Hello, My name is Barry R and I am an alcoholic. I have started a new website, www.mylastdrunk.com and it is a place for you to share your "last drunk" story with other alcohlics and carry the message. Here is my last drunk story:
My last drunk was January 25th 2008.The night began around 5pm with the vow, I am not going to drink tonight.This undertaking was uttered in the presence of a friend, Anna, who then responded something to the effect of, why do you have to be so black and white about it?Why dont you just have a few drinks like me?
Honestly, the idea of having a few drinks had never really occurred to me.I rarely wanted to or tried to drink like everybody else.It never really seemed necessary because I had so fully accepted my condition -- I liked to get drunk.I liked to get fucked up blackout drunk loser drunk .
When I was 16 years old I had been arrested for shoplifting, and part of the penalty was to do community service.My alcoholic (recovering) mother, who noticed all-too-familiar tendencies in her son, brought me to my first AA meeting so I could complete some of my CS requirement.
I remember hearing old people talking about their drinking and I knew exactly what they meant.Throughout the meeting, I had that sinking feeling in my chestlike when you see the flashing lights in the rear-view mirror and you know youve been caught.I knew I was an alcoholic and it was only a matter of time until I would be in AA.On our way out of the meeting, I looked up at my mother and said, I feel like I know these people.
Of course, at age 16 I was nowhere near ready to give up drinking fuck that.But I knew.I knew I liked to drink like alcoholics liked to drink.I knew I drank for the same reasons that alcoholics drank.I knew I felt the same loneliness and hopelessness I had heard expressed in that meeting and would later learn is a common experience among us folk.
So back to the night of January 25th.
Well, first let me tell you that back in October I had totaled my car.I was on my way back from Dennys at 3 in the morning, had half a bottle of whiskey in me and was getting a rise out of watching my buddy panic as I sped through intersections intentionally ignoring the stop signs. All of a sudden, on this perfectly clear night, the car started spinning.I still cannot explain that.It was as if I were driving on ice and had slammed the brakes but the pavement was dry.
We came to a stop, got out, and the two front wheels were about a block down the street.We didnt crash, nobody was hurt, and nobody even saw.We called a friend who picked us up and I went home, continued drinking that whiskey, phoned the police and told them that the wheels came off my car, and I would take care of it in the morning.Funny thing is, they didnt even question it.That was actually my only interaction with the Police regarding the accident.I talk about the car because it didnt stop me.I drove drunk very often, actually looking forward to it at times, and figured this was bound to happen sooner or later.
That happened in October.I think around December I had a very lonely drunk.I came home from the bar, grabbed my guitar and started playing and crying myself to sleep.Anna, who lived close by, called and suggested I come over because I sounded so upset.I showed crying at her door and said, Im killing myself and I dont know what to do.She told me she would help me find help, but she didnt have to after that.I had admitted my problem to another person.
The next day, my words were left echoing in my head as I felt the typical shame, remorse, and guilt I would also later find out is common among us folk.As I sat on the stained carpet of my dark basement suite, I felt the world closing in on me.This was a common feeling thoughnothing new.I felt the pressure of schoolworried I would fail my upcoming assignments and impending exams.I felt like a shitty student, a shitty musician, and an overall shitty person.Life was fucking tough.
Then it clicked.What if alcohol was my problem?And I didnt just mean, what if I had a problem with alcohol?That was clear.I meant, what if that was my problem?Like my only problem -- and the other problems/stresses were feeding off of the alcohol?I instantly pictured the scene in Independence Day when the mother ship gets blown up and the small ships drop to the ground.What if alcohol was the mother ship and all the other problems in my life would just disappear if I tackled this one?What if as bad as I feel now, I could feel that good?What if AA could work for me how Ive seen it work for my mom?
I shit you not, my whole attitude changed at that moment.That was my mustard seed.I felt the hope and faith that I was accustomed to feeling only through my drinking.I picked up the big book my mom had conveniently given to me and began reading the forward.
The similarities were all there.Every word of that goddam book made sense to me and I knew it.I did not really fight the fact that I was an alcoholic at this point, but I was hesitant to go to AA meetings.I decided I would stop drinking on my own.Hah!Pretty standard move, dont you think?
Now this really was the first time I had made this vow.Surely, during a brutal hangover I would swear never to drink again but those times were different.At times like that, the motivation behind my decision never to drink again was to avoid pain.This time, the motivation behind my decision to not drink again was to feel pleasure as bad as I felt after drinkingthats how good I wanted to feel.I was actually getting excited not to drink because I was holding on to this idea that things were going to get better.I had seen it happen to my mom.
I did pretty well not drinking on my own.I smoked a lot of hookah, ate a lot of chicken fingers from Safeway and slept an average of 12-14 hours a day.This lasted two or three weeks until I went to Seattle for Christmas vacation.I went to a bar and saw old high school friends.They offered me beers and I proudly refused and told them I didnt drink anymore.Then I was hanging out with a small group of people at a friends house, and I decided to have one beer.Actually, I think I had a drink of whiskey and two beers.All the same.Oh yeah, and there was really good pecan pie there.That was actually delicious pie now that I think about it.No car crash, no crying, I had managed to control it I was in the clear.
Fast forward one month January 25th.We are in the car before the party and I know how I drink.Anna suggests I only have a few tonight.I know that wont be any fun for me but I tell her I think that sounds good to me.Ill just have a few.Itll be easy I will only drink when she drinks.
We get to her friends house and I politely accept my first drink of the night.A few minutes in, on my way to the bathroom I pass through the kitchen, see the bottles of vodka with nobody else around and I help myself to a few pre-piss shots.I do my business, and help myself to a few post-piss shots.
The next thing I remember is getting into a taxi with Anna who was kind of upset at my inability to control my drinking like we had planned at which point I demanded we stop by my place so I could grab my hookah.After making the stop, we got to her house, and she got some ice cream out of the freezer.I got a peek of an unopened bottle of tequila in her freezer.I waited until she fell asleep, snagged the bottle, crept outside and threw myself a party in her front yard.
I was drinking her tequila, phoned my buddy in Arizona and told him how shitty I felt about my life.I took a taxi and bought a pack of smokes at 7-11.Took a different cab back to Annas house.Got the bottle of tequila and took a third taxi to my friend Jeffs house.He rented the basement suite of a house down in Kitsilano. I went around the side of the house to his bedroom window.I slid it open, jumped onto his bed and told him to wake up and drink with me.This was around 4:30 am and he had to wake up and go to Cypress Mountain for work at around 5.I convinced him to phone in sick and hang out with me.
We walked down to Jericho Beach and I remember lying between two logs, chain-smoking and drinking warm tequila out of a plastic cup.That would end up being my last drink.
When the bottle was empty, it was around 6:30 or 7am. I figured I could either go buy one of those $10 lumberjack sandwiches from Safeway, go home, eat it in bed and wake up tomorrow or I could get an early start on the day.So, Jeff and I bussed to my place, got my car, loaded up my guitar and I drove to Granville Island to busk for the tourists, and try to make some money.I was about to begin playing and my head felt like it weighed a hundred pounds.I phoned Anna and asked if she wanted to come listen to me play music at Granville Island.Then I apologized for taking her whiskey and told her I would be happy to reimburse her for it.She was speechless.
