea that the court system would be so involved in monitoring your AA participation. Given that there is no "requirement" in AA that we have sponsors (granted, it is a good idea), I think the idea that the State would be monitoring whether you have a sponsor rather disconcerting. It seems that establishing a close relationship with a therapist or counsellor should be a sufficient support system for the State's purposes.
But that is a matter for your lawyer to address, I suppose.
I think getting an AA sponsor for the sole purpose of getting your license back would be good neither for you or for your sponsor in terms of the goal of acquiring a sense of "rigorous honesty". And I think honesty is crucial to recovery. The whole program is based on it.
Only you can decide whether you are ready and willing to work with a sponsor.
-- Edited by Lexie on Wednesday 30th of June 2010 10:08:50 AM
I know many people (my sponsor included) that got sober through the court system. That tells me that it does work. For me, I really don't care how someone got to AA or got sober, what matters is that they are.
What's the difference between the state monitoring your sponsor status, and a PO monitoring weather your clean/sober through a pee test? If someone is gonna drink or use, they're gonna find ways around the system, that's a fact of life. I would be ashamed of myself for telling someone "no" to a sponsor request just because they "had" to have one to please the court. Where does it say that in AA we are "allowed" to check someones motives before we offer our hand to help the still suffering? I've heard so many people in my area say the only reason they are still sober today is because they kept coming back to AA. Even while still drinking, they kept coming back.
I've seen the program melt the icy heart and get through to people I thought would never get it. I may be wrong, but I'm sure there are those still suffering out there that don't know about the fellowship. If it takes a court to guide them in the right direction, then that's what it takes.
I would hope that a good sponsor would be able to see through someone's BS and do the right thing...either work with someone or let them go. I will work with someone long enough to find out how bad they want it. I will not do the work for them. If they are not working, I am glad to let them know that when they are serious about sobriety, they have my number.
Maybe it's just me, but I dislike the idea that the court system would be so involved in monitoring your AA participation. Given that there is no "requirement" in AA that we have sponsors (granted, it is a good idea), I think the idea that the State would be monitoring whether you have a sponsor rather disconcerting. It seems that establishing a close relationship with a therapist or counsellor should be a sufficient support system for the State's purposes.
I agree. AA is not affiliated with any government or court system. No AA member is obliged to cooperate in any way with someone else's probation or court-ordered anything. I'd say the majority of members will sign court slips, but nobody is required to. I will sign them (if I chaired the meeting) but it's not really legible. One guy wanted me to print my full name and phone number. Said it was "required" and I said not by me, my identity and phone number are none of your probation officer's business. I actually had a few people get huffy on me... I just said hey, you're the one on probation not me - I don't have to comply with squat.
Likewise, AA's primary purpose is to maintain our sobriety and help others to achieve sobriety. Getting someone a job, or a girlfriend/boyfriend, custody of their kids, or their drivers license isn't a primary purpose, nor a secondary purpose. It's not even on the list. Although many, many people who get sober do get jobs, their license back, etc. it's as a result of sobriety, working the steps, and changing life, not due to any intervention by AA.
I've never been asked to go to court to vouch for anybody, or sign a paper saying so-and-so is sober... and I probably wouldn't. I'm not qualified to do that, and if I say I think a person is sober, it's nothing but opinion and mostly based on what that person has told me, and observing them for one hour a week in a meeting... less than 1 percent of the time. I might sign a paper acknowledging something that I know to be true - as in, this person attended an AA meeting on this date/place/time. But even that might be false if the person who presents me with the paper isn't the same as the person whose name is on it! And yep, I've seen it. I've also been at a meeting where the chairperson announced, "I count 65 people in the room and I have 75 court slips up here, and I know at least 20 of you don't have court slips, so where are the other 30 people?"
The real shock in all of this is that one of the very, very few people in AA I probably would have vouched for, trusted implicitly, even let my granddaughter ride in his sports car - died drunk not long ago. So I'm back to working my own program, and sticking to the steps and traditions - especially the one about anonymity.
Reffner wrote:to have one to please the court. Where does it say that in AA we are "allowed" to check someones motives before we offer our hand to help the still suffering? I've heard so many people in my area say the only reason they are still sober today is because they kept coming back to AA. Even while still drinking, they kept coming back.
I wouldn't refuse to sponsor someone just because IMO their motives might be other than sobriety. But I'm not going to say ok, I'll be your sponsor, and then stand next to them in court under oath a week later and identify myself as such, or say anything that I don't know to be true.
Actually the first person to ever ask me to sponsor them was under a DUI suspension. He came to meetings 6 months. I did work with him a bit, but he never really did any step work. He got his license back and out he went... for 5 more years. He did pop in once in a while. But when he came back for real, he once again asked me to be his sponsor and he now has over a decade sober and is one of my best friends.
If someone like that were to walk in cold today, I'd probably do the same thing. And I still wouldn't get involved in any of the court stuff beyond scrawling my signature on the slip saying he went to the meeting that day.
Thank you for the replies and the helpful information.
When I read the first few responses I was a little disappointed in the way they lash out with cold insensitive hearts. I got the impression of " How DARE you ask an AA member of MY standards and how dare you even ask for help of an AA member when you only go to only a couple meetings!". I was floored at those first few responses.
I am an AA member. I have been for over a year. There's more to my story of why I havent gotten a sponser yet but Im not going to explain it to piss off other people or to get more rude comments.
Now the responses after the first 4 replies, those I agree on and it was informative. Maybe it was all just the way of the writer and how they worded it. If it was worded not to be very negative and rude, then my apologies.
I just thought the court system mandated that you had to have a sponser as they have asked if I had a sponser. When I told my attorney that I have an accountability partner from Teen Challenge but he lives aways from me but we keep in touch, he said to use him. I could also use my counselor. Thank you to the person who has suggested that. I never thought about it until you mentioned it.
I did not come here for pity. I did not come here for sympathy. I did not come here to get a quick "sponser" fix for getting my license back. If I truely wanted to cheat and NOT work the program, I would have found a way around the system to get a quick fix "sponser". I dont need to ask anyone. I was just wanting to gather some information about finding a sponser to help me with the steps.
With that, Sorry If I vented on the wrong people but those first 4 emails appeared so icy, non-loving, very cold and bitter emails. Like I said earlier, if it wasnt suppose to come out that way, I apologize for the way I handled it.
Hey Eric, stick around, no one intended to be rude or insulting. They were just being honest about their opinion, as hard core AA as it may have been. In our preamble - "Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety". I think that some of us thought your primary purpose was to regain your drivers license lol. You'll find lots of help in here from some very caring folks.
I have have had 2 hearings in trying to get my license back but both have came back denied. They stated I did not have an ongoing support system, no sponser and I lacked knowledge of alcoholism and chemical dependency. This was on my 1st hearing in March. Since then I started going to my local AA group which was every Friday.
In June of that same year I went to my 2nd hearing. I was denied as I did not have a stable ongoing support system and that I did not admit that I was chemically dependent.
So as you can see I have been doing a lot in order to get my license back.
I misunderstood as well, but it seems someone at the courthouse didn't. They are right, people who get sober in AA should have a support group, a sponsor, and a good working knowledge of alcoholism. It goes with being a "member" not just going to get a court card signed once a week.
When someone goes to AA for the purpose of getting sober, they usually attend 90 meetings in 90 days, get sponsor, work the steps, and build a support group as a matter of course
I know you didn't have a license, I have gone through years in sobriety without a license and did 90 in 90, got a sponsor and worked the steps
So sorry if I misunderstood, it's just you yourself proclaimed
So as you can see I have been doing a lot in order to get my license back.
Yes, when it comes to AA, there is no try, there are no stories, there is only "do" to me
Got a sponsor?
No? I don't care why, it's a story
Work the steps?
No? I don't care why, it's a story
Those of us that survive and stay sober in AA grab onto this thing like our ass is on fire and we follow suggestions, and we help others who's ass is on fire and are willing to follow suggestions
Like I said, you got a few people that would sponsor you here, I knew you would, I just have a pretty good idea why the old guys won't sponsor you, and why the DA and JUdge won't give your license
I have 5 dui's and got my license back, but I had to stop bullshitting them before they gave it back to me, hell they even gave me a license to drive a firetruck and an ambulance, so I guess whatever I said musta worked
It all boils down to 2 questions
Are you an Alcoholic (as defined by going through The Dr.'s Opion, Bill's Story, and More about Alcoholism
and are you willing to go to any lengths to achieve sobriety (for sobriety's sake, not to play the country western song backwards, get your job back, wife back and truck back, because that don't work and is a waste of everybodies time)
-- Edited by AGO on Wednesday 30th of June 2010 08:11:01 PM
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Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a night, light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
There has to be other meetings with more people. I'm not buying the 5 old men thing. Where there is a way to get hammered drunk and get 2 DUIs, there is a room full of people in recovery who have done the same thing in the past and need AA also. Keep looking and reach out your hand more for help in a sincere way. Just a suggestion.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
