My husband and I just got invited out with friends for dinner. I am already worried about how I will explain my not drinking. I have made it through a couple situations with people by simply saying, "I am trying to cut alcohol out"...and people have really accepted that ...saying that I am on medications or that I have a bad hangover or something similar just wouldnt work--I always would drink in the past.
What have you said to get through a night like this? Thanks for any tips.
The book answer is not to go. I really recommend that you stay home. It sounds like you are a bit new to the program (which in itself is a hugh accomplishment), but the program answer is to stay home, do nothing to tempt yourself, or better, go to a meeting instead. Having said that, many people run from the program initially because the cunning disease we have has a power of it's own. I was in the military and ""not going" was many times not an option. What worked for me was total honesty. I would say no thanks, "I am recovering alcoholic". When asked why, I would tell them because drinking was killing me. No drama, just fact. I would go to the opposite extereme of trying to cover my not drinking. I would leave early with my dignity. I think you should stay home, but many times work or life does not allow that for business and the like. Try just telling the absolute truth and not hiding from your condition. I found I had a group of drunks protecting me from drinking. How far along are you in the program?
***Disclaimer****** This advice will probably turn out to be another excuse to wind up drunk. We are always trying something new to "bargain" with our disease. There are many outcomes to this advice. It worked for me due to the unique culture in the military. It may not (probably will not) work for you. If it works, use it. If it does not, realize that for you to have a "normal" life you need to stick to the program.
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Hey GMS, I just looked at your past posts and I see where you are. I really would not go tonight. I just realized I answered one of your earlier posts about not being able to call yourself an alcoholic, and I gave you the same advice then that I gave above-be honest. It sounds like you are wavering at step 3 due to issues with finding your HP. Start small with your HP. Your HP does not need to be God. Many people have issues with "God" per se and start with a more "mystical" HP such as nature, goodness, light, you get the picture. The main thing is you need to establish that pattern before you go out, because you are powerless over alcohol. You are at step three, so you know that. You need some HP to reach out to and to turn your disease over to. You may be mad at God, that is very common with people who have lost loved ones. From my perspective, your anger at God does not preclude you from finding another HP. My view is from years of contact with my HP, and that has evolved over the years. My HP has evolved as I understand my HP, but I have found that it was the same HP all along, and I found that my HP did not mind being thought of as something else, as long as I made the effort to reach out. Please check back in with your experience relating to tonight. Tom
-- Edited by turninggrey on Friday 4th of June 2010 08:44:34 AM
-- Edited by turninggrey on Friday 4th of June 2010 09:18:57 AM
__________________
"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
I like TG's response on this one. You will get many, varying opinions on this question. For me, if your uncomfortable or don't know what to do, do nothing, meaning don't go. If you do go when asked; I've just stated in the past- not drinking this evening. Left it at that. Eventually, the people you hang with will stop asking. As you progress in your recovery by working the steps- you'll be placed into a position of neutrality. Meaning you won't fight the urge to drink or have to avoid being around it. You'll be neutral on this issue. That's one of the gifts of the program.
One thing I did do in early sobriety when I had events like this was to dicuss it with my sponsor first, take my own car and have a cell phone handy. You can leave when you want and talk to someone in the program when necessary.
I always ask myself, "what's the easiest thing for Brian to do?". Is it easier for me to say no to the drink, or is it easier for me to say no to the place/situation where the drink is. If I say no to the place/situation, then the really hard choice for me is simply removed. If I choose to go to where there is drink, then it becomes so much more difficult, and today I try to take it easy. If you must go, say something like Mike B. mentioned, that your not drinking tonight. There's no reason to go into detail, just keep it simple and be honest. If they press the issue, a simple "no thanks" should be enough for anyone who really are your friends. What bothered me the most in the early days of my sobriety was not refusing the drink at the restaurant or bar, but the fear of "caving in" and making that dreaded stop at the package store on the way home. Once the thought was in my head, the obsession soon followed.
I'm comfortable enough today that if/when people ask I usually make it into a joke. My favorite is "I'm allergic to alcohol. It makes me break out in handcuffs and black eyes.", or "why do you want all your stuff tore up?". My friends today all know and don't even drink themselves. I can't think of any good reason to go to any place like that today, so the problem is usually already worked out for me. Whatever your choice, be honest and open, and do the things that Mike did in his early sobriety. Remember, this disease is cunning, baffling, and powerful.
When I was newly sober, I was also working at a new job where nobody there had seen me drink before. So there really wasn't any pressure to go party. At some point my boss asked me if I was going to some after-work gathering, or something like that and I said no. He said "I always figured you for a beer drinker". I said you figured right, but not anymore. He never mentioned it again.
I went to the company summer picnic when I was about 5 months sober. There were over 150 people there counting family members etc. There were exactly four people who may as well have been handcuffed to the beer keg. I know I would have been the fifth one. By that time, I really didn't have much interest in fraternizing with the four increasingly obnoxious drunks so I never got any closer.
Christmas of that year we had an in-office party. I hung out for a short while, until I went to pick up some celery from the veggie tray and discovered someone had spilled beer on it.
When someone offers me a drink, I simply say... "no thanks, unless you want me to steal your car and pinch your wifes butt.. because thats the kind of stuff I do when I drink."
Actually weigh in how important going is to you. Is it just a social gathering, Dinner, or a special event.
Will it make a difference if you go or stay home--if it is work related, then show up for a bit and bow out gracefully.
Did you have to RSVP for food count purposes? If not do not worry about missing going.
At family gatherings--the best is just to say I have had enough of it and decided to quit. If someone asks further take them aside and really tell them. I had to do that with an Aunt that kept on bugging me to drink anyhow.
After I had been in the rooms for a while (pre relapse) I would jokingly tell people that each person is aloted a certain amount of alcohol that they can drink in their lifetime and I had already drank mine, I would have to wait until my next lifetime until I could drink again. This was in the rare occation that I was forced into sitituations that included alocohol. Most people either nodded their head in understanding or just looked at me strangely and walked away. It has been my experience that more people are unconcerned about what you drink, as long as you don't drink theirs. And those are the kind of people I avoid.
Right now, with only 31 days sober, I wouldn't even go into a store that sells alcohol. As of this minute I can honestly say I do not want a drink, but I'm not taking any chances. I will stay as far away as I can unless I have someone with many years sobriety with me. And even then I'd think twice. I think if I had a choice, I definately stay home.
In early sobriety I didnt go into bars or places that served booze.
I was 3 months sober when my daughter got married and I left her wedding reception early ( cuz 98% of the ppl were drinking ) and went to a meeting.
Our book talks about being spiritually fit to attend parties, places that serve booze, etc.
It has taken many things ... God, my sponsor, the steps and just plain good old experience but today I can go into places that serve booze, receptions, parties, etc. without feeling out of place.
The obsession & compulsion to drink has been removed thank God ! But this process and feeling of comfort takes time. And I never let my guard down.
If ppl ask me to drink, I simply say , " No thankyou".
At the end of 1 month sobriety I had a couple over for dinner, who were our closest social companions. I was the only one not drinking. By the end of the evening I was miserable and going out of my skin, and here in my own home late in the evening. I had to leave off and go to bed while listening to them get stupid.
The next month I tried it out again by going with husband to a brewery because I wanted my favorite chicken wings for my belly birthday, which they don't serve many places in my neck of the woods. Even though we sat in the dining area, I kept thinking about what I used to do when I sat 40 feet away. I wished I hadn't gone, even though the only other person there with me was supportive of my sobriety.
Lastly, around the same time I tried a work bbq, and gave myself the right to leave at any moment. No one knew I wasn't drinking. I said hello and immediately joined in on the volleyball court for an hour before dinner was ready. Right after we ate, I could see that the real drinking was about to begin, so I left. It was harder than I thought to leave early. Currently, I see that many people leave a party early. This was formerly a strange concept, as I NEVER left a party early.
From then on, I have chosen not to go to places where people will be doing purposeful drinking. It's seemed dangerous and easily avoidable. I began to feel so much more comfortable with sober folks and now I love hanging out with sober people doing other different things.
I wouldn't recomend going. At least not at this stage. When the obsession passes you'll feel that pretty concretely and then being around drinkers is not such a big deal. Bars, drinking parties, and even drinking dinners with friends now appear infinitely boring to me, so much BS.
First ot all, the fact that you're asking on here is great sign that you're willing to start working this program. Great stuff. IT WILL WORK IF YOU WORK IT.
So, here's my experience t date,
What I do now is ask myself: do I have a good reason to be there? What can I bring to the event? Am I just trying to romance the past of the booze (BTW, this is all out of the Big Book, nothing that I came up with). No good answer to any of these questions means that I don't go.
If I do go, in those scenarios I say, "I'm not drinking tonight". That's perfectly honest. AA is all about not drinking today. My sponsor does the same thing.,
What I will also do is get there late, do the pleasantries, drink a water, and then split. Using this program, I can leave now when I want to, not when I have to (b/c I've been kicked out, the bar is closed and there's nowhere else to go, etc.).
I've got a post on here about a business meeting the other night where the host said "Come, GRAB a drink." Today in my program, I now look at grabbing that drink the same way that I would drinking a can of paint. That's today. If I don't work this program, then I'll start to pine for that drink. And when I'm doing that, then I CANNOT go into the lions den, and I will pick up an extra meeting instead.
All that's what I do. If you're asking my advice (and you may not be, not a problem if your're not), I'd say that you shouldn't go. If you work this program to the best of your ability, you will in due course be able to go to these things. Just not right now.
The dinner gathering wont be for another few weeks so I have some time to figure out what to do. Everyone has given some great advice! Will keep you posted on what happens!
The book tells us that if we are spiritually fit, we can go into any situation, and with God's care, emerge sober. Early in my sobriety, I avoided these situations. It was a good thing too, as we are particularly vulnerable then. Gradually though, as we live life, we will be around Alcohol. It's really quite unavoidable. I am around it quite a bit these days; I can go to sporting events, concerts, bars with good food, resturants, birthday parties, ice fishing etc, and have been enjoying the good life. I drink water, coffee, soda, when offered a drink, I simply say, "I don't drink", and most times that's all that needs to be said. If pressed, I like to turn it humorous, and tell them I will dancing on the table and puking on thier carpet, and they pretty much "get it", and that's all there is to it.
If you feel even the least bit shaky, then don't go.
If you do go, make sure you have an exit plan. There was very good advice about having a good reason to be at an an event. I wouldn't go to a kegger or a dive bar, but a good concert or a fancy pub that has a great burger? Damn straight I'll be there, happy, joyous, and free.
I just tell people (when it is appropriate to offer an explanation and I choose to do so) I have the disease of alcoholism and it will kill me if I drink. Usually opens the door to educate the ignorant, or weed out those who are toxic to my sobriety, and therefor not people I want to risk being around.
3 and a half years in, I have a list of explanations - I'm training for a marathon, I don't drink alcohol, medical reasons etc. but the easiest one of all when offered a drink is to just say no thanks.
T'aint nobody's business but mine.
But in early days, I decided that I would only go to a wet place if I had a damn good reason and would leave as soon as that reason expired.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
I agree with the others and the book, only go if you are in a good space (spiritually fit)..
If you go to a barber shop long enough, you will want to get your hair cut!!
When I did eventually put myself in that situation, I told my friends the truth, i.e. I have given up drink for good..
I got mixed replies... For me the honest approach worked... I learned who my real friends were then..
If I ever need to go where drink is, I make sure I have a backup plan.. (escape route, always drive etc.) I also drilled the saying into my head... dont pick up a drink, pick up the fone!!! It's like a firedrill now, as soon as dis-ease kicks in, I'm on my toes and gone... I don't care what anyone has to say, when I was in early recovery, members told me, you have to get selfish.. and another saying I have learned from a wise member was "what other people think of you is none of your business!" ...
Remember - Keep coming back!
-- Edited by sandy2010 on Monday 7th of June 2010 04:46:43 PM
Give Me Strength I have come up with a new answer for those who ask why I don't drink, this has worked quite well for me: "it gives me fuzzy brain", it's the short answer, they laugh & seem to accept it without further discussion. Good luck -c-
My husband and I just got invited out with friends for dinner. I am already worried about how I will explain my not drinking. I have made it through a couple situations with people by simply saying, "I am trying to cut alcohol out"...and people have really accepted that ...saying that I am on medications or that I have a bad hangover or something similar just wouldnt work--I always would drink in the past.
What have you said to get through a night like this? Thanks for any tips.
The reality is that other people don't care. It's us, who are obsessed with driking, that put all the importance on it. Other's people's reactions will mirror our attitude. This is true with all things in life. If I causually say, "no thanks, I've have ice tea (or a soda, or water)" that'll be the end of it. If they inquire further tell them you're on a health kick. After you're sober for a year or so, your close friends will know and your acquaintances won't care. This is more of a problem between your ears then anything else.
The AA position is that we don't avoid situations with alcohol, HOWEVER, those comments in the big book are to one who is in a "fit spiritual condition" which implies a person that has had a spiritual awakening "as a result of" working the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.
So, the question is: Are you in a fit spiritual condition, have you had a spritual awakening, and have you worked the 12 steps?
Only you know the answer. If you can honestly say yes, then there is no reason to avoid a social occasion that includes drinking.
Recovery from Alcoholism is a result of the 12 steps, hiding from alcohol is a very short term solution, and this a very patient disease.
If there is any doubt in your mind, work the steps (hey you've got what, a week? more than enough time).
WHAT TO SAY:
SUGGESTION A:
Miss Manners will back me on this one....
If you are offered alcohol, cocaine, cigarettes, a timeshare, illicit sex, etc, etc, etc THAT YOU DO NOT WANT the correct response is......
NO, THANK YOU Just a glass? NO THANK YOU Why not? NO, THANK YOU
If you are a little bitchy, (like me), you can ask if they are concerned with drinking more than you. Ok that is so not gracious.
SUGGESTION B:
Substitute the word brusselsprout for drink and rehearse that senario. Would you like a brusselsprout? NO, THANK YOU Just a litte brusselsprout? NO THANK YOU Why not? NO, THANK YOU. Think to self "What is their problem with Brusselsprouts.
SOLUTION C: Get a copy of "Living Sober". It covers a whole lot of these situations.
