I too have been reawakening some childhood memories of late. Going through many old photographs - my dad had a top notch camera and I'm finding pristine black and white negatives that are over 50 years old, that haven't seen daylight in almost as long. Pictures of me, my parents, friends some of which can be identified, some not. A school outing from first grade, where I can recognize and name half of the kids but the other half are perplexing... familiar, but I can't put a name to them.
Also, me at age 3 in one of those little inflatable swimming pools with my childhood girlfriend... we were inseparable until we went to separate schools, and continued to be playmates up until maybe age 11 or so and we drifted apart. I'm being reminded how much of my childhood was shaped by this friendship... this girl's vivid imagination and sense of humor planted a lot of the seeds of who I am today. She was one of three people (my dad, and my brother being the others) who could push my funny button and have me in stitches, laughing so hard I couldn't catch my breath. All of this long before I took a drink, or found out my dad was an alcholic, or my parents getting divorced.
And I have seen much of her in my granddaughter (DramaGoddess), and that brought back memories too. I sometimes wonder how my life would be different if we had remained "an item" and we had gotten married (like we always said we would from age 3 onward). It's all water under the bridge now, but I have to acknowledge those people who influenced me so greatly, that not a day goes by when I don't use a mannerism or saying or giggle at something that I owe to that person's contribution to who I am. The promises say, we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. My past - with all of its turmoil and my self centered fear - is rich and detailed and I remember it well. And I'm beginning to remember not just the facts and the events, but how I *felt*, little things like when we went off to kindergarten, I wouldn't let anyone else sit next to me besides my girlfriend for many weeks. And how it was going to first grade the next year without her, when she went to a private school. Until I got sober... and then a looong time after that.. my memory of the past was stories, events, places, people, talk, conversations... but never the emotions I was feeling at the time. I thought all of that was long lost, but amazingly, it's coming back now. Without any fear or regret, or embarrassment - it's a gift.
I was talking to a lady today who was torn apart from her school sweetheart and forced into an arranged marriage. She has been unhappy for the last 35 years of her marriage. I was so sad to hear this story and yet grateful because my sweetheart and I know each other for 30 years and married for 28 years. We still love each other very much. Thanks for sharing this. You made me think of such fond memories of my childhood. If I continued drinking none of these pictures would have mattered. AA makes the past into a working part of our lives- some not so good, but all things work for our good eventually.
Yes because I have been married 3 times I often wondered if I had try to go to counselling or tried to make things work would it had been different.I remained in a stupor for too long for anything to work just "all me" and getting the next one,so im good..At almost 63 years of life(only by Gods grace and mercy)I realize now that God's plan for me was to be right where I am now.Though my 40 year old children were born of my first marriage it wasn't love,it was commitment cause thats what you did then,if she gets pregnant you marry her(anyway that was our families thing).I love that woman now, because of how we were both able to at least salvage the children whom we both love deeply,by not pitting them against each one of us in our illness.She is a wonderful mother and found her match.Our children are able to share love in their families so we got couple things right.2nd marriage ,not sure what that was but it certainly wasn't love,,,then God sent the angel into my life and I finally felt and knew love that grows stronger each day as my love of the God of my understanding also does.I am who I am today because of who I used to be.I don't regret anything,I probably could have made better choices,but I dont look backwards.For 25 years I floated in a void and my God was just waiting for me to be done so He could lead me here..yup,no regrets,I am making God centered choices now and will savor each and everyday.There will be rain and there will be pain but I am grateful for the opportunity to "feel no regrets"I will make the best of what I got left....
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
