Hi,
I can't think of anything to say. Except maybe , Good Luck.
Wayne

Welcome back Joni...

You have a big heart Joni. Just nice to know that you back. Will keep you in my prayer. Do not lose heart. God always cares for us no matter what. In my worst days, when I could not do anything to lift myself, my Heavenly Father was still there.

mikef, I got down on my knees and asked God to help me stay sober just for today. I went to a meeting and talked about my decision to use this weekend. I talked to my sponsor. I am to get back on the horse and stay there. 90 in 90. Seeing my psych tomorrow and telling him about the mania. I am not bipolar (at least have never been diagnosed with it, but am diagnosed with PTSD...) but I know what mania looks like, and this is it, no doubt about it. I am not sleeping or eating (made myself eat today... good start with that), and I am talking fast and doing doing doing (even before picking up).... can't slow down. But I did give a fellow AA womana ride home from the meeting this afternoon, she recently relapsed after several years.... she is very depressed and I told her that no matter what, I can't let my disease keep me so depressed that it continues to feed off that. She was encouraged by it, and it helped me stay sober today too.

My sponsor, in light of my very recent thorough Steps 4 and 5, wants me to revisit 1 (of course), 6&7, and get started right away on Step 8. which is where I have always in the past taken half measures. I am just following instructions today. That's all I can do, is to do what I am told and leave the results to God.

Hey Joni! Way to go! 3rd step tells us we make the decision(by taking action) and turn our will and "lives"(all parts of them,wife,daughter,mother,friend ,worker,etc)over to the "care" of God and and that  our HP will work out the results!I also am praying for you and me and all of us!!Together we can arrest this beast.one day at a time>>peace for real...... 

((((Joni))))

What matters is that you came back, and your still willing. Once we lose our willingness, we are in a world of trouble. Time to put the bat down for a little while and quit beating yourself up for doing what addicts do. Like Mike said, God is always there to pick us up IF we remain willing and open to do his will. Some days all I have is my sobriety, and some days that has to be (and is) enough. I have to think about my forward movement, weather it's running or crawling. You are NOT judged, and most of all YOU ARE NOT ALONE in this.

My thoughts and prayers are with you Joni...

Brian

Hey Joni...

I am not gone...I have just been more involved with AA and life lately.

I have been reading your post over and over wondering what the hell to say to you. I asked myself, what would I need to hear from someone if I had just relapsed,after having some pretty good sobriety?

Here I was thinking that everyone else who goes thru divorce hurts/sometimes not, but everyone else must cope with it better than I, including you. I thought, man she is handling it. I am just one of those wondering, if I could weather another divorce, especially sober. 

I was at a meeting yesterday,and I later was talking about my marital problems and my kids to an ole timer, whom I admire greatly. He said, "I can think of nothing  more, that can cause a relapse like divorce and  kids." We laughed, but deep inside it is not funny.  
Over the years,while in AA I have witnessed people go thru divorce sober! Wow! 
I have to hand it to them. 
I went thru watching my mother die last year, and I did it sober, but after a few short months and added marital discord... I finally succumbed to the pressure, and I relapsed. I simply could not see any other way at the time.

I later thought to myself, now you've done it! You may never have another recovery! 
I could not seem to get back to where I had been...sober and at peace for those previous 2 plus yrs. and for a time everything seemed so pointless.
I asked myself, will I have to hit bottom as before in order to get sober,if at all this time? No, I'd suffered enough over the years and too often at my own hands. On and on and on...it was with me.
It was just horrendous for me again...I felt doomed.

So I came back to AA as you. I laid things all on the table. I became willing again to listen and learn, because this time I knew and understood completely how serious my condition had become again but this time I had almost lost hope. I knew, that if I did not get sober this time it probably would be my last, because I'd have given up. 
I had no choice but to get sober and stay there no matter how many mountains I had/have to climb. 

I began changing my thinking about my relapse, thus started changing my life.

I am grateful to be here today... Sober and two months better. I am also grateful that you shared with honesty what happened in your life, including relapse, because... Seems to me, that everyone I knew in AA and AA everywhere I'd lived  only talked about thier success in the program, and they had never relapsed, as I had.
So I felt I had no sounding board for my reoccuring problem. I desperately wanted answers and god knows I didn't have them (answers.) 
After coming back into the program I desperately sought to learn where I had gone wrong in my recovery program. I could not nor would not take this thing lightly...I couldn't.
Regarding my last relapse, I began changing the negative into the positive in my own head in order for me to get better...after all life is going to throw us slime balls,but that doesn't mean we have to catch them. I thought I may as well, make the best out of bad situations and apply it to my own life for the betterment of who I am. Ah,ha and then I might just be of service to others too.  

Out of my Daily Reflections Book, I tend to fold down and mark certain pages for later reference. One of the things that has helped me, regarding my last and hopefully final relapse was May 26th in D.R.Book.

Below is the first part of May 26th daily reading: 

TURNING NEGATIVE TO POSITIVE

Our spiritual and emotional growth in AA does not depend so deeply upon success as it does upon our failures and setbacks. If you will bear this in mind, I think that your slip will have the effect of kicking you upstairs, instead of down. 

JoniJoniiiiii... you are much in my thoughts...when others in the program hurt,so do I. I know that you can do this...get well! Learn from it, improve from it, and move on in the program...

I do not know, if anything I said makes any sense to you, or if it has helped you in anyway, but I knew I had to give it a shot, because I have been right where you are, and I desperately needed someone to share in honesty of how they got thru it.  So there. Remember, drinking and other mind altering things are no longer an option.

(Hugs to you)
  Janet
I know that you can recover from this... One can get off of that elevator going down.  
 

-- Edited by janet on Thursday 10th of June 2010 10:03:28 PM

Joni, I've been right where you're at, with getting clean and sober right at the end of a marriage. It sucked. It was a tough 90/90 but at the end of that the fog lifted and the fear subsided. You're going to have to walk through the fear and get closer to your HP. Up the meetings, and up the prayers. I'm praying for you.

Thank you Joni.  You mean a lot to me and many here on MIP.  Keep at it girl!  Don't give up.  Through this site I've come to know a very intelligent, compassionate and caring person.  Your diesase is telling you different right now.  Don't listen to it!  Your needed here, wanted here and love here. 
Your friend, Mike.

Hi,
I feel like a fish out of water. A. A. and my willingness worked for me. I did grab the raft with the desperation that only the dying understand. I did somehow know I could not survive my bottom again. So for reasons I cannot explain A. A. worked for me. As I feel this thread , I tremble. actually physically shake. By signing up to MIP I took the responsibility to share my version of recovery. That version is simple. A person does not need to drink again for any reason. Just for today, one day at a time.
I honor all those who after multiple attempts achieved recovery.
The old game Russian Roulette came to my mind in early recovery. I gratefully understood I did not have any empty chambers. Drinking would squeeze the trigger.
That holds true today.
Best Wishes.
Wayne T.