I am 29 years old. I drink to the point of blacking out regularly. It is these blackouts that have terrified me, as I become violent or other things happen to me that are very bad.
I am terrified. I have come to accept Step 1. But I am having a really hard time "surrendering".
Right now, I am reading the literature, and tonight, I am going to my third meeting. It is overwhelming.
I have a lot of trauma issues and PTSD and the alcohol worsens this, but also, is part of it. Shocking, really, how much alcohol is woven through the trauma of my past-- grew up in an alcoholic, and abusive family, went on to be married to an alcoholic man, and our relationship ended as violently. Alcohol causing violence, causing PTSD and trauma, causing the need to drink to escape, causing more violence and trauma... now my ex-husband is gone, and I have a chance to live a life without violence, I see that if I am going to do so, alcohol can have no part, because I am as violent, shamefully, as he is. (Except he was always stronger than me.)
It's difficult to stay sober. I had no idea how strong the need to drink would be and I keep praying to God to give me the strength, because I am afraid if I continue to drink like I have been drinking, I am going to die. Or hurt someone. I have already hurt myself beyond reason.
Last time I drank, I trashed my house in a black-out.
Welcome, keep coming back, please, keep us updated
Do what they tell you at meetings, 90 in 90, get a sponsor, work the steps out of the book with someone who has worked the steps out of the book with someone...and so on, take commitments, surround yourself with sober support, immerse yourself in this thing and there is a way out
You never have to drink again
Know that as of today:
There is no future, there is no past. The only thing that exists is this moment, and your happiness is dependant on what you do with it.
-- Edited by AGO on Saturday 8th of May 2010 04:49:44 PM
__________________
Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a night, light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
You've come to the right place. Keep coming back. I see that you're from BC (I'm from there originally). You've got very strong AA out there, with zillions of meetings and clubs, even in small towns, which is great. Like AGO says, you never HAVE to drink again.
Welcome Little Lost(now found) I would suggest making meetings,listen to suggestions ,listen for a sponsor,get Big Book and other literature.See if they need a coffee maker or set up person,greeter etc,By helping others we help ourselves.Thats how we work it.Congratulations on 9 days,no small feat.I also would drink to blackout ,wake up in another state,literally,not have a clue what happened and all I could think about was getting a drink to stop my head from splitting and my body from shaking.You will learn a new way of life and you don't have to ever drink Ethanol again!Your surrendering will be enforced by really understanding your powerlessness and you can fill the void by working step 2. Restoration ,changing to the point where alcohol and its accompanying insanity no longer control your life,can begin by your "coming to believe"that(not in) a Power"greater than yourself could restore you to sanity/The "could" meaning doing some work.Glad you found us,let us know how you are doing......
__________________
Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Welcome littlelost!I have been here and AA about a month and have a little over 90 days sober.I just want to let you know IT WORKS.Its not easy but it works.You will get all the support you need at meetings and in this room as long as you are seeking it.
Congrats on the 9 days.Keep coming back.
__________________
And sometimes to help them we have got to help ourselves. - SRV
Here's a big wave to you from across the San Juan Straight.
"I had no idea how strong the need to drink would be". In my first weeks of sobriety, nearly a year ago now, I used this to remind me exactly that I did need to continue to be sober. Before I got to AA I didn't know I was drinking alcoholically, I was just concerned about my drinking. I drank mostly like all those around me did. That obssesion, craving, or overwhelming urge let me know that this was for real.
I can tell you with total certainly that if you follow the advice above you will begin to live a happy and free life. This is what has happend for me, I could not have imagined it and I'm so grateful I was able to follow the suggestions of those who walked before me. It was in no way on my own, because I had tried to do that over and over before, without success. Even if I had been able to quit drinking on my own, I believe today that AA has given me the tools to navigate life, so that it is anxiety-free and a lot of fun.
You are unique and special individual, but the sickness of drinking is essentially the same for all of us. Keep coming back to this site; it saved me from myself and now I love myself and look forward to time awake, clear and sober.
Sincerely, Angela
-- Edited by angelov8 on Saturday 8th of May 2010 08:22:58 PM
Aloha Littlelost...You could have wrote my journal cause that is what I thought, said and did and then discovered after I stopped drinking also. I'm glad you are safe from the violent partner and how you have to get safe from yourself. Starting is not easy because there are things to learn that you don't have a clue about at all and there are things to practice that are not normal for you yet; the slogans, steps, traditions and suggestions. You've got 9 days...awesome!! You got those one at a time and the rest of your recovery must come that way too.
I also had to learn a new refusal language to keep alcohol away from me. "No thanks I'm allergic" was one..."No thanks, I've had enough" was another..."No thanks, If I drink that you'll end up not liking me or what I do" was another. Learn abunch of these truths and keep practicing them. When you're by yourself memorize the phone numbers of a sponsor and other supportive women in the program and before you drink call em. Also if you have a 24 hour chip...put that under your tongue and keep it there...went it melts you can have a drink.
Welcome littlelost! You have found a great place in this forum. Please take everyone's advice and get to meetings often. Staying sober is not just about stopping something, it's about action and doing something different. Sobriety is not passive, it is an active process. When we are passive and simply try to "stop", we drink again and face more chaos and consequences. But when we become active and follow suggestions from those who have gone before us and achieved sobriety and real happiness, we achieve these things too.
Take care and please keep coming back!
Joni
__________________
~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
