Disclaimer: This is not my writing but it is interesting and as an Alcoholic I can identify with it.
Larry, -------------------
The Alcoholic And Perfectionism
The alcoholic tries to over-compensate for their low self-esteem and self-worth by trying to be a perfectionist and will often demand perfectionism from everyone around them as well. Naturally, this is an impossible goal for anyone to achieve, so the alcoholic will constantly criticize others for not being perfect. Of course, theyll always have great excuses for why they failed to be perfect. Ironically, once theyre in treatment and along the path of recovery, most alcoholics are very good at whatever occupation they pursue, and this is due to a combination of both natural talent and the perfectionist streak in them.
You know what was interesting, I was talking to a therapist a few years ago about how good I was at my profession, which is INCREDIBLY dangerous, the second most dangerous profession in the country, and the only jobs I took were the ones too large and too dangerous for "normal" climbers, and that's how I made my money and she said something interesting that stuck with me.
She said, "ANdrew, you work so hard in order to prove yourself because of low self esteem, you work long hours and dangerous jobs to feel good about yourself, this is what it means by learning to be a worker among workers, to not kill yourself (in my case literally) to prove yourself", and she asked, "can you be comfortable just doing an honest day work for an honest days wages?"
This was after a decade and a half working the steps, doing therapy, working on myself, and my sponsors, therapists, and psychriatrist and I had all completely missed this.
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Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a night, light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
" Louisa, tell me, what's so wrong with being average?"
Those words have stayed with me and help me keep myself in check when I go down the path of perfectionism. xx
There it is
One of the biggest gifts AA has given me is the ability to be "average" and "normal" for someone who spent his entire life on the outside looking in this was a priceless gift, how did Bill put it, feeling like we were an actor on a stage suddenly not being able to remember any of their lines?
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Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a night, light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
I related to that too even though I am not an alcoholic.
Perfection is what I strove for because then maybe just maybe he would stop drinking and drugging if I was the perfect wife. Only when we both failed to reach that perfection it was not him I criticized, but me. I was the failure because he continued to drink and therefore was not good enough.
The lies we tell ourselves in the midst of this horrible disease are some of the most harmful and outrageous things I have ever heard.
Only through the program and working the steps was I able to see that my expectations of me were far from realistic.
Thank God the steps were there to show me that me doing the best I can is all I really need to strive for. That is a goal I can reach.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
My wife and I were talking about this just last night. I was telling her that today I strive to be average. I no longer have the desire to change the world, or solve everyone else's problems. Today I'm happy with being average, and I have God and AA to thank for that!
Makes sense. I once read that people with anxiety disorders make GREAT employees, too.
I TOTALLY get the "expecting perfection from others" bit. I used to be that a-hole in the organization who complained about the next person on the line 'not giving a damn'.
It's taken many meditations on humility to realize that most people, at any given moment, are doing their best. Even me.
Went to a CoDA meeting where this was the topic. I recognize this post from To the Emloyer I believe... I am perfectionistic to the point that I don't challenge myself at work because I don't want a job where I might fail and not have a shot at being perfect...so lame.
Edit...I do a job beneath me in a sense because I do it well...but I try and do it perfectly rather than go after a risky higher position that I might not be good at.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Thursday 20th of May 2010 01:32:39 PM
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