Tonight, I let to let go of someone in my life that I love very much, and I had to do that for me.
Over the past few months Ive given my all to someone who meant the world to me.
So much so that I started to neglect my children, my responsibilities. and taking care of me, mentally and emotionally and spiritually.
Plans started out slowly for the future, re being together on a full time basis, and I knew it would be 20 some months before that happened.
We wanted that to be sooner--so being a go getter, and maker of things happen. I talked to my kids, my closest freinds, my bank--put my business up for sale--and was ready to go for it.
I borrowed 7 thousand dollars to pay for a university course which is over half completed, and guaranteed me a job in the addiction feild, but only in the place I was moving too. There is no call for jobs in this feild where I live now, because of government cutbacks.
I started flying round trip to be with the one I loved--started out at a reasonable 250 dollars round trip--parking at airport 45 a week-spending money-couple hundred dollars.
Airplane rates went up to over double, in the last few months.
My business wasnt covering bills with people running it--so Ide fly home and work my butt off--to try to catch up bills and find the money to fly once more, to spend time with the girl I love.
Used a buddies credit card for flying--today I owe him 1800 dollars
I owe the bank 23 grand--I have garage bills comming out my ears. Responibilities for a house neglected--children neglected--even tho they are quite capable of taking care of themselves-I have not been around much to watch over them and be as good a parent as I am capable of being.
I coulda pulled it all off-within the next 3 months--not quite full time with my love, for a while, but a good part of it.
I was pulling up stakes--leaving the province-getting a job where my loved one is--pulling money out of a couple investments in the fall, to help pay my own bills and pay for part of my loved ones responsibilities as well. And likely selling the business as well.
Well-yu know what happened? Phil ran outa gas.
The stress and everything got to him on the last trip--no money left in the bank, and relying on what the business brought in, with employees while he was away, to cover his expenses, and bills till he returned once more to work his butt off--for 2 more weeks-so he could return to be with the girl he loved, once more.
Phil reacted a week ago tonight,to the closest person in his life, and the stress and worry all came to a head, in the form of insane anger. The one he loved.
Things were said to her, she didnt deserve. Hurtful things--blaming things-destructive things.
And the shit hit the fan, where Phil lost all control, and all the stress and worry came pouring out, in a blaze of destruction.
But would Phil sit down with her, prior to that happening and be completely honest with her about things? No he didnt--because he didnt want to let her down.
He couldnt just sit down with her and tell her that it could be a number of months yet before their dream would come true. That Phil and responsibilities that werent fully being taken care of, had to come first.
So what happened when Phil came to a dead end mentally and emotionally from pure exhaustion? And blew his stack, and completely lost all control?
He lost the girl he loved. He lost the dream they had together. And He lost Phil.
Now he sits alone in a big house being rigorously honest with himself and this board, and wonders why the girl he loves cant forgive him for the harsh hurtful words that he bestowed upon her. Anger that she didnt deserve. She just happened to be there.
Is it any wonder?
Now Phil starts over once more--AA meetings--AA basics-and maybe with Gods help can get a few things right.
Anyone to blame for all this.? Just the man in the glass. Just the man in the glass.
I just know that because of trying too hard, and not keeping things simple, and being in a big hurry to make a dream come true, and not being completely honest with the person he adored,--Phil just blew part of his life to smitherines, and he did it sober.
Maybe theres a message in all this for others. I dont know.
All the best to each and every one of you with love.
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Easy Does it..Keep It Simple..Let Go and Let God..
You dear, sweet man. My heart is breaking for you. I wish there was something I could say that would ease your pain....... You and your love are in my prayers tonight. Say a prayer for yourself and for your love, for God does grant the true desires of your heart.
Phil, Yes, there is a message in this for others. The only thing we own is our part in anything, and you have owned it. But please don't beat yourself up over this, you are only human. I think your wife played a big part also, it is never a one way street. You had to try, if you hadn't you would have always wondered, what could have been, what might have been...
I am praying for you as I know you are praying for me.Keep going to meetings, meetings and more meetings, we know where there is strength. Again, I'm so glad you are back.
I have a new keyboard and I have realised that letting go gets a lot tougher when its time to replace something. I spent the last few days thinking, "Ok, I am a bit limited...can't communicate real well, but there is a lovely new keyboard coming. It will be ok." Today it arrived...and it feels real weird. I realise how comfortable the other one was... I have had to rearrange my desk also, as there is no mouse connection on this keyboard, so everything feels pretty different...dunno where to put my hands...keep making mistakes with it...as it functions differently to what I'm used to...keys are softer or something. Everything feels real unfamiliar. I mention this because what I'm dealing with, like most things in life, is a change. We can have no change without conflict. Some folks are good at conflict...most folks are not.
It sounds as if things really did need to change in this relationship Phil. You seem to have been with-holding so much of yourself...not just your potential to explode (that I relate to totally)...but also aspects of your finances, family, work, recovery...your life commitments. To share a life, these things need to come to the fore. When we hide them, they have a way of sneaking back up on us.
You mention her unwillingness to forgive you. I honestly doubt you or anyone other than her, can measure that. Fear is the only thing that thwarts forgiveness. Forgiveness comes after amends. Put simply - maybe you do need to restore order in your own world, to begin that amends process?... but she clearly did not fall in love with a stressed out, maniacal runaway. ..And quite honestly, I imagine the idea of falling into love with one, would be quite off putting. She will not however, have forgotten the man she DID fall in love with. The gentle, generous, caring soul that you are.
We can not deny our own potential. My potential to turn into the person you have described is so very real, given the conditions. The moment I overload myself, the journey to insanity begins. I am a strong personality. I insist I am coping, only to continue lumping more responsibilities and commitments on myself, to find I am just making a mess of all aspects in my life. This is normal behaviour for me - so I have to stay aware of it, and give my friends permission to help me stay aware of it. It is easy for me to follow my interests and add them to my life load. I need my friends to remind me when its all getting a bit too much for one greedy person.
As single people, we fill voids. We commit to things and add things to fill the emotional gap...sports, work, hobbies, friends, whatever... we fill our life with them, so we won't feel so abstract or lonely. Then after a period of time, we re-enter a relationship - however- we forget that we have already filled the space marked 'personal relationship' with other forms of attachment. And usually, it is only a short period of time before we fall into a screaming heap. Very normal.
It may not seem so, right now, but I assure you this reality check was a good thing. Both you and your partner needed to experience the limitations or boundaries of each others personal giving. Because until now, there clearly were none. At least not on your part. Had the relationship continued as it was going - with a complete surrender of self on your part - you would have surely ended up drinking, taking you as far from the person she fell in love with, as it would ever be possible to imagine.
Nor can I allow you to be so egotistical as to suggest, that you are letting her go 'for you'.
Phil - I say to you, as your friend, that you, by your own admission, have wronged. Your lack of honesty with yourself, your friends (including us on the board) and your partner is obvious. As yet, the costs can't yet be counted in full...because you still have the opportunity to make amends. To make amends in this situation 'for you' requires that she be part of them. Even if at first, this is in a small part.
The journey ahead may not appear simple, but it is manageable. I encourage you to make your amends in your world, by starting with you (restore your faith and sense of self) and begin working outwards from you...to your work, family, friends etc. Entering a relationship involves some restructuring...learning to apply differing priorities and considerations...crossing some new bridges... and discerning which ones no longer serve us. You still have the opportunity to effect this restructuring. Some of this we do as individuals in the relationship, some of it we do together, but ultimately we cannot lose sight of the totally loveable person in ourselves who entered the relationship in the first place. AA will help re-introduce you to that person.
Again, as your friend... it is not ok though, for you to simply run to the haven of AA and turn your back on what life has offered you in sobriety. This woman is your friend. We do not begin our amends by burning bridges. Bridge burning is not progressive. Love is not something we have a lot of control over, however we can direct it purposefully and consciously. Offer this woman the same friendship you have been offered...the friendship that AA has shared with you... Acceptance, understanding and encouragement. These are the qualities of love that endure...AA teaches us this.
I hope you are not offended by my straight talk - by now, I think you would expect nothing less from me. I sincerely trust that you will see my contact as love laden and supportive. I want only to see you living in your potential, and honestly believe you are a genuine, honest and good hearted guy. You are both loving and totally loveable. The moment you remember that, so will others begin to recognise it again.
Sending you a smile, backed with total faith in you and what you're made of.
you are still blaming yourself entirely which I don't agree with...I seem to remember a fence in all of this. I also see what everyone else sees a kind warm generous man who wants to be loved....and chases love where it can not be found.
You are right it is time for you to be honest with yourself and to put your love in better investments ie children and the members of the board as well as thoes around you who have tried to love you...yet you egnored.
time that Phil realizes that he is worth living for and to work on that void that tells you otherwise. you are worth it and you are loved and wanted right here...
you helped me throught the worst time of my life and i will always be indebted to you. my life would not be what it is today if it weren't for your imput on the board. You gave me something to wake-up for and to. I would pop in during the day to see your replies and took me out of me. but you know what i learned that i had to get up for me and what's done is done and if i focused on today and my most pressing matters i would be alright. and i am.
Phil none of us are perfect and believe me I am far from it but in my experience beating myself up for things I have apologised for is pointless. and putting all the blame on yourself to me is utterly absurd...
I love you...and you have a friend for life buddy...what ever you need...
So sorry to hear that Phil, I can't offer any advice as thats something outside my experience.
Not being a believer in the conventional God all I can say is get back to work and get those debts repaid! Owing money is a big cause of stress so the sooner it's sorted the better.
MY thoughts and prayers ( to my idea of what cod is ) go to you tonight.
Goodnight Phil.
Keep us updated mate.
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"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music." -- Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989"
