nothing I've done is going to sound unusual around here I know but maybe writing it will help me with the choice I've got to make.
I sit here once again deciding that I have to quit, again.
I'm forty eight years old and I've been fighting this same thing since I first took a drink at maybe 12 or 13.
It always the same, it starts out great and then I can't or don't want to stop. I'm not talking in general but each and every time I start drinking.... I'll be in a bar and for the first hour or two i'm funny, nice and having a great time.. then I'm an ass and drunk to the point of embarrassment.
I drank to blacking out the first time I drank and I've blacked out twice in the last week.
I ended up in rehab when I was 17 and have at times been sober for christ I can't even remember, but maybe as long as 5 or so years in my 20s.
Currently I'm on a roll of about 10 years where a few times a month I drink to the point where I want to quit because I've gone too far once again. The rest of the time it's pretty much a bottle of wine or 4 or 5 beers a night at home or at dinner with friends. But put me in a party situation and look out.
I've through drinking, tried almost every drug and literally OD'd (as in heart stopped dead) woke up in the ER and jumped out of the bed and ran home...
For some reason I've managed to not get hooked on anything else but booze.. for sure I'd already be dead dead if I had.
I suspect I can stop again if I want to, (Most of me really does) but I'm fearful as of course is normal (for a drunk) that I'll after a few days, weeks or months be sucked back in. I understand "one day at a time" and I'll do my best to follow the idea.
I hope I can bring myself to go back to meetings but I'm not sure... as like a lot of you I don't really like a lot of the folks ( I know, there are people I wouldn't want to drink with either)..
anyway, if nothing else I hope this makes someone feel fortunate they aren't where I am right now. wish me luck.
Hello Don! I can definitely identify with your story.I also started my journey into oblivion in 1959,a young boy who already showed manifestations of disease even before my first blackout.I was already hooked on nicotine,was stealing money to buy cigarettes and hanging with older crew who could buy us alcohol.Would drink use barbituates(easy to get)inhalants and whatever else was available.I hung witht the crowd that skipped school ,didnt go home at night and was always in some kind of jam.For 25 years,ever progressing ,thru 3 marriages ,2 divorces,4 children (2 in their 40's ,2 in their 20's) children addicted to heroin and social drugs, there was no option for me.If I continued to drink I would die,it was pretty obvious,so not like Bill W. with any white light revelation but a surrender knowing I was done ,I made the admission and never used again.THAT WAS 1984.Since that day,I have had to always remain vigilante,work spiritual steps in my life ,find a sponsor and give back practiscing our 5th tradition and doing 12th step work if called on.My real question to you is'WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO DIFFERENT THIS TIME?Its not really about the stopping ,its about the using.We all tried many different ways of stopping,but staying stopped didnt happen until total surrender and work.I really can't wish you good luck because in order to stay stopped it takes more than luck it takes work in the solution(our steps)You have tried everything and literature tells us that recovery from this illness can only occur through a spiritual experience.Its not about liking people its about loving yourself.I only know for me I could never take that first drink again,and after many years I choose not to.Do I have this thing down! NO WAY!.Thats why only through Gods grace,my ability and willingness to do the work and then give back what is freely given to me can I remain sober"one day at a time"You can also...,hope to see you telling of your first day back, and then on from there to help us remain sober....We can do this all together.Didnt mean to sound preachy,but until you are done>and you admit your done, the insanity will continue...talk to you next time.peace.
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Hi, Kind of interesting. I hope the quality of your life can be improved by posting here. If alcohol cannot beat you into a state of reasonableness, Nothing I can say or do will be able to. So I wish you some degree of happiness in your life. I do not think we were meant to suffer all the time. Toad
Hi Don, welcome. You don't have to drink if you don't want to. Folks way worse than you or me have come into this program, gone to meetings (even if they didn't like the folks at them, that's not a requirement), worked the 12 steps with the help of a sponsor and are sober.
I know for my part that I can't stop drinking if I don't make AA my number 1 priority. Just the way it is for me (and for my sponsor, 30 years without a sip) and other alcoholics.
Hello Don. I am indeed glad I have gotten past the point of not wanting to do to AA and SAVE MY LIFE simply because "I don't like people". That was ahorrible excuse and almost left me DEAD.
I will pray that you somehow get back to meetings. I can't afford not to go.
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
thank you all for the replies. It is insane I know, to keep doing something that I know will eventually kill me and or make me wish it had... I've been successful in work as a result of working hard but nothing has been harder than dealing with my alcoholism. I find it much different dealing with the "work" it takes to not drink. I've got good friends that though they almost never mention my drinking I know love me more when I don't. That said, my two best friends (real friends, not drinking buddies) have issues with alcohol are probably alcoholic as well. My wife is borderline also but enjoys being a " bit of a lush" and she is most certainly an enabler. I wish I could just check myself in somewhere but my circumstances won't really allow for it. Would be so much easier. I'm so tired of this crap.. I fear every social situation and party, knowing that I will probably get too drunk.. I'm hungover more than half the time and feel like shit. I've embarrassed my self at places I like and can't bring myself to go back... all because I want to be normal and be able to drink.. Disease or not I know that something about me is not normal. Any normal person would never drink again if they had even one of my "bad" nights never mind doing it 20 or more times a year. I guess I'm bitter but I do know I'm not alone. I do know that in the scope of things being an alcoholic is pretty light weight compared to disabilities that some have to deal with or terminal diseases that can't be stopped by simply not drinking something... So I'll be a little less cool (at least on those few odd times when I held it together) but eventually I'll be able to walk down my street without wondering if any of the neighbors saw me stumbling home they other night... be able to look all my friends in the eye after a night out and hopefully find myself in a better place overall. Thanks for letting me ramble.
What caught my eye was your sign in name, not normal, I would say that all of us here, that are in Recovery from the Disease of Alcoholism, are the one's that fit that catagory, not normal.
Alcoholics drink that is a given, and not drinking brings with it an unnatural state for the alcoholic...
You sound like you have a pretty good grasp about this Disease, and also of the Progression of it.....and what I saw as a bright glaring red light was never even a thought as to what it takes.....it only requires Surrender.
Bob, one of our wonderful Sober friends here changed his signature, but it used to be so powerful, everytime I read it....and that is We Surrender to Win.
Also, just a PS to this, I would almost be willing to bet, that if the day comes, and I truly Pray that it will for you, that in Recovery from Alcohol, you will learn to like yourself, and then just possibly the people that you dont like just might turn out to be some of your best friends....well just thinking out loud here.....
Ask a God of your understanding, and for me it was asking a God that was NOT of my understanding to please help me find another way to live, that was over 19 years ago, and have not found a need to take a drink since that question or request went out to that God of not my understanding.
Hugs, and hope that you will stay on this site, and let some of what is written sink in, and we never know what might be right around the corner......On that same God that I still do not understand, but that I trust with my life, and HE has helped me, well that not the entire truth, HE is responsible for me not drinking. I was a very stubborn person, hard headed as you can find, but HE Gave me a New Life, and if asked, dont have any doubt that he would do the same for you..
Hugs to you....come on in from the cold my friend, your life is calling you....
Toni
-- Edited by Just Toni on Monday 24th of May 2010 05:23:28 PM
I wont wish you luck, cuz luck has absolutely nothing to do with staying sober the AA way.
I will wish and pray for you that you decide for yourself that you've had enough of drinking and would like to live a really good life instead of continuing to drink and most likely die.
Don, You're right in that your story is very familiar. Those sound like my drinking habits used to be, and would be, if not for admitting that I was an alcoholic and joining up with AA, as I have a desire to stop drinking. I never OD'd at a hospital...but had a belly full of smack forefully regurgitated out of me when my dope-guru noticed my breathing had become erratic.
Same disease...different details.
Most of the people in my life kind of looked the other way and then baby-sat my extreme episodes; pulling me out of campfires, pulling my car out of ditches, making sure the bedroom door at the party was locked so that nobody would steal my wallet, etc. One guy called the EMTs on me when I passed out on his bathroom floor taking a dump and slpit my forehead open on his tile.
Others hung their hats over my photo for good. One said "I knew you were a drunk when I married you but I hoped you'd grow out of it." Others said "Daddy, why?" and finally my employers said "You went too far this time, Rob. Get help or pack your stuff. Here's a couple of phone numbers. Let us know by tomorrow what you decide."
Now I'm on the difficult and rewarding road to recovery. I'm a new man or perhaps I should say I'm the boy I was before my first drunk and he's learning how to become a man.
it's good for me to think about what has gotten me here..
i didn't OD in the hospital it was in my truck with my new drinking buddy i'd met that night. Im sure he thought my tolerance for heroin was similar to his as I'm pretty good at playing along..hence the OD.
the paramedics got my heart started in the middle of the street about three blocks from where i own my business. Nice side benefit was my missing watch that my mom had given me years before. hope my new drinking buddy is enjoying it! btw that was over ten years ago and no it didn't slow me down.
Welcome to the MIP board. I hope someday we can welcome you to AA. It's your choice whether you want to get better. If not as Mike said we will leave the light on for you.
The most difficult action for me for me was admitting that I had a problem and going to my first meeting.
Successful AA members at that meeting suggested to me the following:
1. I should pray every day to God as I understood him for the obsession to drink to be lifted.
2. Don't quit forever just don't drink for 24 hours at a time and renew this every 24 hours (in some cases it was 5 minutes at a time for me in the beginning)
3. Keep coming back to the meetings. We have a solution!!
This was about all I could manage to do in the beginning but it kept me dry long enough so that I could decide that I wanted what they had.
AA works best for most. It worked for me and it will work for you!!
Ask questions. Nothing is to trivial to ask after all you are just beginning to travel a path that leads to a whole new life and you will need a road map
Larry, ----------------------------- Your 3 Choices, Locked Up, Covered Up or Sobered Up
