Addiction creates moral wreckage. People who become addicted to alcohol or other drugs might lie, cheat, or steal in order to get and use their drug of choice. Often what's left behind is a trail of shattered relationships.
In this situation, apologies won't do. Alcoholics Anonymous calls for amends instead. These are mentioned specifically in several of AA's Twelve Steps, including:
Step Eight: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
Step Nine: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Carrying out these two steps is a delicate process that calls for guidance from a sponsor or counselor. In an interview, John MacDougall, D.Min., director of Spiritual Guidance at Hazelden in Center City, Minn., answered questions about making amends.
How do amends differ from apologies? An amend has to do with restoring justice as much as possible. The idea is to restore in a direct way that which we have broken or damaged--or to make restoration in a symbolic way if we can't do it directly.
Say, for example, that I borrowed 20 dollars from you and never paid you back. If I go up to you and say, "Gee, I'm sorry I borrowed your 20 dollars and spent it on drugs," that would be an apology. Making amends is giving your money back to you.
Why does Step Nine suggest that people avoid direct amends in certain cases? For instance, you don't run home and say to your spouse, "Gee honey, I had a wonderful time in addiction treatment. I learned all about rigorous honesty, so I want to apologize to you for an affair I had five years ago." That's clearing your conscience at the expense of someone else who's going to feel terrible. In this case, your amend can be an indirect one. Stop having affairs and bring your heart, your energy, and your attention back home where it belongs.
Are direct amends simply impossible at times? Yes. Say, for example, that someone gets drunk, drives, and kills somebody in a traffic accident. You can't go back and "unkill" the person who died. Instead, you can fill out an organ donor card. This is an indirect amend that can give life back to someone in the future. Remember that with crimes such as drunk driving, people might need to go to court and take a punishment. That's part of making amends as well.
You've mentioned direct and indirect amends. Are there other kinds? Sometimes people talk about "living" amends. This simply means that we live differently. Amends are about a genuine change in our behavior instead of the patchwork of an apology. We take on a whole new way of life. We stop accumulating fresh insults to our selves and others.
What are the benefits of making amends? If we've continually harmed people and haven't made any effort toward amends, then we've got a lot of people, places, and things to avoid. Large areas of life become closed off to us. When you're willing to make amends, those areas open up again. You don't have to avoid people any more. This is true not only for people in recovery but for all of us.
The book Alcoholics Anonymous mentions the promises of recovery. They come right after the explanation of Step Nine. "If we are painstaking about this phase of our development," it says, "we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace."
That's what happens when we bring justice back into our lives by making amends.
Thank you Larry for posting this. It clears up for me what amends need to be in order to get on with life in recovery. Cleaning house it is. Personally, I'm tired of avoiding people,places, and things...
Facing them sober makes things much easier. Making things right with the people one has harmed clears the way for a better life. No conscious clearing for me. Some things are better left unsaid.
I view this as the "Cliff notes" version but it hits many of the high points in a simple way
By the time we are halfway through the ninth step we have fundamentally changed as human beings, and have had maybe 100 "promises" come true, not just the "ninth step promises" read at meetings, the real amends is we have now begun to become different human beings, making direct amends is cleaning up specific wreckage and is necessary on every level, the real amends is how we live going forward, that is the idea with restoring justice as much as possible
For example, for many of us we didn't "lie, cheat and steal" to get our "drug of choice" since we are alcoholics that is not necessary, we "lied, cheated and stole" simply to protect our "addiction" which in the case of the alcoholic was fundamentally being selfish and self centered, and we lived in a delusional and skewed fantasy, we were selfish and self centered and had an inability to have a true relationship with friends and family or anyone around us.
That is my "addiction" as an alcoholic, not the drinking
Learning how to have true relationships is the amends, learning how to be present at births, deaths, and to "be there" for those close to us without making it about us is the amends, learning how to be good parents, and children and spouses is the amends, not standing there apologizing for the millionth time
I once heard "A gentleman never apologizes" and that saying has always intrigued me, I always wondered if it was because a gentleman lives a life of thoughtful consideration for those around him and adheres to a personal integrity to such a degree as to be inflexible and rigid when it comes to his personal honesty and integrity, and if he does encounter a situation that requires an amends, he makes an amends rather then an apology
A gentleman never apologizes because he doesn't have to is what I think, and while it is quite frankly, unrealistic, that is what I strive for, is to do steps 6 and 7 unreservedly, I may still have x, y and z character defects but by God I am willing to let them go and repair the damage they cause
-- Edited by AGO on Friday 18th of June 2010 12:23:20 PM
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Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a night, light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
"Carrying out these two steps is a delicate process that calls for guidance from a sponsor or counselor."
Not my experience. I was told to get out and make them and get them done, that's it. I was entrusted in the steps. The doing of the steps are always my own responsibility and the directions for them are in the book. Now, I guess if I need someone to read the book to me because I cannot read myself, I suppose someone could help me with that. But as far as having someone coach me, counsel me, instruct me... why? You gonna tell me which amends I need to make and which ones I don't? Why? To protect me? To protect the recipient of my amend?
When I set out to make amends, the first thing I do is determine if I've caused harm. Then, if so, I get clear on the harm and consider what I might need to offer to make retribution... right on the spot. I consider if making the amend is going to cause further harm to that person. If so, I don't make that amend directly. I go to God to find the truth in it and consider what needs to be done and when... being hard on myself and considerate of others. If I need to go through Sacraments of Pennance to find my own harm, I do so.
When I make the amend, I ask them if they'll hear me out, as I'm doing this as a necessary component of my sobriety and I want to set right the wrong that I have caused. I bring my own contrition and regret for my former feelings/behavior. I tell them what I did to harm them. I ask them what I can do to set it right. If they require me to set it right, I do what I can to do that... arrange the best plan to do that. Then I leave them and wish them well.
It's been my personal experience that quick and to the point works best for me. I will not, however, disclose that my reasons for making the amends are due to AA and the 12 step program. In my opinion, that gives the "not so well informed" person reason to doubt my sincerity. My sponsor, and many others I've spoke with in the program have advised me against giving the "I'm in AA, and step 9 is to make amends to people I've wronged" speech because to someone who doesn't know how it works, I'm basically giving them the idea that I'm just going through the motions. It's been my experience that people are usually looking for motives, and by leaving out anything to do with sobriety and AA, my motives aren't called into question.
In short, I want people to know that I mean it, and not think that it's simply a necessity of a program I'm working. I know my motives, and I do it to release myself, and nothing more.
That's a good point. But in my experience making amends, it can be a way to set them at ease. Some of the people I'm making amends to know of my prior drinking.
Let see what the book says about to whom we owe money: "Telling them what we are trying to do, we make no bones about our drinking; they usually know it anyway, whether we think so or not. Nor are we afraid of disclosing our alcoholism on the theory it may cause financial harm."
So, it depends on the situation.
Here's one where we approach the person we once hated; There's a warning to not just throw out that we've got religion now. But what about mentioning our sobriety? "Under no condition do we criticize such a person or argue. Simply we tell him that we will never get over drinking until we have done our utmost to straighten out the past."
There are some people who, to some extent, need to know I'm in A.A. Like for instance, wife, boss, family, etc. My boss needs to know so I can let them know I prefer to have Monday evenings open for my own personal business if possible and I like to take an hour for lunch on Fridays to spend with my peeps. For over 6 years now, it's been very convenient. Sometimes I miss my Monday Night meeting and that's too bad. But not worth losing my job over either. Sometimes we work around it. Sometimes we don't. So... when I go to make amends to my boss, wife, family, etc., they know what's up.
My motives or sincerity are usually not brought into question so long as I'm there with a firm understanding of what the harm is, I show contrition, and bring a willingness to follow through on the amend.
All very good points Patrick. Looking back to when I made amends, most (if not all) already knew about my drink problem, so it was brought up during the course of the conversation. I was honest with them and told them that as a part of my new sober life I was trying to do right by them, and that I was simply doing what others said worked for them. Today I have no problem letting others know I belong to the fellowship of AA...I'm proud to be a member.
On the flip side, I had a few who were "less than receptive" to my amends. I learned after the first one not to take a "holier than thou" approach, but to simply focus on why I'm making the amends, and that helped get me through the rest. It even got to the point with one that I simply stated to them "I'm only doing this to free myself of my past". This person had a small amount of AA knowledge, but only enough to make it a dangerous situation. I realized that I had to cut my losses, knowing that I did the right thing for me.
There's still a few I haven't been able to contact, but I remain willing to make amends, knowing that God will give me the right time and place. Funny, I always thought step 9 would be the hard one. Compared to some of the others, it's pretty simple...at least it is for me!
Thx Brian! I tried to post back a few days ago from my phone as I was away from home. It evidently didn't go through.
I unfortunately have experience on amends gone bad. I had to either leave the recipient alone so as to not cause further damage or to approach it differently. Whenver I've told my sponsor/mentor/spiritual advisor about my screw up, they usually just laugh. Not because it's so funny, but probably because they've been there done that.
So, what I've learned from the experiences of bad amends is that it's not about the results... for me. It's not about whether I'm forgiven or not. If so, that's wonderful... icing on the cake. But it's not about saving my ass. It's about setting right the wrong. If I pay back all that money, I don't deserve a medal. I was giving them back their money.
I understand this today and the amending of an error is reward enough. It also goes against my petulant and narcissistic ego core. Sometimes I'm given the gift of "putting myself in their shoes."
Absolutely true!!! Saying sorry is meaningless, unless it is followed by NOT repeating the same behaviour which necessitated the apology in the first place.
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Serenity is Wanting what you have, not having what you want
Always remember non-alcoholic beers are for NON-ALCOHOLICS
I heard a guy share that his sponsor told him that sorry ran through him like shit through a goose. try admitting you were wrong, repair the wrong and don't repeat the wrong.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
