I wish I hadn't ever allowed this disease to grow in me. Alcoholism sucks. I will meditate. I will pray to turn it over. I will work my steps as I am told but sometimes I just have a sh***y day and today is one of them. I'm tired. I'm pissy. I know lots of people have it worse than me and my gratuity list is long and full...but I'm an addict and as such; I have a long pot-holed road between my Fragmented Now and my Better Days To Be. Some days I'm taking that road in a Hummer...some days in a rickshaw. Today's a rickshaw.
Poop.
My wife and my boss sre the only two humans that I would like some validation from. Some strokes. Boss is generous with them. Almost gratuituous. Wife? If I walked on water her response would be "when did you forget how to swim?"
Hey Rob! I was in a spiritual reading awhile back and it talked about this man(could have been me,you,somebody else)and it said guy was doing something and his wife was doing one thing that really annoyed him.He went outside had a hissy fit and was thinking she always does this, makes me crazy....Then it dawned on him, all the mess she puts up with,the cooking, cleaning working groceries,child rearing and so on and Im all over this one thing......He immediately went inside and kissed her for no other reason than him thinking if there was only "one" thing I did that was annoying that would be a miracle.I also went in and kissed my wife...Who the heck could live with me:) :) and yup some days are going be just like that rainy and not sunny but still better than any day in the grips!! me too, goodnite im beat, ,going to bed ,,hope my wife ain't snoring again and if she is i'll just give her a kiss.........
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Yeah I relate. Self pity is such a comfortable place for me to be in sometimes. When the whining in my head reaches whirlpool velocity I have to change my attitude about the smell of poop or just be completely pooped and go to beg, I mean bed. Which I am now, pooped out and must go. You know how it is. Heart, Angela
If we rely on other people's validation and praise to make us happy we are allowing them to control our lives. I learned a long time ago that I am responsible for my own happiness. No matter what happens in my day I know I can start it over at anytime and if I go to sleep at night sober I have had one hell of a good day and I thank God for it.
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Tell me and I'll forget. Teach me and I'll remember. Involve me and I'll learn.
It's a tricky issue. You do have the prerogative to ask for validation from your wife. The type of validation one would expect to have in a relationship is hearing "I love you" and various forms of affection (not just sex)...Of course your wife did just pop out a baby and is really focused on that I'm sure. I recall when she was gone for a couple of weeks you were ready to die almost. I think you got a case of the CODAs like me...After getting sober now for 20 months, I find myself in dating scenarios where I feel "Im not happy with you but I am not happy without you either"...then of course I realize I'm just not happy with me....shrug. Then again, there are days where everything seems peachy also and in general, nothing is as big a deal as it used to be. Work in progress like you.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Rob, Hang in there, This To Shall Pass. If you don't have a sh*tty day now and then you won't know what a good one looks or feels like. If your like me; we would get complacent and expect every day to be the same. Not going to happen........
Bob K- I love your post on validation. Being a CODA, I need to be constantly reminded of my alcoholism and all the symptoms. Being co-dependent is one of them.
I've been where you are Rob, and know how much things can suck sometimes. I have to remember how much damage I caused my wife and kids, and can't expect them to just "forgive and forget" over night. After all, it can take a long time to clean up after a tornado. Today I try to avoid validation, because I suffer from a very hungry ego. If I let others feed it, or worse yet feed it myself, it grows way to big, and before I know it it's out of control again.
When I start feeling this way, my sponsor tells me I need to work with another alcoholic and get out of my head. One of his favorites is "poor me, poor me, pour me another drink". I hate it when he says that, but he's right. When I focus on helping someone else, the $h*tty feeling seems to go away, and I start feeling better about things.
As was said before, this too shall pass, and remember, THE BEST IS YET TO COME!
Thanks, ya'll! Today is better. The only thing that has changed is my perspective. I'm looking forward to OutPatient tonight. I like Group. We addicts are very loving people when we feel safe. It's when we don't feel safe that we turn into tornadoes devouring and destroying everything we touch.
Glad to hear things are better today Rob. I agree with us addicts sticking together. Funny how that works, but I'm sure glad it does. Enjoy your group!
We addicts are very loving people when we feel safe. It's when we don't feel safe that we turn into tornadoes devouring and destroying everything we touch.
Never heard it put like that before Rob.....but yes! That's this alcoholic...for sure.
Thanks to this program I'm getting alot better but yes, I still have the propensity to think and act irrationally if I don't feel 'safe'.
Rob, you already know the answer. And that is that we have to DROP the "I expect him/her/it to......"from our thinking and our actions. You are doing ZERO of this for wife or sponsor. You do it for you. You are doing it for you... You are doing it for you... You are not staying sober to show others (sponsor) how well you are doing. You are not staying sober to ease anyone else's (wife) fears. You are not doing it to counteract or defy anyone else's (wife, sponsor, etc.)suspicions that "this might not be the real thing this time (your recovery)...."
Throw all that shit into the nearest garbage can. OTHER CENTERED THINKING is not the answer to feeling healthy and complete. I have had a string of shitty days (you know that) and every time I STOP thinking about how others are treating me or not treating me or ignoring me or pushing me away or taking me for granted yada yada yada.... every time I LET GO of other people, I feel so so so much better.
If someone tells me "You are doing great", it is not necessarily true. If someone tells me "You are not doing a very good job", it is not necessarily true. What others think about your recovery doesn't matter a hill of beans. What happens within you does matter, and is what will make or break you, not THEM.
Yo Rob, My 2 cents on this: I am with JJ on this. What you are doing with your life and alcohol is the correct path. I think you need to actually take an attitude with your wife that you do not care what she thinks, that you are right in this. I do not think the attitude needs to be vindictative or mean, I just think you should not allow her to make this dramatic. You and she may not even realize there is a bit of an "interaction" over this. When she ignores your advances she has power over you if you let it bother you. She may need this "power" to protect herself from past infractions on your part. Although you are a "team" as man and wife, there is also an issue of leadership. Your "leadership" is going to entail remaining sober for you and with humility and understanding, cop an attitude that you KNOW what you are doing is right when you follow the program. No excuses or begging for recognition. She will follow when you get a bit more time under your belt and your track record is clear. Don't get me wrong. You are already a 97.2% changed man. Sometimes that extra 2.8% is the hardest to get, but you are over the hurdle.
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
I once told my sponsor how bad my life sucked, he smiled that smile they teach in sponsorship class, patted me on the back and said... "You're doing great!, making progress!"
I asked, "Did you not understand me?" I repeated to him again, all the stuff wrong in my life...
He smiled that smile again and said... "John, your life sucked for 30 years and you didn't have a clue, not even a suspicion. At least today you are sober enough to know its sucking!!"
"You're doing good and making progress."
He patted me on the back and walked away.
That was approximately 20 years ago... I'm grateful for the sucky life I have today... it sure beats the suckiness of my life before sobriety.
