Got a call from my sponosor today. My ex-girlfriend whom I broke up with a couple months ago overdosed on some kind of medication. Heart stopped beating for over ten minutes. She is in a coma and won't be alive for much longer. I was with this girl for three years of my life and this hurts like hell. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I haven't been able to cry since I went through this same shit with my one girlfriend that shot herself six years ago. They say God won't give me more than I can handle. It sure doesn't feel that way. I just got home from a meeting. I talked about it and part of me still wants to go get screwed up. The part that gets me is that I really wanted to call her this weekend. My sponsor is friends with her father and I was told not to call her because she was using a few weeks back. I would like to say that I know in my heart I am not responsible for what has happened, nor do I want that burden. I went out and bought a pack of smokes today. So much for quitting. Almost had it beat too. I really want to go see her in the hospital. I am just so worried that her mother will take this out on me somehow and I don't really trust myself when it comes to how I react. I have a few mutual friends in the program who said they will go with me tomorrow. I'm scared to death. This is just another lesson on what happens when we pick up the 1st one. So many of my close friends in sobriety are no longer with us. Sometimes sobriety seems like a blessing and sometimes it just hurts unbelievably. God help me.
Justin! I am sincerely sorry for your situation right now and I will definitely keep you in prayer.I may also say that you are vulnerable now so I would suggest getting around people in recovery and keep your focus.Life is going to continue blasting away at us and our disease will sit,lurking for that one vulnerable moment to reclaim us.Many of my friends didn't make it either through overdoses,suicides or life in the streets.Stay strong.That pack of fags could have been a bottle!! God is faithful He will never let us be tempted more than we can bear without giving us a way out!The wording " God giving us more than we can handle has been taken out of context.It is through His grace(unmerited favor for us)that we are able to bear such pain.Your last three words are exactly right God help me!!In support,thanks for sharing ,its how we ease our pain.........
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
When one of us is hurting we all feel the pain. She is with God now and never has to hurt again. My heart and prayers go out to you.
This too shall pass
Larry, ---------------------- If you know someone who tries to drown their sorrows, you might tell them sorrows know how to swim. ~Quoted in P.S. I Love You, compiled by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Glad that you shared with us here. Please don't feel weird about asking people in the fellowship to stay close, this would be heavy for anyone to experience. Despite the insanity of it, your desire to bury feeling by drinking is not especially surprizing. You know what it means if you listen to that voice. Love and support, Angela
Justin, Relax and don't use this as an excuse to keep smoking...So you bought a pack and you had a hard day. Throw the pack out and stop smoking. Aside from that, I am so sorry for your loss, but just remember that it was her actions, her decision, and had nothing to do with you. Hate the disease and not all the rest. Don't give into addiction cuz addiction claims others...Work even harder to be healthy, happy, joyous, and free!
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Wow, what horrible news. I'm so sorry you are going through this. There is a pain that people in sobriety share, and that is the pain of witnessing (fully) the horribleness of alcoholism through its affects on others. Like others here have said, I have seen many people close to me die of this disease, including my mother. If you feel that you can't bear this, you are right. That is, you can't bear it alone. It is good that you have people around you to support you, you need lots of support!! Please keep us updated, you will be in our prayers.
Justin, God bless you. I am so sorry for your pain right now but I am proud of your courage to share with us here & to face the loneliness her death may bring to you. I am so deeply glad too that you are having the courage not to hurt yourself over this too, that temptation could be great. If you want to stay stopped of the cigarettes then brace yourself & try again. I know stopping smokinf for me is such a great gift from my sobriety & you do deserve that too. Don't give up giving up my friend. Stay close with your fellowship & let yourself be loved & carried through this. You are in my prayers. God rest her soul & ease yours through this. Recovery love & fellowship, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
I am so in grief for you right now, my friend, I don't even know and can't even BEGIN to think of what to say. I lost a boyfriend to heroin years ago to an overdose, he was in his car in a bad part of town and died there alone. It tore me to pieces as I had left him only weeks prior to get sober. This is so heartbreaking and I just want soooo badly, and am praying right now, for God to reach His powerful and amazing arms around you and wrap you in a blanket of peace and safety and RELIEF from the pain you are having to experience right now. My God, please hold this friend of mine, this dear sweet person, as tighly as you have ever held anyone, God, and DO NOT LET HIM GO.....
all my love and prayers, joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I haven't been able to cry since I went through this same shit with my one girlfriend that shot herself six years ago. They say God won't give me more than I can handle. It sure doesn't feel that way. I just got home from a meeting. I talked about it and part of me still wants to go get screwed up. The part that gets me is that I really wanted to call her this weekend. My sponsor is friends with her father and I was told not to call her because she was using a few weeks back. I would like to say that I know in my heart I am not responsible for what has happened, nor do I want that burden. I went out and bought a pack of smokes today. So much for quitting. Almost had it beat too. I really want to go see her in the hospital. I am just so worried that her mother will take this out on me somehow and I don't really trust myself when it comes to how I react. I have a few mutual friends in the program who said they will go with me tomorrow. I'm scared to death.
Oh I feel for you so much and understand exactly where you're coming from.
You say you don't know what is happening to you - well stuff like this HURTS and hurts bad, but you won't die from it. I heard just tonight of a person (not an alkie) who drank for 18 months aftr her Mum died, to keep the pain away. She realised after the 18 months that all she had done was prolong the pain.
When her Dad died she made a concious decision not to drink, but to feel the pain.
So, feel the pain my brother.
Guilt from the past (not calling last weekend) and projection for the future (her Mum will blame me.) This is your disease talking to you, wanting you to pick up again.
Stay close to your friends in the fellowship, repeat the serenity prayer and count your blessings, just might help you get through this day and you will learn more about your higher power not giving you more than you can deal with in the day.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Again! was my thinking Justin, we have had so many private talks on this issue, a year or so ago.....
Prayers are going stright up to HIM, for your own Safety my friend...
Words are indeed so very inadequate at times, this being one of them....
Like that saying "We suffer our Friends" which means, when you hurt, I hurt....
Surround yourself with love, your Sponsor, and stay inside that circle of love.....
"Sobriety in front of Everything else, even if our asses have fallen off", Let the Light of God, His awesome and unwarrented Grace for this blessing of Sobriety, Let His Light shine brightly in these hours, no matter how dark they might appear to you in this horrific Pain....
Allow yourself to be that person that is carried as "The Footsteps Prayer"
My heart is acheing for you with so much love you cannot even imagine....
I've felt your pain, Justin. My husband of 15 years died of a heroin OD ten years ago. I didn't drink over it, but it's the greatest pain I've ever felt in my life so far. I didn't know a human being could feel such pain. Stick close to program people and especially to your sponsor, but most of all to your Higher Power. It worked for me and I know it will work for you.
You know what? I had given up a chain-smoking habit 11 years before he died, but the first thing I wanted was a cigarette when I got out the other side. Isn't that silly? I guess we just have to do something self-destructive "at" whatever hurts us.
Your ex is still breathing and miracles happen. Only God knows when it's our time to go and I've heard of us addicts/alcoholics coming out of brushes with death when nobody thought we possibly could and it's what saves our lives and gets us clean and sober ultimately. My first sponsor was an example of this. Don't give up on God and don't automatically assume she's going to go be with Him as a result of this. But also remember that even if she does leave this life, she'll be at peace at last and not have to fight the "enemy" anymore. I wouldn't really deprive my husband of that, when I really think of it, just to ease my pain over not having him here anymore.
My prayers are with all concerned.
Oh---and the cigarettes? Just tell your Higher Power you want them gone and He'll see to it. If you can toss them again, by all means do it, but if you can't, ask HP to deal with it and don't beat yourself up over it.
Sorry to hear that Justin. My first long term GF died a couple years ago. Her parents didn't even call me. I found out a year later from a friend of a friend. I don't think that I've dealt with it yet.
hello you are in my thoughts also. Please dont blame yourself for not ringing the 3 cs, you didnt cause it, you cant control, you cant cure it. none of it is any of your fault. and i think it is normal to feel bad, and have thoughts of 'i should have done this or that' when someone dear to us is very sick and we scared of them dying.those thoughts are not reality though they are warped not the reality. And its better to pick up a smoke than a drink dont beat yourself up mate. you have not picked up a drink and that is really good. smokes you can put down again im sure. i hope your friend pulls through and that you are ok.
-- Edited by slugcat on Thursday 22nd of April 2010 06:52:51 PM
