Hey Angelov8, I am a member of a 12 step program similar to Al-Anon(no implied endorsements here)and we learn that the individual must take responsibility for their actions.Let go and let God situations.Very difficult and we also say you'll do things in your own way and your own time.The hardest thing I ever had to do was put my son on the street in the full bloom of his addiction at 18.We weren't sure if he would die,go to jail or get in recovery,but we did know that "we" were only prolonging his fall. I cried myself to sleep at night and never felt this devastated even during my 25 year run..Find that support group also .Its a little weird wearing both hats but arent we a little weird anyway I can definitely identify with you pain.I can only emphatically say though"YOUR RECOVERY HAS TO COME FIRST" or you;ll all go down with the ship.This illness waits and lurks for moments like these in our lives,work hard,pray to your HP ,pound your 3rd step(all of our lives aswife,friend,worker,mother,daughter etc..)God needs to take it all..I will keep you in prayer,its funny we know how it was for us and what others could do(nothing)yet when it comes to our loved ones its like we know nothing!!I do wish you peace,,Through God's grace my now 24 year old son is working recovery and starting his entry back into life,but its only 'one day at a time",didnt mean for a diatribe,but this situation shook the core of my recovery even after MANY YEARS.Cunning,baffling and insidious....and I am greatful that  my God always gives me reminders that although we do recover we still sit near the fire.............

It's reassuring to hear from others who have dealt with the same pain.  This is just now coming to a head for me.  It's partly that I've remained totally focused on my own recovery, and now that the black clouds are dissapating, I feel I can't help but notice more around me.  I've tried not to take his inventory, but as we live together, I have to say I've seen a progression in his drinking lately and we know which direction this is headed.

I did pick him up, for with out the benefit of another immediate opinion I felt it would help get me to bed quicker and more at peace.  I think it is time to consider another 12 step group for other voices of experience with this.  I couldn't help that notice after asking if picking him up was enabling here on the board, that I made a point of asking him if he needed me to set an alarm to make sure he gets to work and did that too.  My thinking is that if he doesn't get to work  the bills will fall short.  Again I'm sure I'd hear about this on the other program board. 

I also want to share that I did manage to remain calm and not get angry after picking him up.  I did not manage to hold my tongue however.  I told him I had couple of things I wanted to say.  "I'm trying to be grateful that your continuous drinking shows me how I do not want to live my life".   Perhaps a tiny negative and unhumble.  And the whopper, "I've wanted to ask you if you think your drinking is different than your mother's." (His mom is openly acknowledged a low bottom active alkie, and he has talked about the pain of growing up with a mom too busy drinking to come home and take care of the kids)

His response was in third person, "Jeremy has a drinking problem" and  "can't talk about it when drunk."  I knew that anyway and finished with "I love you and I'm glad you are safe and I'll be wanting to talk to you eventually about something when you'll remember.  He apologized to me and all the animals in our house who didn't get taken care of  today due to his failure to come home.

I suspect this is only the end of the beginning of this sort of behavior if he is alcoholic and it will get much worse soon.  I want to know what choices I have.  Yes, leave him is one.  I also like to know about other ways of handling living with a drinker.  The way I've done it before was to drink with them, then none of it is so bothersome, seems like normal behavior to go to the pub after work everyday and if one doesn't make it home a few nights a week, so what.  Gotta be done, Ranting now.  Love, Angela

In the light of day I'm not sure if I should bring it up again and definitely feel I need some more information.  Hope to meet the folks on the other board perhaps soon.

You didn't miss any thing, because there was a repeat of the same deal day before yesterday.  I waited till he was sober Saturday(yesterday) and by then I was miserable myself, to finally tell him I needed to comunicate some things.  I didn't make ultimatims or anything.  Just talked about how I felt.  And that I thought getting wasted 2-3 times a week excessive.  I know I can't change him.  I said I needed help dealing with/accepting his behavior.  That I find it increasingly hard to relate to someone who is bored when not drinking, because I'm just beginning to get excited about doing and getting out there enjoying life instead of being drunk or hungover sitting on my ass.  Oh yeah, that it was dissapointing to me to find the window for acceptable sex relations seems to be continually narrowing as I'm not interested in the hubby who reeks of sourmash breath and beer farts. He listened, said he was happy with things the way they are, he was sorry I was miserable and that it was messed up that he disses responsibilities because of drunkeness, he thinks he can control his drinking, and plans to try not get wasted as often.  The most I've seen him go was five days.  Heck, I bet he might do a little longer, but would be a pissy bugger, I'd be buying him the beer then.

Yeah, I think a new program for me is in order.  However, I heard that one is often about how to get a divorce.  I'll try not to future trip up myself here.  It was good to get some things out in the open so I don't start holding onto resentment.  I don't have much hope.  I didn't drink today and got to wait on quite a few AA's today.  That was good.