Need a bit of advice

tblack1 · Newbie

Need a bit of advice

Oblong · Veteran Member

I'm gonna leave this one to the more experienced folks.

Larry_H · MIP Old Timer

Tblack

The sad but true part is that unless he wants help you probably cannot do anything for him.   The second sad truth is that if he is one of us it will get worse, a lot worse
unless he stops.

Two places I can think of that will get you the information you need to understand what is happening.

1. Alanon,   It is an organization devoted to relatives, loved ones and friends of alcoholics. You can find the phone number in the phone book. Give them a call
and go to a meeting. They can help you.

2. Open meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. We have two basic kinds of meetings.
Open and closed. Closed meeting are for anyone that has a desire to stop drinking.
Open meetings anyone can attend. I have brought my wife, my son, my daughter inlaw, and my grandson to open meetings. We are a friendly group and would answer any questions you might have.  The AA number is in the phone book. Just
call and tell them you would like to find an open meeting.

Larry,
-----------------
Drinking didn't drown my problems, it irrigated them

SteveP · MIP Old Timer

Hi there, welcome.

You're going to get some great advice from some good old timers on here. (EDIT: posted just as I guess that Larry H was posting - he's one of the ones that I was thinking of. )

One thing that anyone who is dealing with an alkie needs to appreciate is that they, like us alkies, are powerless over alcohol. What it means is that nobody can stop an alkie from drinking.

Now that sounds a bit glum, but it's the fact of life with regard to alcoholics.

On a more positive note until some old timers can wade in with their experience on this, you might like to read this chapter from the AA Big Book, which was intended for people in exactly your situation.

Some health warnings: it's called "To Wives" and the language re: a woman's role is very outmoded by today's more progressive standards. In fact, it pisses some women in our Fellowship off. But try not to let that put you off. it still has some kernels of advice and truth.

http://www.n2recovery.com/08.html

It was written by the person who started Al-Anon, which is a counterpart fellowship to AA, for people whose lives have been affected by an alcoholic. I believe that they have a site on here as well.

Anyway, all the best.

Steve

-- Edited by SteveP on Wednesday 5th of May 2010 02:30:26 PM

slugcat · Senior Member

hiya i recommend checking out the Alanon message board on this site and posting there also. Alanon is for people who are concerned about someone elses drinking, or if someone elses drinking has effected, is effecting you. and its very helpful u will get some good advice over there.

I am in AA myself but my husbands drinking does concerns me, well sometimes its ok sometimes its not. It is a real mind fk. Like really upsetting. but i cant control him or the drink i am totally powerless over it. i cant make him stop or do what i want. all i do is focus on me and being the best me i can.

alanon has been very helpful the few meetings ive gone have helped me a lot, like i heard the 3 Cs. i didnt cause it, i cant control it, i cant cure it.
It has helped because i really thought there must be something i could do to fix people, get them to stop self destructive behaviour, fix husbands drinking, fix someone elses overeating that is killing them, make it all ok, if only i tried harder, nagged more, said it differently, did this or that, got them this book or tape, sent them this or that etc etc. but i cant compel them to stop what they are doing and the best i can do is focus on me and my life, my interests etc not all my energy on the other person. hearing those 3 Cs was like a weight off my shoulders, i really was trying to carry the whole damn world.

i am not the best person for advice, but i do think Alanon is really supportive and has some great advice if u check out those boards also. tc x

-- Edited by slugcat on Wednesday 5th of May 2010 03:32:09 PM

tblack1 · Newbie

Thank you for all the messages and advice. I will definitely look into attending one of the upcoming al-anon meetings, I've actually considered attending off and on for a while now. And will also look into possibly attending one of the open AA meetings.

Thanks again,

~ T

Ellen E · Senior Member

You mentioned that your husband "has been through an AA program". We're actually never "through" with it. It's a lifelong process. Today is my 25th anniversary of sobriety and I still need it. People I've met in the program who have 50 and more years still need it. We're never through with it.

But he has to want it. You can't talk him sober, yell him sober, or threaten him sober. A whole lot of alcoholics, myself included, have walked away from kids, marriages, relationships, friendships, jobs, parents and extended families who couldn't handle our drinking and tried to talk us out of it, threaten us out of it and leave us because of it. All you can do is go to Alanon and take the best care of yourself that you can. Maybe by doing that, you'll see him come to the point where he wants it. But he has to want it for himself, not for anyone or anything else.

Good luck and I'm really glad you're willing to try Alanon. Good for you! Too often people near to alcoholics don't understand the need for it for themselves.

Ooops, boyfriend, not husband. My mistake.

-- Edited by Ellen E on Wednesday 5th of May 2010 05:52:43 PM

Aquaman · MIP Old Timer

Al-Anon is all you can do. You can learn skills and measures to help you understand your role in his life, his role in your life and your limits.

You asked for advice, so I'll dare throwing some out there.

Once upon a time a woman was driving along a dark road at night and happen to run over a rattlesnake's tail. She felt badly, so she went back and slowly approached the wounded snake. It welcomed her touch and she picked it up and put it on the front seat of her car to drive it to the vet. During the drive, the rattlesnake crawled over and curled up against her leg, warming it's wounded self against her. After a while she reached the vet and while reaching down to pick up the rattler it bit, burying both fangs into her wrist and filling her with venom. She was shocked! She ran into the vet's office and told her story while the vet team applied first aid and called an ambulance.
"Why?", she asked the vet, "Why did he let me help him and then bite me?"
The vet just looked at her ans said "That's what they do."

Peace,
Rob

Larry_H · MIP Old Timer

Aquaman wrote:

Al-Anon is all you can do. You can learn skills and measures to help you understand your role in his life, his role in your life and your limits.

You asked for advice, so I'll dare throwing some out there.

Once upon a time a woman was driving along a dark road at night and happen to run over a rattlesnake's tail. She felt badly, so she went back and slowly approached the wounded snake. It welcomed her touch and she picked it up and put it on the front seat of her car to drive it to the vet. During the drive, the rattlesnake crawled over and curled up against her leg, warming it's wounded self against her. After a while she reached the vet and while reaching down to pick up the rattler it bit, burying both fangs into her wrist and filling her with venom. She was shocked! She ran into the vet's office and told her story while the vet team applied first aid and called an ambulance.
"Why?", she asked the vet, "Why did he let me help him and then bite me?"
The vet just looked at her ans said "That's what they do."

Peace,
Rob

Rob,

I like the rattle snake story. It is a great analogy to an active alcoholic

Larry,
----------------
Active alcoholics don't have relationships; they take hostages

SteveP · MIP Old Timer

Larry_H wrote:

Aquaman wrote:

Al-Anon is all you can do. You can learn skills and measures to help you understand your role in his life, his role in your life and your limits.

You asked for advice, so I'll dare throwing some out there.

Once upon a time a woman was driving along a dark road at night and happen to run over a rattlesnake's tail. She felt badly, so she went back and slowly approached the wounded snake. It welcomed her touch and she picked it up and put it on the front seat of her car to drive it to the vet. During the drive, the rattlesnake crawled over and curled up against her leg, warming it's wounded self against her. After a while she reached the vet and while reaching down to pick up the rattler it bit, burying both fangs into her wrist and filling her with venom. She was shocked! She ran into the vet's office and told her story while the vet team applied first aid and called an ambulance.
"Why?", she asked the vet, "Why did he let me help him and then bite me?"
The vet just looked at her ans said "That's what they do."

Peace,
Rob

Rob,

I like the rattle snake story. It is a great analogy to an active alcoholic

Larry,
----------------
Active alcoholics don't have relationships; they take hostages

Aye. When I was really early in and had done a lot of talk by not much action, I'd slipped and had four beers. My wife said to me, "I just don't understand why you would want to do that after everything you've said and what doing that has done to you."

Just like the Big Book says, I didn't understand why either. I had NO idea why I had done that. Only now I know that that is what a person with an alcoholic mind DOES. Nobody, not even her, and certainly not myself, could have stopped me from doing that. If I make AA my number 1 priority in life,. above even breathing if necessary and work the AA program everyday, even if a meteor hits my house (or especially then), then I won't ever do that again. BUT I now know that even only I can choose to work the AA program.

theblack1, Al-Anon will put you into contact with loving folks who have been in the position my wife and you will learn how to deal with *your* life to be happy, joyous and free.

All the best. :)

Steve

bikerbill · MIP Old Timer

Aquaman wrote:

Once upon a time a woman was driving along a dark road at night and happen to run over a rattlesnake's tail. She felt badly, so she went back and slowly approached the wounded snake. It welcomed her touch and she picked it up and put it on the front seat of her car to drive it to the vet. During the drive, the rattlesnake crawled over and curled up against her leg, warming it's wounded self against her. After a while she reached the vet and while reaching down to pick up the rattler it bit, burying both fangs into her wrist and filling her with venom. She was shocked! She ran into the vet's office and told her story while the vet team applied first aid and called an ambulance.
"Why?", she asked the vet, "Why did he let me help him and then bite me?"
The vet just looked at her ans said "That's what they do."

Peace,
Rob

I smiled on many levels reading that. There is an advert over here for a cheap and nasty wine called Lambrini - featuring a stoopid signature dance - and the music is - I can't remember the name - Take me in Oh tender woman, which is the musical version of the snake story above. Ironic huh?

Mandy123 · Member

Tblack,

I am a grateful memeber of the workd wide fellowship of Al-anon and we would be most happy to welcome you to the family.

We have a board here on MIP much like this one, but for those of us who have alcoholic/addict loved ones.

Someone here shared the 3 C's and I found those very helpful. It helped me see that I had no part in his disease, but there is a 4th C.....we sure can contribute to the disease.

Al-anon helped me take the focus off of my now ex Alcoholic/Addict husband and put the focus right where it needs to be ON ME! One of my most favorite Al-anon tools is a hula hoop. I fun kids toy with a very valuable lesson inside if you just look at it that way. Imagine yourself in a hula hoop. Everything in that hula hoop is yours to control. Everthing outside of that hula hoop is not yours. I tried as hard as I could to get my ex husband in that hula hoop with me, but it just didn't work ;).

We learn to detach with love and stop trying to talk to them. I know for me trying to talk to my ex about his drinking and drugging was pointless I might as well have been talking to a wall. And you know what? He was going to do what he was going to do wether I siad anything or not....and not saying anything was a whole lot healthier for me and helped me not contribute to his addiction.

Many of us come into Al-anon hoping to find a way to fix our loved ones, but in Al-anon we can see how this disease has affected us and how we need to change. I was the one made as heck and slamming the doors and cupboards while my ex was happily sleeping it off on the couch...the kids thought I was nuts and they were right. I don't have to be that way and today with the tools I choose not to.

The Al-anon board here is full of year and years of Experience, Strength and Hope and it's all yours for the taking.

Hope to see you there.

Yours in recovery,
Mandy

janet · Senior Member

tblack1 wrote:

Well, really not sure if this is the best place... or not, but I'm needing a bit of advice.

My boyfriend is a recovering alcoholic and has been through an AA program within the last 2 years (before I met him).

When I first met him he was also smoking (cigerates) as well as drinking it was like the two went together for him.

Anyway, he has since quite smoking well for a good year now. But has continued to drink.

Almost always on weekends, which ok I'm pretty laid back cause of course I love to have a drink or two after a hard work week. But a whole case of beer in one evening...?? Sometimes even going back to the liquor store for more although very rarely.

I've sat and talked to him about it a while back, expressing my concerns... I come from a broken family because of alcoholism and didn't/don't want that in my relationship.

So now it varies, he's quit all together, he's only drank a few, but from time to time he still goes and gets a case... and drinks the whole thing in one night.

I just more or less wanted to get an idea of... is this a common thing? should I talk to him again about it? His excessive drinking has caused more then one argument which for me getting frusterated and walking away and well bringing my frustrations to work which also isn't good.

There really is more to this for him, stress, issues at work, and potentially issues with me. Anyway any and all advice is greatly appreciated.
~ T

Hi,T.

I only know that as an alcoholic I used to go on binges. "Binge Drinking," it is sometimes called. An AA quote,"One drink is too many and 1,000 is not enough." For me, one drink triggered a monsterous craving for more and more and I could not make myself stop, until I was totally blitzed,or passed out. What a job it was for me to keep it together. Sometimes, I'd be sucessful at having a couple of drinks and was very relieved and happy it went well (that time,) but it was just a matter of time,before I'd be drinking heavily again.
If your boyfriend is an alcoholic he needs to admit it,and get help for himself. He has to want it/ "want to want to" at least.
There is nothing you can do,except maybe talk to him, when he is sober and probably remorseful. Al-Anon is very good for helping people like you, and so are open AA meetings. This is a family/partnership,significant others,etc. sickness,because you too are being affected by it.
Badgering him over his drinking,and being resentful does not help,either of you. When I got badgered by my abusive husband (who drinks also,and I am going to divorce) I would drink for the spite of it then, or rather drink at him.

I think, the main point is that he needs to realise he is in trouble. Stress is often an excuse to drink.Depression often comes with the drinking...before, and especially after.

Focus more on taking care of yourself,or you might wind up as I am also (co-dependent) i.e. a person who is attached to the alcoholic and helps him continue in his drinking by covering up for him,etc. over and over,which eventually can make you as sick as he is, except without the alcoholism. Thus the term: co-dependent. He depends on you, while you depend on taking care of things for him to keep things going somewhat smoothly. Finally, it is such a terrible habit,that it will often comsume you, which is very unhealthy for the both of you.
My very best to you. Remember, It is not your fault.

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Tblack1, a question for you. Coming from an alcoholic home, and one that you said was split up, why did you choose an alcholic (he did AA and treatment right?) to be in a relationship with, and secondly, why are you arguing with him about his drinking? I mean he was drinking before he met you, it what he does, until he decides to do otherwise. You've expressed your opinion about it, why not move on and find a non-alcoholic to be in a serious relationship with? In my opinion, you're setting yourself up (and him) for failure filled, perhaps, with decades of heartache and grief, not to mention the welfare of future children with this man. What part of "the guy is an practicing alcohoiic" do you not get?
I'm not trying to be difficult here, just pointing out the lack of rational thought and planning on your part. Drinking is his problem, and chosing him to be your boyfriend is your problem. Solve Your problem.

Al-anon is a good program, but imo, they don't talk to much about ending the relationship. Codependents anonymous program does. http://www.codependents.org/ The odds are slim (1 in 20) that your boyfriend is going to get sober. The odds are very good, given that he's already been to AA and treatment, and drinking a case a beer in one sitting, that his drinking is going to get worse. Do you feel lucky? Do you want to bet your children's future on it?

-- Edited by StPeteDean on Sunday 9th of May 2010 10:50:06 AM