STEP 1: We admitted we were powerless over our addiction, an that our lives had become unmanageable.
I just thought people could do this first step with me, so we all can join in.
My name is Tina and I am addict. I am addicted to drinking vodka, beer, smoking and to video games.
I am powerless over my addctions. I drink beer, when I don't want to because I crave it, like smoking. I want to feel good and be able to relax. I do not like dealing with reality, so I take these drugs to help me feel good inside. I crave smokes and I need drugs to help me deal with life. I am powerless because I never know, when and where I will do these drugs. I had 2 years clean and went right back to drinking. I am powerless.
My life is unmanageable because I spend money on booz and smokes, and I could use that money to buy other things, but I don't. I know smoking and drinking hurts my health, yet I keep right on smoking and drinking.
I tell myself one drink won't hurt, but then I end up buzzed and now I am am drinking 6-9 beers to get drunk, it never took me that much, so now I have to drink more, spend more money, to get the same feeling.
I play video games way too much, not that it is bad, but I tend to ignore cleaning my house, hanging out with people, or eating, because i am too busy playing.
What I come to realize is I am addict and that anything that makes me feel good, that gets me out of myself and makes me feel better inside I will do over and over again. I don't want to stop. I do want to stop, but at the time I am on my buzz I could care less about my health and the money I am spending, or the people I hurt because they worry I will die, if I keep this up.
I pray to God I stay sober today as I only have one day at a time!
Also, if I shared the stories of my ex husband who died from drinking, or my ex boyfriend, this was a different guy I knew who drank 30 beers everyday. It would help people to see you don't want to end up like that, these people lives were sad man. One died and the other will to, if he keeps drinking like that. My ex spent most his life going, in and out of prison because of his drinking, then it killed him, when he got into a fight drunk and 3 guys who were drunk as well, beat him up and killed him. When I think of these people please God, let it inspire me to stop drinking. My child will never see her dad, she is sad and wants to see him, but now she will never be able to.
Hi Tina, Welcome. You are definitely in the right place. I was like you as well, but you did better than me because you have admitted your problem straight out. That is great because you are honest with yourself. God will help you when no else can. You need trust Him that he will do it. Get to a meeting. Read and apply the steps in the AA book. Try to get a good sponsor while you go to meetings. Remember HALT- hunger; anger; loneliness; tiredness. These are triggers.
Prayer, however feeble it might sound to you will always get help from God for you.
I pray that God will give you the strength to do the things necessary for you to stay clean and sober. I pray that God will give strength to you and child to be overcomers and be peaceful. "Come to me all of you who are heavily laden and burdened, I will give you rest." Take God up on that offer. Tell him you are heavily laden and you need rest. He will grant it. God loves His children and He waits for them to call in their hour of need.
Where I live the AA meetings are not good to go to. My mother went there because her boyfriend drank and she said is was not a good place. She said the people there were really low class and it's kind of dangerous down that way. My Grandma told me to stay away from the downtown meetings as well, but I never been there.
I used to go to AA meetings when I lived in Iowa. I live in IL now. I thought the AA meetings in Iowa were great.
I don't know where to go if the AA meetings are that bad down there, downtown.
I can read the AA book though and come here and talk with people.
I do get lonely because I am by myself all the time. I get tired a lot. I like to sleep and I get bored. I suffer from mental ilness and depression, panic attacks and mild delusions. I know I have to find something to do with my time.
I do study for my GED, sometimes, I do get online, read and watch TV. But I think I need to get out more and be with people. I am a very with drawn person. I do not get out much and I do not hang around people much.
But yes I do pray that God will help me before it's too late.
Aloha Tina...maybe just maybe a part of the answer to your prayer is finding MIP and the help it will give you. You understand clearly that the problem is you and the solution is with your HP and the program. I read your post as desperate. I understand desperate because that is how I also got into program and asked for help like you have here. I wasn't as clear headed about my condition then as you are now because I didn't know what the problem was or even what alcoholism was and then that is now the far past. I know that the problem is me and the only solution is God and AA.
Rather than just take other peoples' impressions about how a thing is (the meetings downtown) I suggest you check it out for yourself and maybe get in touch with another recovering woman in your area in program and have her guide you to the meetings she goes to.
Once clean and sober and attending to your recovery alot of your problems will find solutions. This is Miracles in Progress and you are one. Keep coming back make this a video game of your life and how you change it.
Tina, Welcome. From your post it sounds like your in the right place. We deal with a mental obession, physical compulsion and spiritual loss of values. We are mentally and bodily different from our fellows. We have a diesase that tells us we don't have one. It's cunning, baffling and powerful. Without help it's to much for us.
There is a solution, but it requires work on your part. AA is a program of action. I would suggest you go to the meetings in your area and lots of them. See for yourself what they're like. You will see a variety of people at meetings. It's a group of people who would not normally mix but share a common bond- a common problem and a common solution. Go to the meetings with an open mind and the willingness to take suggestions.
When I started this path, I had to stop giving reasons why I could not or should not attend AA.
When I started finding reasons why I wanted and how I could attend AA I started to get well.
It says in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous "If you want what we have and are willing to go to any lengths, then you are ready to take certain steps."
Only Tina can decide if she is ready to go to any lengths. If you are willing then it is time to stop making excuses and get active in AA.
Larry, -------------- "You know you're in recovery when everyone else sees a bum and you see a prospect!"
Welcome Tina! we are people who suffer in the grip of a continuing and progressive illness whose ends are always the same ,jails,instituions or death! Alcoholics Anonymous 1st step" We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable! We are here to share our experience ,strength and hope with each other and talk about what has and hasn't worked for us!I would definitely suggest making meetings,finding a sponsor and asking the God of your understanding for clarity of finding a program that will best help you.Please stick around and let us know how you are doing.We do this 'one day at a time"....
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Oh, and thanks for the welcomes, nice meeting all of you, waves!
What do you all think of N/A beer, is this good to drink, while trying to stay sober? It has no alcohol in it. I do like the taste of beer to. Would this cause me to want to continue to keep drinking?
I so want a drink right now. I have to stay sober today but my mind says I need a beer. I just need to get this drug out of my system. I still crave it.
When I lived with my ex he drank all the time, which did not help, then he made sure there was nothing in the house but beer to drink. He took my money, so I could not go out and get something to drink. For about 6 years I lived this way. I stayed clean for awhile, then he told me to get a beer for him. I had 2 years clean. I really felt like drinking, so I went to go outside, so I did not have to hand him a beer, he said get back here, so I did. He said get me this beer. I opened it and took a drink and been drinking ever since. I like to blame him. LOL. But he sure did not help. He knew I had a problem with drinking, so he made sure that is all I had to drink. I do not drink tap water because I don't know how clean it is. I only drink pure water from the store. He made sure I had no money to buy it. When I would wake up and was thirsty, all there was to drink was beer. To an addict, this was very nice for me. haha. Well, if all I have is beer to drink, then might as well drink it, so I did. Remember I could not get to a store and I had no money to buy anything, not even food.
I had 2 years clean from beer. After I got away from my ex people in my family told me I have a drinking problem.
Keeps telling myself, stay clean for today, stay clean. This is hard. I want to relax and get a buzz, because I am bored and want to have fun. I am alone and bored. I crave you beer, you help me when I am alone, and want to get a buzz.
Anyway I will check out these meetings and see if it is a good idea to go, or not. I can't tell my family, or they will get mad I went because they do not like the people, or where the place is located. I am 37 though, so I can go if I want to. My mom does not drink, but her boyfriend drank and used drugs, that is why she went.
I want a beer. LOL. My mind is like stuck right now. I want to get buzzed. I think now what do I do with my time? I know I could watch TV, read a book, or go outside, or study for school, but I can't seem to find anything fun to do. Nothing is as more fun as drinking a nice cold one. I know I can't because if I do I will drink a whole glass of 80 proof vodka and get wasted. I keep wanting more and more all the time. It's taking more to get me drunk to. I don't have the money to keep buying it.
Did I say I need a beer. Oh, God help.
-- Edited by aprilleaves on Tuesday 18th of May 2010 05:13:22 PM
Hey Tina! for me Non Alcoholic Beer is for non alcoholics.(you have to make that decsison) We talk of people .places and ,THINGS! Before I completely surrendered to 'the manifestation of the disease in all areas of my life I would go to the bar and just smoke and drink coke!Didn't work for me. The cravings will remain for awhile but it will get better.Projection of the "now whats " will also break you down if you don't get involved with recovery groups.(AA a good start)You know "you mean I can never drink again?,or how can I go to a party or concert?,I'll never be able to stay stopped ,what kind of life will I have.?.EXACTLY "YOU WILL HAVE A LIFE. This illness will eventually bring you to jails,institutions,deriliction or death, its just a matter of time.I would suggest finding a meeting,calling the helpline,examine yourself and find out if the "pain is starting to outweigh the pleasure. "You will have to want this and their is a solution.Believe me I know you dont want to hear this mess right now,but hopefully you are ready and if not ,when your done come on back.We always leave the light on!Continue sharing where your at as your pain shared is your pain lessened! Hope to see you again,Just for Today you don't need to pick up that drink,manage it in small chunks and it will get better.That is a promise...
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Hi Tina, I agree with Mike; for me N A Beer is for non alcoholics. Just to correct you; there is a small amount of alcohol in those drinks. For me, it's just replacing labels. Your mind will have leverage. I know this from personal experience. I tried the N A Beer, use to drink it by the six pack or more in one sitting. What did this tell me? The obession and compulsion was still there and I quickly went back to drinking.
As far as the people in your life not supporting meetings. The program of recovery is a selfish program. We need to get sober and recover regardless of who's supporting us or isn't supporting us. It's selfish because; if we don't stay sober we're no good to anyone. It's know of their business whether you go to meetings or not. You need to do this for YOU!
I'm going to be honest here; Jerry made a good suggestion- you have some other issues that need to be looked at. We all did when we came in AA. It sounds from your posts that you've been run by your family and significant others for a long time. The steps in AA will shed some light on these and a good sponsor will help sort some of this out.
I say this because I care and want you to get well. I hope you go to a meeting TODAY and find a same sex sponsor to help you navigate your way through sobriety.
I have been drinking again the last few days. I feel like I fail, but I will try again to stay sober. I have beer in the house. I am going to have to throw it out. Anyways I drank 5 beers and didn't get drunk, well it didn't feel like it, but I did drink. I feel ashamed. I messed up. I guess that fits into we are poweless over addictions.
I do see a therpist and she told me I am parnoid/Schizophrenia. I told my Grandma and she says she does not like people that lable others. She doesn't believe that is my problem, neither does my dad, so they think I am normal.
I read a pamplet she gave me about schizophrenia and it says most of them suffer from addcitions, like drinking and drugs, so my head was telling me it's ok to drink because you don't know what you are doing and because you have this illness. I went and drank some beer, feeling al-right about it because I was thinking I am mentally messed up, so I can drink beer now. LOL
I hear voices and so when I am trying to stop drinking, it's like I have to get past all the voices inside my head, telling me it's ok to drink. I do have a mental ilness, so that doesn't help me stay clean. I had 2 years clean and sober, so I can do it again, just not easy for me.
My Grandma told me if I don't buy beer, than I can't drink it. I am going to throw the rest of my beer out today and not buy anymore.
As far as the NA beer I don't think I can drink it. I will just want to get wasted. I don't know why I drink because 8 beers does not get me drunk, yet there I am trying to get buzzed, and then I end up with a headache. LOL. I am 5'5 100 lbs, so it should not take me the much to get wasted. The only thing that gets me wasted is vodka, half a glass, and the glass is big. I do not have any more vodka I drank it all, like a true addict.
Well I only have today, so again I pray I stay sober, then if i dump out my beer I will be sober, because I don't have any money to buy any more booze. Not for this month anyway.
-- Edited by aprilleaves on Friday 21st of May 2010 05:23:09 AM
Here is a funny story, though true, it might make you laugh. This happened along time ago. I told my friend I thought about taking my life, which no that is not funny, but check out what she did to me and she knew I have a drinking problem.
She said I am going to take you to a meeting, she called it Suicide Anonymous. So off to the meeting we go. I started talking about suicide for about 35 minutes, when someone got up and said this is not a speaker meeting. I said I am sorry whatever that means, but my friend over here, and I pointed to her, told me this is Suicide Anonymous and I didn't know there was a limit on how long I could talk. He said this is AA meeting. I said what is an AA meeting. He said it is for people trying to stay clean from alcohol, I said oh, and my friend is laughing and so is everyone else. I said she tricked me, that made people laugh.
So that is how I found out about AA meetings for the first time.
Tina, I'm glad you keep posting. Relapsing is part of the recovery process. Each time I relapsed after swearing off alcohol proved to me that I was powerless and couldn't do it myself. We each need to get to this point before recovery begins. That's why Step 1 says: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol that ours lives had become unmanageable. I can't comment on your medical condition- I'm not a medical professional. I would recommend that you be honest and tell your therapist that you have a problem with alcohol if you haven't already done so.
I love the story about your friend bringing you to a meeting. It shows that others believe there's a problem. To me; this is god working in your life. He knows what you need and works through people.
I hope you get honest with yourself soon and commit to a program of action- AA.
