Well, I'm on my 2nd cup of tea, and just trying to get my mind in gear this morning. It's been a very long week-end.I had two jobs this week of house,yard ,and cat sitting. At one of the houses the roof was being replaced, very noisy, and the cat's were not happy at all, scared to go in or out, just not good.I felt very sorry for the cats. The roofing was completed yesterday, thank God.
Once when I came to my house to check messages and do a few things, I saw my husband,found out he was arrested early Sat. morning for P.I., he spent 7 hours in jail and will appear before the judge Aug. 2nd. Sooooo he spent Sat. and Sun. locked in his house with many bottles of whiskey and a lot of beer, no air-conditioning, and 100 degree weather outside, no windows open either.I checked on him occasionally, saw him for just a moment this morning and much to his dispair he is still alive.This really breaks my heart, I've been there, done the same thing, tried to drink myself to death and woke up anyway, just had to face life with a hell of a hang-over and a little more damage to the body and the brain-cells.
I called people in the program and ask them to pray for him, and I think maybe one came by, but my husband wouldn't let him in.I just have to detach with love, I wanted to load him up in my car and take him to the hospital or to a treatment center but this has been done many, many times and he just gets angry. I am trying to stay out of God's way in this. I think he will probably be send to prison, they might send him to a 2 year half-way house down south.
"Chapter 5 " How It Works" Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest."
I can accept that the above may be my husband, after 18 years of him being in and out of the program, I feel this may be the case.I wish he was not so full of anger and hatered and we could just live our lifes together on lifes terms. But that is not the case. So today, I pray for God's will for his life, I place him in God's hands, I ask that He would give him peace, that he would feel God's presence, feel His loving, strong arms around him and that he would be able to at least feel the love of God, just once in a stong and powerful way. Could this happen , yes, it could. You might be saying "How do you know, it could?" Because God holds me, and wraps His arms around me all of the time. God gives me the best hugs and is always there with his arms open, He doesn't judge me ,or do any harm, He is the reason I've been sober 20 years, because His grace and His mercy is new everyday, and I ask for it and I recieve it.Today, I will be sober, I will be as sane as I can be, and I will thank God for another day.
Please have a wonderful sober day! Look at the clouds, the beautiful flowers, the smile on a childs face,listen to the stories of the elderly, call a friend just to say "Hi, I've missed you.", pet a dog or cat, or a goat who behaves badly...do one thing today for someone else.
What strength God hap put in your heart!! I'm sorry for your pain, i'm sorry that your husband may be one of those unfortunates. Obviously you have not given up hope. I believe God has put that hope in your heart to. I will say extra prayers for you, your husband and your family.
I'm amazed at how much more I treasure life, God, myself and those I love since I sobered up.
I used to say in the midst of active addiction, today is whatever date it may have been, July 18, 2005, we'll only live it once. Now I say it and really mean it, from my heart.
My youngest daughter just got back from a 2 week visit at my sisters, apparently my sis smokes her pot right in front of her kids these days, figures it's best not to hide it. sigh...My daughter also knows now that my ex smokes pot too. I jsut simply told her last night how much better my life and mind is for quitting that crap. The main reason for her visit was to go to the Calgary Stampede. When the day finally came for them to all go, my sister had gone on a drinking spree the night before and the kids couldn't wake her up in the morning. They had planned to go early so as to get in the gates free, didn't happen. They did get to go that day but i'm sure my sister wasn't full of the spunk required for an outing like that with 4 kids. All I can do is the best I can do. I have so much gratitude in my heart for the AA program that teaches me how to really live, i can't express it.
I work with 5 little old ladies, when I was putting one of them to bed last night she said," boy, this day sure was long" I said yes, it was, and meant it. She said that she spent it watching people come in and out of the house. I look at her and see someone who is waiting to die. The very same routines day after day after day. We even have the exact same conversations. i don't want to live like that. I don;t want to grow old and wish i'd lived my life differently. I don't want to wait to die, I want to live, each and every moment with love.
I spent so many years causing pain and the world is full of it. Today I choose love, it takes up so much less energy and gives me more energy in return.
Your husband is choosing his path, he knows this, even through the fog. I'm sure his spirit is still fighting, I pray one day his spirit will see the light through the darkness, as you have.
I also pray that I one day can look back on 20 years of sobriety with a heart smile. Which brings me to today, and making it all i can. do something extra special for yourself today Gammy, I send you a great big hug to share with the ones that God gives you.
