well I will... I am so ashamed of myself I can't even tell you. I went and drank last night. I guess that voice got stronger and stronger. And ya, nothing bad happened or anything, but I feel like crying all day today or throwing up or something just from the guilt of it. It was a stupid mistake and I don't want anyone here to think that I'm not serious about stopping. I am.
One of the first things I thought of when I woke up this morning was about this website and "well, I guess I can't go back on there anymore". But I am back here because I'm still an alcoholic and I still want to stop.
I had about a month of sobriety under my belt before last night.
I think that the thing that is the most disgusting to me is that I feel like I didn't even try. As soon as that voice telling me to drink got a little bit strong I just resigned and said yup lets drink.
I was feeling so good. I felt like a new me and I was really happy and today I'm back at square one.
I only ever went to one meeting. I guess this is a good sign that I need to jump in with both feet because I really am not in control.
Thanks for listening and I'm sorry to anyone that may be disappointed.
Jennifer, You didn't dissapoint anyone and of course you're welcome here. You want to stop, right? All AA members want/need to help, right? Here and in real-life AA is where we STOP beating ourselves up. True; we become more responsible. True; we morally fix ourselves. True; we look at ourselves in often brutally honest ways and in time will confess and share these faults with others BUT we do not beat ourselves up.
We heal...one Step at a time. We sober up...one Day at a time and sometimes we learn ugly lessons...one relapse at a time.
"I need to jump in with both feet because I really am not in control." Sounds like you have a beginning knowledge of Step One.
Get To Some Meetings. You found your way to the drunk...use that energy to find your way to a meeting. Welcome back.
Maybe another way of looking at this is, wow, you almost had a whole month, you caved into that Cunning and Baffling and oh so Powerful voice of the disease, but look where you are, you are right back.....and looking at what went wrong.....like not going to those meetings.
wh not try that 90 in 90, find a good woman to Sponsor you and begin working the 12Steps...................sounds like with your Post, you are looking into that first step or perhaps indeed living in it...
Just go get a bandaide, and put in on you one boo boo. Truthfully dear, when someone uses the word disgusting about themselves or even others, well I think that is just disgusting, Just kidding, what I want to say is Please stop, if you can, go ahead and put down that flogging device....in truth it feeds your disease, thats my take on putting ourselves down..
We love you regardless of what you did, you do not have to answer to us. You have to answer to yourself. And in so doing, you have to keep in mind that the striking of yourself about the head and shoulders with the baseball bat of shame over this slip only breeds self-pity (I know that one WELL!!) and self-pity creates for us yet another urge to drink.
We don't worship the folks here who are new and don't slip (though we are happy for them). We don't condemn those (like me) who have. Unlike things in the outside world, it is not a contest, and in this game (which isn't really a game), different things get our attention. Things like love, honesty and sincerity. And you are very honest and sincere. Therefore, I can speak for myself and say I love you even more than I did an hour ago, when I read your offering of comfort and courage to me in another post. You are telling on not just yourself, for you are not a child, you are tonight TELLING ON YOUR DISEASE. Do so with fervor!
Your picking up a drink just makes you an alcoholic like the rest of us, which you already knew, and you are suffering from an illness; you are not bad or shameful or irresponsible or unworthy or any of the other things your mind is telling you right this minute. You are not a bad person trying to become good. You, like the rest of us, are a sick person trying to get well. We identify with you, and we love you.
Now it is time for YOU to love you, and get back on the horse. Tell on yourself. Call your sponsor or AA confidant, and say, "I slipped. WE need to figure out what I can do to not let it happen today. WE need to get me busy moving in the right direction. Something wasn't working, let's correct that. Just for TODAY." That person will admire you , identify you, applaud you for taking care of YOU, and you will, I GUARANTEE, feel stronger and better for it.
Back on the horse, my friend!! For tomorrow, we ride!!!
With love, Joni
__________________
~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Welcome Back to AA. Many Die or get locked up before making it back. You are a lucky one!!
Now down to the Basics of AA. I don't need to know your answers but you do
1. Did you pray to God on the day you slipped and ask for his help in not drinking? I never slipped but I have taked to hundreds that did. If they were honest most said they did not pray that day.
2. Do you have a sponsor of the same sex, one with significant sobriety who has worked all of the steps? Absolutly vital to have one. By the way it does not have to be someone you like.
3. How many meetings have you been attending? For the first 90 days I attended two and sometimes three meeting a day. Sound excessive? Look at #1 above, I have not slipped. The first 90 days start again after a relapse past history no longer counts.
4. What step are you on? During the first 90 days I had completed, with my sponsor's guidance steps 4 and 5 and we went straight into steps 6 and 7. Step 4 is the beginning of the action steps. Until then all we have done is make some decisions. It takes action to stay sober. No amount of deciding to stay sober no matter how honest the attempt will work. We have an AA Waltz 1,2,3, slip, 1,2,3, slip.
5. Did you call anyone for help BEFORE you drank? The telephone is very difficult for Alcoholics to pick up but those that do call someone usually do not drink.
6. Did you get too Hungry Angry, Lonely or Tired, HALT and call someone immediatly
7. Do you really, I mean more than anything in world really want to get sober? If not it just won't work. Alcoholism is a Chronic, Progressive, Terminal illness. Chronic, it can't be cured. But all symptoms go away over time as a result of not drinking and working the steps. Progressive, it gets worse, if you live long enough you will want to quit more than you wan't anything in the world. Terminal, We all die with Alcoholism but those that continue to drink die from it in addition to with it. My Brotherin-law died from it. Not a nice way to go.
Bottom line is if you want what we have and are ready to go to any lengths we in AA have your solution.
Larry, --------------- If all you do is go to meetings and sit on your ass, all you're going to get is a sore ass
I'm crying after reading those replies. Thanks everyone. I know how serious it can get, my father committed suicide on a drinking binge. I DO want to take part in AA to it's fullest and I will starting tomorrow. Hitting up a meeting tomorrow and going to put the word out that I would like a sponsor.
No I didn't call anyone or anything to talk to when I got the really strong urge. Actually, I did call my brother, my drinking buddy. Didn't work too good.
...the only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking. But really, listen to what these people are suggesting if you really want to stop as they have... get to a lot of meetings, get with your HP, read the Big Book, follow every suggestion you can, and even some you can't.
You are NOT alone in this. Buck up, li'l camper!
xo M
__________________
"I answer to two people, myself and God... and I don't give a s#*% what anyone else thinks of me."-- Cher
Aloha Jenn...you got some great feedback and all of it from someone elses experiences. That means that it worked for them and for others. The 90/90 rountine works from my experience and what else also works is get as much information about the disease of alcoholism that you carry and read it all because it is all important. That is what I did also. I have a disease of compulsion with an allergy of the body. It is four fold...mind, body, spirit and emotions. It can never be cured only arrested by total abstinence. It is progressive in that if the alcoholic were to stop drinking for a while and then continue (relapse) often the return will be worse. Alcoholics don't pick up again where they started but where they left off.
There is more. I went after it all so that I had a living definition of the disease I have carried all of my life from birth and which brought me close to death on several occasions without my awareness. I didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know. I drank because it was there for the drinking and had no idea what alcoholism was or how I carried it personally. I am a chemically tolerant alcoholic which helped me understand why I reach overdose before reaching drunk. I am on extended research about the phenominum of relapse so now you are my teacher. Why am I on that research? because I have no experience with it and know that my subconscious state is where this disease lives for me. I have no control over my subconscious; all I can stay is consciously alert with the information I have. My subconscious authors the invitations and directs the dreams and invites me to consider drinking. I don't do the considering and I still for today get the invitation. I listen closely to those who relapse and when they are finished talking (teaching) I say thank you....so thank you for bringing it here I'm sure I'm not the only alcoholic here who can "live" with the information.
Welcome back! I feel honoured that my very first post is to you. You are not unique. Many of us have relapsed. Many of us have then realised sobriety is a much better option than actively drinking.
By being courageous enough to come back you have kept me sober one extra day. Thank you young lady and again welcome back!
Hey Jennifer, no mention of whether you made it to the AA meeting (that you posted about going to) or not. And no mention of going to a meeting Today. I think, if you didn't, that would be significant in retrospect. Feeling shameful is really of no use other than to promote self pity, a main ingredient in alcoholism. We can console you or we can point you in the right direction.
Tell that part of you, that wants to drink, to shut up, and get yourself to a meeting Today.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Sunday 2nd of May 2010 07:32:58 AM
Today is day one for me too. So was yesterday, and if all goes well, tomorrow will be day one for me as well. All I have is today. I don't consider myself to have any number of days "under my belt".
One of the first things I thought of when I woke up this morning was about this website and "well, I guess I can't go back on there anymore". But I am back here because I'm still an alcoholic and I still want to stop.
I'm convinced that this is a large part of what killed my friend. He had 11+ years, starting drinking around 2 years ago, but it had been 2 years before that since he had been to a meeting. I'm sure he wanted to come back, but didn't feel he could. I'm sure it would have been devastating for him to admit he had relapsed (although we already knew), or to admit to his non-AA friends and family and co-workers that he was an alcoholic.
Not as devastating as death, I suspect.
I can be pretty stubborn with my pride at times. This is a lesson to me.
One of the first things I thought of when I woke up this morning was about this website and "well, I guess I can't go back on there anymore". But I am back here because I'm still an alcoholic and I still want to stop.
I'm convinced that this is a large part of what killed my friend. He had 11+ years, starting drinking around 2 years ago, but it had been 2 years before that since he had been to a meeting. I'm sure he wanted to come back, but didn't feel he could. I'm sure it would have been devastating for him to admit he had relapsed (although we already knew), or to admit to his non-AA friends and family and co-workers that he was an alcoholic.
Not as devastating as death, I suspect.
I can be pretty stubborn with my pride at times. This is a lesson to me.
Barisax
Thanks to both of you guys for this. I heard a chair last Fall by a woman who had been in years and went out for a month. She got nothing but support and praise for her honesty. That must have been such a tough thing to do, but she did it.
Seeing that woman's example, and hearing about Barisax's friend show me that that is exactly what we have to do.
Oblong, you've just shown that you can do that. Way to go! :)
Just kidding, what I want to say is Please stop, if you can, go ahead and put down that flogging device....in truth it feeds your disease, thats my take on putting ourselves down..
