Bear with me, this could be a long one. I neeed to unburden.
It's just turned midnight over here in the UK and sleep won't come.
Monday morning, my much loved Mother in Law died in her sleep around 0830 and I feel sort of empty and sick and tearful and fearful. I want to cry but the tears won't come. But if they do, I feel like they won't stop.
As you know, I'm separated from my missus, but we're on good terms. My Mother in Law, Nora, has been in a residential care home the past 2 years or so, due to her worsening dementia and her inability to safely live alone.
Eileen (my wife) and I visit regularly and every time she deteriorates a little bit more. On Monday this week past, Eileen got a call from the home to say that Nora was having the twitches. So we decided to visit this Saturday.
Nora was slumped in a wheeled chair, instead of her usual recliner and looked pretty shocking. We were called in to see the nurse and found she had been taken off her anti epilepsy drugs about 2 months ago (the same drugs were for bi polar - she ws taken off them because she didn't have a diagnosis of bi polar.) So maybe that was a mistake and mistakes happen. The twitches were actually petit mal episodes.
In the afternoon she suffered a petit mal attack, which caused her to lock up, pass out then choke on the mouthful of tea she was drinking. Very soon she was in an ambulance with blues and twos on the way to Addenbrookes hospital. Man, there's no way to keep up with an ambulance going for it no matter what you drive.
The paramedic who attended was a bit on the macho side, very critical of the home, the Emergency Room doctor was very critical of the paramedic, she was finally admitted to a cardiac unit and the staff nurse there was very critical of the ER doctor. So many egos getting exercised.
Eileen and I spent saturday night with Nora and decided that Nora's son Denis should be told. Denis came over the following day, Eileen sent me back to Sheffield to attend Intergroup, I returned later that night to Cambridge. Took one look at Nora and thought she was on the last lap. I asked my HP that if this was time for Nora to lay with her husband again, He help me do the next right thing and help Nora go peacefully.
Eileen and I spent the night in a bed and breakfast place and got the news that Nora has slipped away in the morning. We went to see her and the staff let us in. Oh but she looked awful, no teeth in and her face had just fallen in on itself. Eileen laid two wild poppies on Nora's breast, one for Nora and one to take to her late husband Wally. They both spent a lot of time working for the Royal British Legion and would sell poppies at Remembrance time.
We spent an hour in the chapel with a lovely chaplain then went back to spend a bit more time with Nora. Eileen is heartsore, crying and organising and being grateful and feeling guilty by turns. All I can do is be there for her when she wants me and f*ck off out the way when she wants her own space.
I've known Nora for 35 years or so, she welcomed me into her family striaght away and there wasn't a bad bone in her body. She did so much for people, when my daughter was born she was there the next day to see her latest grandchild, same whn my son was born. She lived as a widow for 22 years and there wasn't a day she didn't think about her old man.
We did the best we could with what we had. I keep telling Eileen that we were meant to be ther on saturday so we could enable her son and daughter in law their son and their granddaughter to get there in time to see Nora off and that we not only did our best but that it was good enough in the end.
I try to remember her as she was in her prime, when she had the big smile and the shining blue eyes and was active and mobile. I try to remember her when we last took her to the seaside and how much she enjoyed it, I try to remember her as she was a month ago, when we took her round a nature reserve in her wheelchair (though it might as well have been a supermarket) and the ice cream she had and the real cup of tea in a real cup without the thickener and how much she enjoyed that, but dammit this awful picture of her without her teeth in keeps intruding. And I wish I could cry but it just ain't happening, every time my eyes tear up, I choke it back down.
Ah, f*ck, f*ck, f*cketty F*CK!
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
So sorry for your pain Bill. You sound like you were an awesome son in law. She was very lucky. And it is my belief that she is happy now and running with her true love. It will take some time. Im sending my prayers. Take Care
Sorry to hear about it Bill. I'll say a prayer for the old gal tonight. I'm very fond of my mil also. She (and my Wife) are the most cheerful people I've ever met. I'd probably be 10 times as miserable without them in my life.
Oh Bikerbill.... thanks for sharing. Nora must have been a lovely lady and from your post she had it really rough in the latter years. It sounds like my story when I lost my 99 yr old mil just a couple of months ago... she took a grand mal at 2:30 and continued to seizure until she died at 5:45. It was awful to watch and it affected me for days.. but I do remember saying when she drew her last breath... she is finished, no more suffering/struggling. Just go to some safe place and giver... let the tears come, it will make you feel better. Let your heart grieve for this wonderful lady you remember so fondly. Blessings to you Carlotta
Thanks all, I'm damn glad i'm sober today and for all the yesterdays I stayed sober.
My second family, the fellowship, lift me and carry me and stop me from wallowing. I called a buddy on the helpline to take over my shift on saturday - job done, no questions asked - another took a key for my house to come and feed the cat while I was away and then came straight round after the meeting last night for a cup of tea and a chat - one of my sponsees rang me this morning to see if he could help, and this from a guy who's wife died a few weeks ago, all the facebooking, PMs and responses here and elsewhere, my colleagues and my boss at work covering for me, my welsh buddy calling me this morning to see if I needed to talk, my mum, my sister, both checking up on me, my big brother, who had his new bike delivered yesterday, desperate to talk about that, listened to me talk about how I felt, my best mate, Mark the Mechanic, having a word with me.
Blessed, I am blessed with so many people who give a damn.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
From the Pacific Bill...I'm sad with you for the loss and glad that you included the celebration of what she was spiritually with us. Physically we go to hell and it is spiritually that we get to go the other way. We don't have poppies here except maybe in a big box like Home Depot but we got more flowers than you can shake a stick at. I will commit some to the Pacific and it's spirit for you mother in law.
Hang in there...cry when your soul tells you and of course laugh more. ((hugs))
If this has worked, there should be a picture of Nora as I prefer to remember her, at the seaside last year, enjoying an ice cream and looking too cool in shades and bush hat.
