A comment on another thread got me thinking about this -- and not wanting to highjack that one, I thought that I'd start one here about "hot flame" moments. I had a couple recently and I think that it showed to me that this program works if I work it and keep working it.
Someone who doesn't know I'm an AA had made some food and given it to me -- just before I started eating, they casually pointed out that they had put a bunch of sherry in it to enhance the flavour.
There was no temptation, nothing: I just made it clear that I couldn't and wouldn't eat it, thanked them for it, etc. It was something deep inside of me, some sort of programming that just made that reaction automatic.
Another one was in Belgium: went to a place that had all sort of stews. Something just made me ask the guy if they use beer in the sauce. He said yes, it is wonderful, traditional, our house speciality, etc. I ordered something else. Again, NO fighting with myself, no just this once, no wouldn't it be nice, etc.
I'm beyond grateful to AA for this state of mind. But I'm also grateful to AA for having, today, indelibly imprinted into my mind that this is contingent upon maintenance of my spiritual condition.
That is my experience as well, no "slippery places" or "trigger lists" or meetings every day where I live in a fear based recovery huddled with others scared of what was in the parking lot doing push ups waiting to kill me, just sanity has been restored, rather then trying to live in a world where I shield myself from temptation, where I try to change the world to suit me, I worked the steps and the problem was just removed, and I was changed to be able to fit into the world, It's like I mowed the lawn and my car started running, made no sense but absolutely worked
I'd as soon as drink paint thinner or any other poison any more, and if tempted literally recoil in revulsion as if from a hot flame, it's like "hmmm, I wonder what would would happen if I put this pistol to my head and pulled the trigger"
just not gonna happen
-- Edited by AGO on Monday 14th of June 2010 11:44:53 AM
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Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a night, light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
Nice Steve and Ago. Like it says in the BB- We stop fighting anything or anyone. We been restored to sanity(step 10). We've been place into a position of neutrality. Not being afraid of it or have to avoid it. It just comes by working the steps. It just happens, that's the miracle of it. I'm very grateful for that today. Thanks for the reminder.
My alcoholic brain started to wonder. Hmmm paint thinner, never tried that, wonder if it is good? (LMAO)
I calmly ask about food ingredients and I choose to stay away from those with alcohol. Its no big deal for me today, no resentments like in olden days. It has just become a habit of mine to check ingredients.
the path get's narrower and easier to navigate don't it. i used to get resentful about wet places, then slippery places, then alcohol in food, it just get's easier to say no thanks, to go where I will, eat where I will and feel safe.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
I think that that's just it -- in very, very early days, I was very resentful about this sort of thing and then one day, just like the Big Book promises, it just vanished.
I have to confess, when I first crawled back into the doors of AA, I scoffed internally at all those who said that they read ingredients lists, didn't eat food prepared in alcohol. Sure, I thought, I want to get sober, but that's just out of control. Pride and arrogance were strong in this one. ;)
And yet, at some point in time (and I can't pinpoint when, though maybe around my Step 9 work and Step 10?), with no forcing myself to do it, I just started doing it too. Just like that. No fighting it, no forcing myself to do it. And as Andrew is saying, it's not b/c I'm afraid of the beast bench-pressing cars in the parking lot as it waits for me.
And I love doing it. Folks where I work bring in lots of candies for sharing when they go away somewhere, and first thing I do is check the label for booze.
It's just that somehow, this program has changed a bit what is going on inside my skull today.
