Last night I completely broke down. The urge to get p$ss-drunk was there. I called my sponsor to talk. She was in the car with another sponsee who was practicing "primal scream therapy" (a "fun" tool we have used in the past, more for humor than anything else) from the safety of my sponsor's car. I was crying and trying to talk to my sponsor about what was going on, but E. kept shreaking in the background, knowing that my sponsor was on the phone with me! E. has been sober for 6 years, and in my mind, she "should have known better." My sponsor was telling her, "OKAY, that was good... that was fine", but she kept doing it. I decided that under the circumstances of my complete distress over my own load of crap, I would dismiss E's screaming. (ARGH)
Last night I spoke to my ex. He stated that he was going to seek custody of his oldest son (almost 15), and that he presumed a court battle would ensue. (My ex works 90 hours per week and has already stated and shown that he will NOT change that for anyone; he is a workaholic). He went on to explain (out of the blue?? lol) that he needed to save up enough money to put in escrow with an attorney to fly the son and his mother here from 1,000 miles away, prove he was financially competent, pay for attorney fees and court proceedings, etc. He has not even begun to take on the divorce process! We are still married legally, and he is dating someone else. He will probably end up paying some kind of spousal support for me, (he makes 6 figures), and I am not asking for much (less than 10% of his earnings, and only for the next 4 years!), but he is trying to con me.
My ex plays on my current low self-esteem and feelings of inferiority, expecting that I will just sign a dissolutionment (we have been married 6 years!), so he won't have to pay any spousal support or for my medical benefits until I graduate or regain my own benefits through work. I was seething inside, knowing that he was trying to gain pity from me about the money he would be putting out to gain custody of a son who will never see his father, who puts work before all else and always had (even when the boys are here on vacation!), and states that he always will work like that, period. I was seething, but remained extremely quiet. My ex also bought a puppy, which his girlfriend is now taking care of. (!)
Once I got off the phone, I broke down into a crying spell, and just felt overwhelmed. I called my sponsor who instructed me to stand my ground once my day in court comes, and to not allow myself to be manipulated. It is difficult. I am so easy to manipulate, because I still don't forgive myself for sporadic using behavior, even though in between 2 short relapses while married, I had been an awesome wife for years who took care of EVERYTHING in our life so ex could be gone all the time like he wanted to. My psychiatrist is a huge advocate for me, ever trying to keep me focused on MY NEEDS (none of which are greedy, unrelaistic or over-the-top) and what I am eligible for in a court of law.
My head spun. I thought about the lady I met at the funeral who was my mom's best friend yet sat at AA meetings next to me all those years, and we didn't even know it. She is my "missing link". I thought "I can't get in touch with her any time soon, I am too emotional to know about my mother at this time." Then it occurred to me, that we are not promised tomorrow, and what if I let that chance slip by? I would never forgive myself.
After talking to my sponsor I got down on my knees and asked God to take all this stuff, and for the strength and sanity to place it in His hands. I was utterly defeated. I got up from the floor and read the 12&12, on Steps 2 and 3. It helped me realize that even though I have believed there was a God all my life, I had not shown any kind of working faith, where I expected Him to handle the future for me instead of taking charge myself (and ruinging things). I also read about how a little fragment of simple willingness is a good start with Step 3, turning over our will and our lives to his care. I journalled about what is going on, and then opened my mind up and let my cares go, in faith.
Ex called again right after this, and stated he got a call from his son's mother, stating that she would not fight my ex in gaining custody, as she was the child of a mother who had been married 7 times, and knew what it was like for her and her siblings to grow up without their fathers. So in a roundabout way, I thought, "well, no need for him saving for a big long court custody battle now, right?" I can and will ask the courts for what I need. I will not be manipulated. I will ask (and get a good attorney to ask for me), and then will try to let go of my expectations. I know that no matter what happens God will provide for my needs. He always has and always will, in some way, if I am taking the action to care for myself. There is nothing wrong with my petitioning for support. So long as I do not set my expectations too high.
Wow, what a night. But a lot less exhausting when I stop fighting and start trusting.
-- Edited by jonijoni1 on Thursday 20th of May 2010 11:23:52 AM
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Joni! I can identify with your fellings of courts and kids and lawyers and battles etc.I have been divorced 2x and have 4 children.Fortunately and only thru the grace of God ,the only court battles I had was about court ordered child support during my first marriage,I was active and I would send money but sporadically so we went to court and Judge gave me ultimatum.My wife then moved out of state and it was no longer a court order(think its different today)My first wife was and is an excellent mother and basically raised my 40 year old children from about 12 years old on.She did have my kids nakmed changed to her next husbands and that was a trauma until my kids told me it really meant nothing they knew I was there father.We have since renewed our relationships after 31 years.When I finally learned to forgive myself and continue tostrive to be as God centered as I can humanely be,miracles started occurring,We are somebody! Stay God centered,use spiritual principles in all your affairs,continue to share from your heart,it frees your pain and things will turn out how your HP intended them for you.i FIRMLY BELIEVE THAT.Is it easy..No way, doable ,absolutely!I continually pray hard for all of our lives here thay are touched by lifes bombardments.We can choose to feel how we do about occuring situations.I always say "we teach people how to treat us"! Teach them how to treat you as someone trying to be the best you can be and everything your HP intended you to be. You are somebody,always remember that!
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Sorry you have to go through this, but dont know the statistics, but most divorces can get so.......fill in the blanks....so much ambivalence.....
Yes God will always Provide, and you will always be ok, that is for sure, , find a good tough attorney that can fight this fight for you....It is amazing that when you get that in order, it is their battle , and if possible takeS most of that drama out of this....if I recall correctly, when I did this twice in 12 years, the rules were NO Communications with the other spouse until the court settles it.
This way, you dont have to have conversations with anyone that knows how to push your buttons, so yesterday's banging your head on a wall out of frustration and anger, would not have been there......
Hope so much for you that this will be over in a short amount of time, and if you Keep your Sobriety in Front of everything, always, NO Matter What! It bothers me greatly to see you suffering, Sponsor??? Step 1, Step 3 and 4, you said you were working on a 4th Step.
Now I am rambling, and feel like maybe I should delete most of this as it is NOT my Business, just one sissy talking to another Veteran Sissy in the Divorce Dept....:) EDIT: Vetaran of Former Wars, tehe...
Toodles, and lots of Love to you.....just one day at a time, and one little foot in front of the other....thats all any of us can do....right...
Tonicakes
-- Edited by Just Toni on Thursday 20th of May 2010 06:07:26 PM
You're right, Joni - You'll be okay. You're on the right track and I am Thanking God that you're sober today. Again.
Let Go and Let God and all that Good Stuff. You know what to do.
So umm, yeah. Find yourself a NICE divorce lawyer. Find out who the last vicious, blood-thirsty battle-axe divorce lawyer was that BEAT them and hire THAT lawyer.
Joni...your ex sounds like a dick. More justification that you are doing the right thing by divorcing him. Of course I would say that since I'd be on your side no matter what here...
You ARE going to get to a much calmer and better place. If you need a break, email me your psychology homework and I will do it for you (That's CoDA in action for ya).
Hugs, Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
LOL Mark! I will let you read my papers (APA format, of course!) and analyze, how's that for mild to moderate CODA?
Thanks guys, being that I am USED to being a doormat now (YUCK! I hate admitting that!) - it is good to have validation.
There is a meeting around here where some tough AA's sit around on vintage cushy chairs and smoke cigars and discuss the 12&12.... lots of them are lawyers... maybe I'll get me a nice Cuban cigar and hit that meeting.... LOL
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
