Am I wrong to expect my wife to aknowledge my anniversary ? She never has and I guess I was expecting her to say something. I don't expect a party or anything like that but maybe a simple hug or congrat's. I guess I should just be grateful for my 5 years and the friends I've made in AA who do understand what I've gone through.
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The smallest of good deeds is greater than the best of intentions.
Anonymous
Well, I'll say it: congrats on five years, that's huge! You've helped this recover alkie today, by showing that there is a solution. Thanks and have a great sober day.
Am I wrong to expect my wife to aknowledge my anniversary ? She never has and I guess I was expecting her to say something. I don't expect a party or anything like that but maybe a simple hug or congrat's. I guess I should just be grateful for my 5 years and the friends I've made in AA who do understand what I've gone through.
In my experience
in many cases
yes
My real friends notice (if I mention it) my AA friends notice and take me to dinner, that's about it, some sig others either don't care or seem to be obtuse on purpose, i had to learn my sobriety was about me anyway
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Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a night, light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
For me ... expecting my husband or anybody else to praise me or pat me on the back for doing something I should have been doing all along is setting myself up for a resentment.
I do understand what your saying tho Wolf ... cuz' Ive felt the same way. I just try to remember that even if I dont see it or feel it ... there are ppl out there who do appreciate my new life style and the fact that Im sober.
Some ppl just dont express their feelings in the way I think they should. I know without a doubt that my husband is happy Im sober. Heck why wouldnt he be ? I mean, he hasnt had to bail me outa jail, or fix the pick up truck cuz I wrecked it .. again !
Our life together is SO much better than it use to be. And if I dont get the appreciation I might think I deserve, then I might just need to take a look at how much I show appreciation to others for what they have done in their lives and how it affects me.
I try to remember ... do unto others as you would have them do unto you. I have to give credit where credit is due if I expect it to be that way for me.
I have to tell my husband if i want him to notice. i have to almost put the words in his mouth. he would no doubt disagree. Ive not had a drink for 10 years and he has never once gone to an alanon meeting, hes been to one open aa meeting about 10 years ago. It hurts me that he doesnt seem interested and i often feel we are growing apart, then i think i am expecting too much and am far too dependant on him, wanting him to know and be interested in everything i have to go through. But yeh I think a hug would be nice. But if its not there then yes be happy you got the time up because it is an acheivement!!!!!!!
It might mean y our doing so good with your program that the past is really the past with your wife. You are doing so well she forgets how bad it was, so there for she is just living one day at a time too, and moving on. Its a good thing. Congratulations!! what an awesome birthday!!
CONGRATULATIONS 5 YEARS!! awesome. Comes down to our placing expectations on others,would be nice if they remembered but as long as you do its going to be okay.I surrendered to the illness in 1984,my wife was born in 1962,(cradle robber mike:)) She does attend my celebrations as I work and live my life as a vessel of hope to the newcomer ,WE CELEBRATE AND USUALLY GETS ME A CARD OR SOMETHING go out to dinner etc....didnt always happen though.. I know the God of my understanding is the reason I can even have an anniversary and I am content giving back the thanks and gratitude that has been allowed me..Sometimes normies just presume our disease is not really what it is,but your peers know and so do you.and so does the one that bestowed His grace...We all love to be recognized,its human nature,but I like how Larrry says"being a functioning.responsible human being is kind of expected..Thanks for helping me continue to work my recovery and have one more day sober.....
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Congrats on 5 years sober. I know what it means. But for the civvies out there, it's not remarkable. You're supposed to be sober as far as they're concerned. Go get a chris rock video and if you can stand the language, see what he says about his brothers boasting that they look after their children etc.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
My ex-wife pretended to not know my sobriety date. She'd say "What has it been, 2 years? 4 years?" and stuff like that. Yet, she told her boyfriend (when describing me) precisely how long I had been sober, so she knew it all along. Her pretending to forget was just her way of saying how unimportant it was to her.
I doubt if my daughter would know her sobriety date if I hadn't made a note of it. She didn't know it was her sobriety date at the time, but after she had about 6 months, I could tell her the exact date.
Which is... 15 years today
My current wife keeps track of all anniversaries and birthdays. Each time I turn over a new month on the calendar in the kitchen, it's already pre-decorated with reminders of doctor appointments, birthdays, anniversaries, etc.
My ex-wife pretended to not know my sobriety date. She'd say "What has it been, 2 years? 4 years?" and stuff like that. Yet, she told her boyfriend (when describing me) precisely how long I had been sober, so she knew it all along. Her pretending to forget was just her way of saying how unimportant it was to her.
I doubt if my daughter would know her sobriety date if I hadn't made a note of it. She didn't know it was her sobriety date at the time, but after she had about 6 months, I could tell her the exact date.
Which is... 15 years today
My current wife keeps track of all anniversaries and birthdays. Each time I turn over a new month on the calendar in the kitchen, it's already pre-decorated with reminders of doctor appointments, birthdays, anniversaries, etc.
Barisax
Congrats to your daughter for 15 years today. I would bet she has a proud father.
Larry, ------------------ How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.
God I just love the humble responses to your question...the ones that taught me to get over it!! At first I had a knee jerk reaction to my sponsor's lead at learning how not to place my peace of mind and serenity and yay even my sobriety into the hands of others; especially others who needed not to be as focused on my sobriety as I was. Then there was lots of other lessons which have been mentioned here which helped me solidify my sobriety and held the light to the path and the next day and year. I got my first chip at 16 years sober when I least expected it and that it was a surprise made it a celebration. I got a 30 year chip from my wife...one of those gleaming red enamel and gold ones which has rarely been in my pocket because it is kinda sorta a trophy case model and still the day after I needed to focus on this program of recovery and not the chip. The one I carry today is the usual brass model and it is attached to one of my daily used tools and it reminds me that the program is a tool. Being sober I have become invisible in my family and community...it really isn't all about me.
Congradulations on all the steps you wanted to take to get this far and all the ones you took when you didn't want to. Carry on. (((hugs)))
Book yourself a 5 year anniversary solo vacation and tell her you'll see her in awhile. If she says "what about me" say "if you were interested in my sobriety, I'd have thought to invite you".
Dean, I hate to say it (no, actually I don't) but that is a fine idea!
We recovering alcoholics face innumerable challenges every day and we do it with a humility and grace that few "civilians" can even comprehend. We do the hard work of sobriety, with a Higher Power and each other. We overcome a complex physiological reaction in the brain that our founders called "an obsession of the mind and allergy of the body" against ALL odds.
I have a new line to add to my morning prayers: Thank You, God. Somebody, somewhere, is celebrating another year sober by your grace.
That is for us all. Especially the ones who feel that they're just "doing the right thing anyway." Right thing...yes. Easy thing...hell no.
"Only an alcoholic wants a reward for jumping out of a burning building"
I'm lucky I guess, in a way, 'cause my wife is also an alcoholic so we remember each other's sobriety dates. Don't know about non-alcoholics, I'd say tell her you're 5 years sober if you want a pat on the back (or a kiss, whatever!)
P.S. Enjoy it, this is the only 5th you're gonna get!
:D
-- Edited by FlyingSquirrel on Wednesday 16th of June 2010 04:33:45 AM
Happy birthday to you,happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Halfwolf happy birthday to youuuuu! And many moreee! What a mountain you have climbed. It is unthinkable thing for many practicing alcoholics. You are a Miracle in Progress! And a miracle. Say it, "I am a miracle."
Average people seem to not get it... My own husband and I have a precarious relationship to say the least. Our relationship is laced in verbal assualts from time to time. Even when I got sober for 2 yrs.2 mo. in the recent past...I felt he and my kids just used the sh*t out of me. Never recognising what I was trying to do. Yet,they were quick to badger the heck out of me for my past days of drinking. Throwing it up to me daily. I felt terrible and finally found myself personally feeling stuck in the program. My crazy thinking came back and I said, to myself,"if I am going to be badgered over my past for the rest of my days I might as well be guilty(drinking.")
Instead of doing the next right thing...I picked up again. It wasn't too bad at first and I got away with it for a month or so. Then the hell for me returned with a vengeance and it wasn't long before I was back in my bed watching TV and drinking and hangovers and drinking and hangovers. Basically non-functioning, unless it was painful to do. I still went to the bank,made business calls,did necessities but it was always at a minimum to what I could tolerate and usually very painful. I had to force myself to do anything. Suicidal thoughts returned,etc.
Now sober again, today in reflection, I can blame no one but myself. I used thier behavior toward me for an excuse to use and drink again.
Today I choose to do the next right thing in spite of anything else. Good luck Halfwolf. BTW, you do deserve recognition, and no one like the people in AA who know and understand completely just how far you have come will. Please do not become disheartened. You have no control over other people, or thier actions, but you do have a choice for yourself. Continue to grab hold and come along with the rest who are recovering too. I know, I have to.
J
-- Edited by janet on Wednesday 16th of June 2010 11:38:43 AM
I once was upset no one noticed me on my anniversary date. Man, I caught a pretty bad attitude about it too!
Then my sponsor said.."John, to applaude an alcoholic for not drinking is the same as applauding a cowboy with Hemroids for not riding a horse... when the pain gets bad enough they stop riding altogether, and most people don't notice, because they are still driving a pickup truck and playing country music on their radio... in short, they are still a cowboy."
At another time, my sponsor said...."Why should we throw you a party for what God did?"
LOL John...Sponsors are special aren't they? I never got a break from any of mine and did however get my life back. A cowboy metaphor!! just gotta remember that.
That one I'll remember and Thanks everybody, I showed my Mother my 5 year coin and she thought I was going to let her keep it, I said you gotta get your own. (she doesn't drink) Thanks again
__________________
The smallest of good deeds is greater than the best of intentions.
Anonymous
that is a wonderful thing, halfwolf! i am sure your life is much better... more humility and all that good stuff, right? (and telling your Mum she has to get her own chip..... lol) please keep posting, your ES&H helps me stay sober. hugs jj
) She does attend my celebrations as I work and live my life as a vessel of hope to the newcomer ,WE CELEBRATE AND USUALLY GETS ME A CARD OR SOMETHING go out to dinner etc....didnt always happen though.. I know the God of my understanding is the reason I can even have an anniversary and I am content giving back the thanks and gratitude that has been allowed me..Sometimes normies just presume our disease is not really what it is,but your peers know and so do you.and so does the one that bestowed His grace...We all love to be recognized,its human nature,but I like how Larrry says"being a functioning.responsible human being is kind of expected..Thanks for helping me continue to work my recovery and have one more day sober.....
