I havent been on this site for a long time now infact just read a post I left on here 08 ..... funny the way things work never fails to amaze me .... Im able to see in black and white how my sober life is progressing and today I find myself in a far more healthy place and time ... Anyway as I haven done a meeting for a while thought it might help if I shared this amazing journey of mine .. who knows it just may touch someone out there ....
I have been on this journey for coming up 7 years this September Im now 49 yrs old just by the grace of God I will reach my half centuary ... like the true alki I remain at heart i've made it hard at times but havent picked up as promised despite myself I have grown soo much and come so far ... maybe you will identify with my mistakes maybe youre an old timer who will read it with a wry smile and a been ther done that thougt in your head ... or maybe youll be aghast at how little i've learnt.. for me the greatest thing AA has given me is the freedom to choose ... as always I only speak for myself .. I believe we all find our way within the support of the family that for me AA has become ... so enough bable heres my story as honnest as I can give it ... for it is what it is .. no more no less .. My Past
The youngest of 3 children I grew up surrnded by love .. some might say the perfect family setting... yet I was anhappy child, over weight .. obssed in my love of food I would often be found hiding in the back of the airing cupboard working my way through a stack of goodies ... I loved that airing cupboard it was my safe place a world where I could live in my dreams .. a world where I was popular .. in teenage years desirable and adventerous ... Friendshps for me were always difficult .. nighttimes were spent replaying conversations.. plotting scheming how could I make someone like me best a special friend would fix all my problems .. mmm sound familiar .. bY THE AGE OF 8 I'm told by family that I started to withdraw emotionaly from them and displays of affection were few and far between .. I learnt to fake it at an early age by watching others reactions.. e.g when my Grandad passed away at the age of 11yrs I felt nothing .... everyone else was upset so I opied them producing big fat crocidle tears but they weren,t real .. By my teenage years I had learnt the cheamelon like behaviour that would hold me in stead throughout my early adult life .. I simply became what I felt people wanted me to be ... I took there opinions, their ideas and molded mine to match ... I told myself that wss ok because the real me was still there inside .. I knew the real me didn't I ? .. Friendships were short lived I moved on always on the outside of the group ... alternating between needeness and aloofness ... it must have been a confusing mix for others ...
I hated the small village where I grew up daydreaming costantly of far away exciting places dangerous men ... I left my small village at the age of 18yrs to pursue a career in Nursing I was off to fix others and find the world ...
Early realationships with men were awkward ... I was insecure , shy nervous .... adnd never really got passed six months in any relationship ...
Once qualified I decieded to leave the town where Id'e trained... a disastros relationship had led me to self seeking behaviour.. a half hearted suicide untempt ... my managers concerns .. time to move and without a thought I'de moed to London ... I was 22yrs . a country girl from a small village ..
London for me was a lonely souless place and the next 10 years saw me lurch from crises to crises relationship wise ... eventualy falling pregnant at the age of 26yrs to a guy I had known 3 mths ... we set up home and I found myself a single parent approxiamtly 18mths later in a housing estate in South East London ... I should have goe home then ... now blessed with hindsight ... I was scared I had no family no support ... but so much pride ... no way was I going home ... my parents and their notions were dispatched simple as ....
I still hadn't started my love affair with alchohel yet ..... not quite but it was there waiting ... When my son was 2 1/2 I had a evening job in the local pub ... i'de graduated from cleaning toliets which was my first paid job as a single parent ... it was a local villians pub and of course there was my next realationship ..
Thus I found the exciting world of my dreams ... but it wasn't like It was supposed to be I didn't fit I didn't feel comfortable with the parties, the posh outings ... I remember the first time I took a drink to calm my nerves .... before a trip to the races .. it worked I felt geat for a while ....
About the same time I started my own business a childrens day Nursery wld allow me to look after my son and earn money I had my Nursing Qualification so it all fit ... right ... My business was a massive success ... within 4 years I had a big House ... 2 Day Nurserys .. 16 staff .... a new life style ... new friends .. expensive friends .... with expensive habbits ... champagne and cocaine ... holidays abraoad .... lots of drink ....
The next 10 years saw my progression into true alcoholism .... I lost the business's was banned from going within 10mile radius after turning up drunk one morning ..... the big house .... I burnt that down after a drunken binge when my son was 11yrs old the september before he started secondry school we lost everything .... I hadnt paid the insurance ... but it still wasnt enough... Men came and went each relationship more destructive ... till one hung himself in our living room after a particuarly aggresive physical and verbal fight ... he was an alcoholic too ... by then the only partner that wld tolarate my drinking..... My son a hostage dragged wherever I choose to roam ... so many moves .... discouraged from making friends I didn't like staying sober long enough to play happy families .... My son grew into a sad haunted child before my eyes ... It hurt to see so I STOPPED LOOKING .... Emotions pushed away ... brief moments when self pity and full of remorse ... id'e promise him more .... till the next time .... when he was 12 he spent 2 days in a hospital waiting room in Athens whilst I had my stomach pumped after being airlifted from a crete holiday home ... left to fend himself ... asked to keep my secrets time and time again.... putting me to bed ... cleaning up my stench .... learning to hate me ... my selfishness i'm ashamed to say knew no bounds .... I left my son to fend for himself at the ripe old age of 14yrs in a flat in London .... I justified myself by promising to send him money and left 3 mths rent paid on the flat ... did I send money did I ever go back no I didn't ... my parents took my son in 6 mths later when he finally told them I had gone .... The power of alcohol I was in its grip ... the last year was spent reinventing myself ... temp work that fitted around my drinking and oh god so much drink so much lonliness so much pain ...... My drinking career ended at it's worse I was consumed ... 24-7 neat vodka was my exsistance ... Just drink the bottle and me ... even today I can take myself to that dark place ......
So I came home to the people that loved me in my case my parents ..... and thus my new life begian towards sobriety .... for my father a condition of his help was that I attend AA ..... For that I remain ever gratefull ....
I have shared the worst part of my story .... and my next post will tell my AA story and start of a sober life ..... if your new and just stopped hear me because I never thought I could live without drink ... today I cant imagine taking a drink .... this programme will work
Thank you Sue, my HP found me, gave me the gift of desperation that got me to AA, now i can say i am 'living' ....not drinking my life away. thank you for your honesty and for sharing your story. hugs jj
Glad you made it back to your real life and AA....back then...
And thank you dear for your Post from your past, could relate to the 24/7 stuff.....sure is great to be sober, the sun is out, God is shining his light on everything, making everything so glorious this Sunday morning...
Welcome back to MIP....I think I was here about two years ago, and took a break as well, but I dont remember you, probably had different "break times" lol....
Thanks for sharing, brought me back o some dark days I experienced while boozing. Welcome back to MIP......I am definitely a Miracle in Progress. Being present every day with everyone was something I didn't think I could do anymore!! My HP has enabled the miracle of being present....and that is more than I thought I'd ever have again. Being in between drunks, guilt, shame, embarrassment, confusion, hopelessness---I had no time to live!! Now, I live day by day, and life is so much better.
