Sometimes I need to hear something at a meeting, which fires off my synapses and helps me to see what wrong with me.
I've been feeling emotionally disturbed at times over the past few days. As you may know, I haven't had much (well barely any) contact with my adult children for 4 years. I've made amends as best I can and thought I had accepted the response from one and the lack of response from the other.
I thought I had detached with love, to let them get on with their own lives.
I thought I had got the it's none of my business thing off down pat.
I had - for a bit.
But it turned from - this is none of my business, let them get on with their lives to (you can guess what's coming) to -
Fukkem!
Not detaching with love, not allowing them to get on with their lives, but me being selfish and wanting and not getting and feeling hard done by.
So thanks to a relative newbie who shared, which set the synapses firing, the people who shared after her, which got me to realise that I had got more out of her share than I first knew and a particular grumpy old timer, who would not let go of my hand until I had honestly answered his question of how are you? (the Insightful ol' b'stard.)
He was caring enough to listen to me, help me pick the bits out, get things a bit straighter and reflect some of his relevant experience back to me.
Ah ain't it a joy to have friends who won't let you wallow in your own self pity?
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
And another space here Bill,to let it go..I have kids in their mid 40's ,a son whom we just got back together after 31 years and a daughter one year older and the same re kindling.But they still never call me,but when I did some 9th step work out in Texas last year,they both said it was what it was(they lived thru my active years,some anyway) they told me they thought I did the best I could at that time and they still loved me no matter.Can't get no more than that I guess.I did have to dump it with my sponsor and at some meetings and it helped a lot.....My son's daughter just had a baby girl,2 months ago Trinity Rose,making me a greatgrandfather and it seems im back in the mix with both families...Only thru God's grace and the blessings of sobriety. The road is long with many a winding turn!!!Thanks for sharing that Bill its how we stay well.
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
I hope the old guy told you "GET OFF THE CROSS WE NEED THE WOOD"
Boy us alcoholics, especially me have a black belt in self pity. We (I) need an occasional ass kicking to get us (me) back to reality. Good sponsors and oldtimers are masters at ass kicking.
The danger for us of course is that poor me quickly can change to pour me.
Larry, --------------- Your mind works very simply: you are either trying to find out what God's will is in order to follow it; or you are trying to outsmart Him.
An Effen resentment. Either I was shotgunning one which came from another place in the past and blaming it on others I felt justified in doing it to or it was just an expectation unrewarded that I hadn't used forgiveness on. Resentments for me are like rain when it falls and then runs down the roof it can and will find any small crack or hole and then it just drips drips drips until I find the hole and plug it. Inventory time...practice makes perfect.
Sometimes I need to hear something at a meeting, which fires off my synapses and helps me to see what wrong with me.
So thanks to a relative newbie who shared, which set the synapses firing, the people who shared after her, which got me to realise that I had got more out of her share than I first knew and a particular grumpy old timer, who would not let go of my hand until I had honestly answered his question of how are you? (the Insightful ol' b'stard.)
He was caring enough to listen to me, help me pick the bits out, get things a bit straighter and reflect some of his relevant experience back to me.
Ah ain't it a joy to have friends who won't let you wallow in your own self pity?
It is a joy to have that, particularly with "deep stuff", people who don't ridicule and minimize what is happening with me when I am having an emotion, but:
He was caring enough to listen to me, help me pick the bits out, get things a bit straighter and reflect some of his relevant experience back to me.
I have had this happen to me, where I was listening to a share, walk out of a meeting and had people start asking me confusing questions, like "How are you?" and "what's going on?" and not realize anything was happening until I couldn't answer their questions and all of the sudden I am in the grip of overwhelming emotions, and having them stay with me as it all came tumbling out, stuff I didn't even know was there.
I would probably kick someone in the kneecap if they told me to get off the cross they need the wood in a situation like that, that is reserved for VERY close friends when I am being an ass, not when I have deep family stuff coming up, I am glad you encountered a loving old timer who was able to share relevant ESH and just ask those difficult questions like "How are you?" until it came up for you and you were able to process it.
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Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a night, light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
No Larry, the old guy didn't tell me to get off the cross, he was skilled and experienced enough to be more appropriate.
Yes, AGO, I might well have responded badly to such a comment.
Another learning point for me, I don't have to be a hard man all the time with my sponsees and brothers in the fellowship, sometimes I just have to listen for the answer and share my ESH. This is going to be useful with one of my sponsees who's wife recently died. the guy is a mess, who wouldn't be? But he's not drinking and now knows that he needs to not drink for himself.
I have had a temptation to be arrogant with him - so your wife died, it wasn't unexpected, get over it - but that would be totally inappropriate right now. Thankfully I managed to keep my opinion to myself. Willy waving contests would not be the right course. So far as bereavement goes, I reflect on what my Mother in Law told me just a few months ago, her husband died over 20 years ago and she said 'I miss him and think of him every day.' I talked to my Mum and she said the same thing - my Dad has been dead for 10 years.
I don't miss my Dad or father in law to that extent, but I still miss them both at times. Maybe that's because they weren't as important in my life as they were to others, maybe I didn't have that feeling for them. But that doesn't mean that others feelings are selfish or wrong in some way.
It's a judgement call, I hear people saying get off the pity pot, get off the cross etc. and think how innapropriate is that, then i hear myself thinking and sometimes saying it. It's a minefield. When i was bemoaning repeatedly abut my life, refusing the help and denigrating the steps, trying to find that easier, softer way, then yes, those people who took me to one side and told me to get off the pity pot, told me to live in the solution not the problem and told me to count my blessings - yes they were right at that time, I was wallowing in it like a petulant toddler. But when I'm open to help and advice and guidance - even if it takes a bit of prising out of me, then those who choose to use smart mouth ego driven bon mots are implicitly giving me the oppertunity to practice tolerance and restraint by not smacking them in the gob. But I might fail.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
