So, I was talking with my wife the other night after rehab and I was saying that I felt numb and forgot how some emotions even felt. I was wrong.
I'm still in touch with rejection and sadness. I'll give the resentment & anger to God.
Today I shared E,S & H regarding how I was able, with the poer and grace of my HP, to arrest "stinkin' thinkin'" with the Daily Reflections book and a gratitude list and thank God & AA that I had those tools at my disposal as relapse preventors when I wasn't in a position to make a WE phone call, I was late for work and in the parking lot at my job.
After the meeting, my sponsor pulls me aside and says "You're supposed to call me, no matter what. I am your first life-line. I can't be your sponsor any more. You just don't get it."
I'm stunned. Yeah...I can feel. Now that it's just me & God I trust the company I keep.
Hey Rob! I don't know all the backround with you and your sponsor but for me, I would let it settle for a day and then get together one more time to discuss the situation face to face.Sponsorship comes in all kinds of scenarios but basically a sponsors prime purpose is to help you work the steps.The last thing you want is to harbor any resentments and I would be sure, for myself, to clear the air.If it can't be worked out,then at least you can move forward and get another sponsor(be sure to do that).I had many different ideas about sponsorship early on but now I am of the school that I would never give up on a sponcee .I would never give up as God never gave up on me I would pray that my sponcee would start working toward the solution but I cant make them,I can only carry the message.. .Believe me my thoughts on this has changed as I would originally would tell my sponcees what I expected of them (working the steps,calling,making 90/90 when to contact me(always if ready to pick up but oherwise contact times /phone numbers etc...A sponsor is just another person with the same illness only they may have been treating themselves a little longer and have worked through.the steps..It is important that you are both working recovery or its not beneficial to either person.Good luck,stay strong,you are responsible for your own recovery so whatever it takes work it out..this is just my stuff..
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Rob, It does not have to be that complex. This guy (your sponsor) has too much drama. Drop him and get a new one. Its that simple. There is plenty of experience out there and a fresh perspective may be a real help right now. Why does he choose to mess up your mind at this point? Drama. My opinion is FIDO (F--- It Drive On) This is the second time in a couple weeks he has pulled this stunt. I would thank him for all his help and remain his friend and respect him, but drama is a personality flaw you do not need right now. YOU DO GET IT! YOU are a changed man. You do not need to be punished for all your hard work. Just turn this over to your HP, stick with the simplicity of the program and do the hard work of going to meetings. You are really doing great and if no one is telling you that --then there is a problem. Hang in there my man. Remember, I gave you your avitar. Would I steer you wrong? Tom
-- Edited by turninggrey on Friday 21st of May 2010 07:31:35 PM
-- Edited by turninggrey on Friday 21st of May 2010 08:06:10 PM
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
It is sad but I agree just try to keep moving forward and not have it hurt you. Sometimes sponsors are not the best people for the job and its good to find another. I hope you are not too effected by what he said and shop around for another sponsor. TBH i think what he said is not that great, it sounds like you are doing really well what is wrong with doing what you said I dont get it. (but i dont know whole story). Sounds very strict though. I couldnt handle that myself.
It is good that you can get another sponsor it might pay to ask someone to be a temporary sponsor straight away if you need one ASAP.
-- Edited by slugcat on Friday 21st of May 2010 08:13:19 PM
Aquaman wrote:Today I shared E,S & H regarding how I was able, with the power and grace of my HP, to arrest "stinkin' thinkin'" (*0) with the Daily Reflections book (*1) and a gratitude list (*2) and thank God & AA (*3) that I had those tools at my disposal as relapse preventors (*4) when I wasn't in a position to make a WE phone call (*5), I was late for work and in the parking lot at my job.
After the meeting, my sponsor pulls me aside and says "You're supposed to call me, no matter what. I am your first life-line. I can't be your sponsor any more. You just don't get it."
I am going to take a different tack, and instead of saying put this behind, maybe ask what can be learned, there may be a lesson here, I have no judgment, I am going to ask some questions, maybe some hard ones.
I have never seen an instance where the sponsor and the sponsee, when spoken to afterwards tell the same reason why the sponsee was fired, the sponsor says one thing, the sponsee hears another, this communication difficulty is so normal that hearsay is not admissable in a court of law in any way shape or form.
First, I am guessing your sponsor has a good grounding in the program, I hope anyway, at least the basics, such as "no human power could relieve our alcoholism", so I suspect there may have been a misunderstanding somehow either in his understanding of his role as your higher power, in which case you are better you moved on, or why he fired you stating "you just don't get it"
In the actual program of Alcoholics Anonymous we don't use tips, tricks and slogans such as the ones I numbered in your original post to get and stay sober, we aren't in the business of relapse prevention, those are rehab techniques, in AA we use the spiritual awakening as THE result of doing the steps to literally remap the mind so a return to alcohol is no longer necessary or even attractive.
The problem is removed.
There are "tools" we teach newcomers early on, such as 90 in 90 and using the phone that are helpful until one has the personality change sufficient to bring about recovery from alcohol as that result of those steps, but those are training wheels on a bicycle that hasn't been built yet, and they are by no means meant to be anything other then a stopgap measure.
Is it possible that what he meant was something different, that "what you don't get" is a complete and utter dedication to the program, which means the steps of alcoholics anonymous, in this case personified by your sponsor trying to take you through them?
When you asked him to sponsor you, did he ask "Are you willing to go to any lengths?" and if you said yes, have you? Did he try to meet with you and work the steps out of the book?
If not, and he really did think he was your higher power, and could magically cure you of alcoholism through the phone, you're better off without him, but if he meant "you need to stop dicking around and work the steps and I am done wasting my time here" when he said "you just don't get it" you may want to pay heed
He's the one with long term sobriety, so he may or not be wrong, but he has done something right
-- Edited by AGO on Friday 21st of May 2010 09:18:34 PM
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Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a night, light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
Rob, I wanted to be one of those people that kept their first sponsor forever and never relapses. Okay...well I have not relapsed on alcohol but I have continuously relapsed into some dumb behaviors. More importantly, I did have to move on to a 2nd sponsor and that is when my recovery really started to kick in to another level. It's not a bad thing and don't let it give you trust issues with people in AA.
I do agree with AGO about the fact that things can be learned from most any relationship if you allow yourself. I am sure you told your sponsor you would "go to any length" to stay sober. As the sponsor, any length would include the expectation of a phone call when you feel like drinking. It is the most basic tool of learning to tell on yourself and giving that last bit of power away that you are trying to keep over alcohol when alcohol really has all the power over you....it had the power to make you want to keep your desire to drink secret from your sponsor in the moment you relapsed. Your sponsor does not have the power...It's not about that or his ego...it's only about you giving the power of the drink away and making a phone call....a basic tool in AA.
Either way Rob, it's fun to look for a new sponsor...you probably already have a few in mind if you think about it.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Rob, this is not the first time your sponsor has done this to you. He "fired you" before when you were in need of his help, and then came back tail between legs and blamed it on his mother or something, as you reported just a few weeks ago.
People need to remember that sponsors are sick people too, and maybe sometimes they just don't want to sponsor any more? I would ask him if that's what he really wants, is to simply not sponsor you any more (and take that as HIS stuff and not yours), and then you can start looking for another sponsor right away. If I were a sponsor and had a sponsee like you or I, it would give me ample occasions to learn about this disease and stay sober one day at a time, because of it.
I have pulled more crap with my own sponsor in the past 10+ years than anyone could imagine. And although she never "chases me down", she has never rejected me because I used another tool instead of calling her. She has never rejected me after slips. She has never done anything other than simply remain available for when I am ready to do the action and work with her. She takes me through the steps, validates when I am making good choice, and warns me when I am making bad ones. She does not try to run the show, nor scold me like a child. She has as much to learn from me as I do her, and she has learned plenty from my slips and shortcomings and past "waffling around". She encourages that I work with many other women and use many other phone numbers and methods to get me through the day, and is not offended by that in the least.
Your sponsor is sending you a message, and from here it says "Move On", loud and clear, at least from what you have reported here. There are a million people out there willing WILLING to be available as a sponsor, and not as a parole officer or AA Police.
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Rob, I'd definitely be in the find a new sponsor camp.
My first sponsor was well intentioned but almost pushed me out of AA. He didn't mean to, but there it is. He's probably taken other guys through the steps and they work together famously. Just didn't work for me. In some ways, he sounds like your guy. We parted ways.
My second sponsor helped me embrace AA. He's a tough old cookie when he needs to be and he makes it clear that it's up to me to work the program. There's no drama in my guy. It's just practical and old fashioned AA spirituality.
I'd know the guy right from when I walked in the doors, but I just didn't have the nerve to ask him. He was right in front of my the whole time.
Well maybe I did not understand either why he was upset, but what got my attention was his comment....." I am your first life-line" Ego driven, and if it was about your not calling him, I recall many times when you have mentioned you could not get ahold of him.....so what about those times.....????
And like Joni said, he did this before when you were also feeling vulnerable....
Yes, we can always learn a lot about failed relationships.....but as someone pointed out, please dont let this change your sense of trust in the people of AA.....
In my last response to you, I mentioned that my Sponsor had up front a condition of if you drink, our relationship is over, but I accepted those terms, even welcomed them... but that is beside the point...
Just hold your head up high and ask around for a Temporary Sponsor, til you do some research and find someone that you will have better communications with.
My 2 cents ................
Toodles, Toni r
-- Edited by Just Toni on Saturday 22nd of May 2010 06:36:32 PM
Thanks Ya'll! Good ESH. It doesn't sting as much today...thanks to you guys and my wife's shoulder. I have a couple of guys in mind. Now I'm off to mow my lawn.
