I am newly sober, after being in AA for about 5 months, i went back out. I stayed out for about two months, then came back in only to drink again about two months later. The relationship I was in has ended, and there doesnt seem to be any chance of it being repaired due to some things I did in my past.I am having a terrible time with this.I just completed my first honest and completely thorough 5th step and I thought there might be some relief there but it just isnt happening. I dont feel like drinking, I just miss her terribly, and cant seem to let go.I understand from my 3rd step that that is what i must do, but it is so hard. Any suggestions would be helpful.
Wow, I feel for you Jason. I am just coming back from having drank and used over a couple of weeks after a couple of years sober. It was not the first time I had a couple of years sober either. I just wanted to clarify where I am coming from right now.
I lost a love that meant so very much to me due to my behavior while in my disease of alcoholism and addiction. This has been some years, but it hurt for a long time. But what was important for me at the time was what I did with the hurt. I had to share it and keep sharing it with sober people until it lessened over time. There IS happiness after something like this, I promise you. But you need to let yourself be loved by the people of AA right now, until time takes the edge off the sting of loss you are feeling right now.
So sorry that you have to feel the way I had to, It was horrible, but as I said, it definitely gets better, you just have to trust us on that. And if you do the right things for YOU and YOUR life right now, you will grow to be the person who is capable of loving and treating those you love the way they deserve to be treated, and you will have the satisfaction and blessing of love in your life again, and it will be better than what you were capable of before. It is just time to work on YOU right now, and this will probably pave the way for you to do just that. WEe grow the most in times of pain, if we stick to our guns and keep plugging along doing the right thing.
Take care and please keep seeking help and understanding, both here and in the rooms of AA.
joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
thanks joni, i know the pain should subside eventually, the tough thing is wanting it to i think. i want to hold on to her so badly, its crazy. I just cant seem to do that right now. thank you again, it means alot to hear your response
Stick around, Jason. Like I said, I am not the award-winning AA that should be telling anyone what to do right now, just coming back from some self-inflicted misery myself. But if you stick around, I guarantee that this poist will fill up full of wisdom and practical learning and the Experience, Strength and Hope from others that will be like good medicine for you right now.
Take care, Joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Hey Jason, I feel your pain I really do. My fiance ended our relationship because of my drinking a year ago and I thought it was the end of me. I couldn't even picture myself living and doing things without him. It felt like I was ripped in two. So very painful I know. Unfortunately there is nothing that anyone can say to help ease your pain. For moments of relief, spend time with (sober) friends and family that make you laugh.
Another thing I did that helped me was to lay back and really feel the pain. I know that sounds weird but I think it helped. I analyzed it... Like what does this pain physically feel like etc... Then before you know it there is a space between you and the pain.
jason c wrote: The relationship I was in has ended, and there doesnt seem to be any chance of it being repaired due to some things I did in my past.
Jason,
Never say never. I was in your shoes, I lost the love of my life through a divorce and there did not seem to be any hope of repairing the damage I did. Fast forward 21 years later. I had been sober at that point for 11 years. We remarried and have been in a very good marriage for 22 years this time with no end in sight.
As long as you are alive and sober there is hope but it takes time. In my case 11 years sobriety.
Larry, -------------------- Every day is an opportunity to make a new happy ending. ~Author Unknown
Jason, I was in a relationship when I first came into AA, but due to my bingeing on and off for 7 years in and out of AA, I finally got off the booze, but the partner who was not my husband didn't like AA people cos they phoned me and picked me up for meetings etc. etc....
It was on the day that he said to me, 'If that's another of them F*****ng alkies, tell them to F**k off, cos if another one of 'em rings again, I'll rip that B****rd phone off the wall' By this time I had already decided I would go to any lengths to get and stay sober, so I left, which meant me and my 2 daughters had to go back to my parents (I couldn't afford to live on my own with the kids, I was bankrupt, and getting a council house would have taken forever)
As it happened we stayed with my parents for 2 years, all three of us sleeping in the same room, I had a single bed, the kids had bunks. It sure as hell wasn't easy, but because my parents saw that I meant business, they didn't mind at all me going to as many meetings as I could, and they babysat the kids for me. At this time the girls were almost 11 and 2 years old, and they are now 30 and 22 years old, and I have 3 grandchildren, PLUS, I am still with a guy who I met on a site very similar to this one, and we will have been together 10 years this June.
Don't try to force any issues, trust in whatever higher power you can be comfortable with (mine was and still is a Group Of Drunks G-O-D. It works for me, and I will (God willing) be 20 years sober this July.
I can tell you this, If I had been asked to write down everything I wanted when I got sober, I would have drastically sold myself short, for today, it's not about money, job, relationship or no relationship, it's about how happy I am, and believe me, if it gets much better I doubt I will be able to stand it.
Keep coming back and keep on keeping on, as one door closes, another door swings right open.
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Serenity is Wanting what you have, not having what you want
Always remember non-alcoholic beers are for NON-ALCOHOLICS
oh wow, those all have helped somewhat, and im trying to stay busy with meetings, its the alone time that is just killing me, esp the mornings. thank you all for caring enough to share
My experience is like others' here: the healing takes time. One thing that helped me in going through a breakup several years ago was reaching out my hand to try to help folks newer than me in A.A. Sometimes it meant going to coffee, just hanging out before and after the meetings, talks on the phone, etc. Anytime I'm struggling with anything, whether it's an intimate relationship or not, "getting out of myself" to help someone else seems to help me more than almost anything else.
I didn't know how to have relationships when I was drinking. Boozing was the major part of everything and drunk doesn't make for whole, healthy, relationships. I wanted them but had no idea what was required. I was in deep denial about the drinking which was normal. Having a relationship without alcohol was ab- normal. There was soooo much for me to come to understand before I could get the picture right. It took a long time and still though the marriage I am in currently has lasted longer than the first two combined it still is a work in progress relationship with emphasis on work. Self knowledge is so very very important and one of the things I learned was that as a loner drunk, an isolater, I was not normal for being in a mutual relationship from the first place. Another thing I learned was about choosing the partner versus trying to hold on to someone I got sweet with and bedded and because that felt nice it must be love and lasting. LOL where did I get my guidance? Another thing I had to learn was that my partners were all human and subject to the same rights, rules and allowances with dignity that I wanted and pushed for. They had the right and dignity to get pissed and move on away from me when I was turning their involvement into a waste of time. There were more than a handful of women on my 9th step that I disrespected and used and that wasn't fair, honest and just.
The priority relationships in my life today are 1st with my HP and then myself. (I love and work hard at keeping myself safe, healthy and sane) and then my wife and others. The lines blurr at times as they are supposed to in recovery.
There are some awful nice people, women included who ran with me for a while until they had nothing more to give.
Take it all one day at a time. Focus, focus, focus on getting your self right with the steps as a life and one day after time you'll know, she'll know and HP will smile on it. Keep coming back.
My experience matched that of Larry and StPeteDean in the other thread you posted on
I had to become the love I was looking for, and yes, my ex came back a year later, I continued to get healthier, she didn't, a few years later she left me for a married man and we were both relieved.
Be careful what you wish for, more tears are shed for prayers that were answered then ever were for those unanswered, getting sober means growing and being open to new experiences, like Dean said if you remain the same, or go back the view gets so boring you go drink to stop the pain.
I would also strongly suggest reading Johns post that started the other thread you posted on, trust me, I know what you are going through, when my girl left I lost 50 lbs in 30 days, I went from a 6' tall strapping young man to 130 lbs that looked like an Auschwitz survivor, I cried for what seemed months.
It's possible you may want to check out a few SLAA meetings, tell them what happened and get some support there for the loss of your soul mate.
I happen to be a believer that "recovery" doesn't even begin until one has worked all 12 steps, until then it is abstinence and a holding pattern until one drinks again or one works the steps, one of which will happen with alcoholics when the pain of untreated alcoholism gets great enough, so I took that pain and LEAPED into the program 24/7 and it saved and changed my life.
My sponsor told me "the moment you finish the steps and are over your GF, she will be back, hopefully you will be healthy enough to make the right decision"
He was right, she did come back but his hopes weren't realized, I was still sick enough to take her back, a decision that ultimately caused both of us years of pain and suffering. What I learned was it is impossible for two sick people to have a healthy relationship, so, like with my drinking, after many years of agonizing suffering I took steps to learn how to change that
-- Edited by AGO on Tuesday 20th of April 2010 12:47:33 AM
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Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a night, light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
Well Jason....Take it from a severe codependent that has yet to drink over it...there are many fish in the sea and you can always find a new girlfriend. Perhaps it is in God's plan for you to have an even hotter more awesome girlfriend but you need to be sober and in good shape and to be the best version of you possible in order for that to happen. In truth, you aren't meant to be mourning lost loves for very long. Feel the feelings. Cry a while, then feel better and move on. I did try and "have a relationship with myself" and all that in my first year but it didn't really happen that way for me. The relationship I started at 2 months broke up a couple of months ago (when I had 16 months sober) and it hurt but by the time it did, my foundation for sobriety was strong and I was okay. I know I will be okay regardless of any romantic relationship. Dating and intimacy are too much fun for me to give up...dunno about the rest of you. Anyhow, take it all in perspective. You have much time to enjoy another love whenever it is meant to happen and as soon as the bitter pain of this break up is gone...you get to have fun looking. PLUS...you will be much more successful doing it sober. So...focus on you but enjoy life at the same time if you can. It truly WILL be okay.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Oh we all feel your pain. And you may hate me saying this, but maybe this is the best thing for you right now. Sometimes it really takes letting go of everything to really get sober - not just to stop drinking. Desperation has saved my butt many times in the past. It has forced me to reach out in ways I never would have, to make friends whom I previously would have avoided, to look deep into myself in ways I never had the strength to do.
I also agree that the best thing to do is something good for another drunk (it works when all else fails - yes, I'm a BB quote person). You don't have to have a lot of time to be helpful to others. Just listening, giving someone a ride, buying someone a coffee - anything for someone else is the best thing to do in a situation like that. The best cure for loneliness is to get out of yourself. (and thanks to this post, I'm writing stuff I need to hear - that's how it works!). It may be that your loneliness is longing for something much more than her. I missed drinking, my illness in ways that ached and came into my life in backwards ways. But it also just hurts to lose someone - that is simply human.
thank you all for caring enough to post a response. things seem to be getting better each day, although the mornings and nights are still tough. I am taking the advice, and trying to get out of myself. its definately not easy but im pushing through, thanks again
I hope my relationship can be recovered....I have been looking back at all of the drunken nights that he had to deal with. And he was a great boyfriend, he always made sure i got home safe...even if i treated him terrible that night. we have been broken up for 4 days now and it seems like it has been months. but he has shown me that alcohol abuse can take away the most important thing in your life. And that makes it that much easier to not what do drink. I wish i could have seen that before it came to this point. i can only hope now that i can prove to him that i am ready for this change in my behavor. i miss him and love him dearly.
I hope my relationship can be recovered....I have been looking back at all of the drunken nights that he had to deal with. And he was a great boyfriend, he always made sure i got home safe...even if i treated him terrible that night. we have been broken up for 4 days now and it seems like it has been months. but he has shown me that alcohol abuse can take away the most important thing in your life. And that makes it that much easier to not what do drink. I wish i could have seen that before it came to this point. i can only hope now that i can prove to him that i am ready for this change in my behavor. i miss him and love him dearly.
Caitlin,
In stead of ready to change your behavior, why not show him you HAVE changed your behavior. This change comes from working the AA program with a sponsor.
Larry, -------------------- You can't think your way into a new way of living...you have to live your way into a new way of thinking.
You didn't ruin the relationship in 4 days and it's not going to be healed in 4 days. It's going to take a very long time to change your thinking and your behavior to show him you're trustworthy. By that time, he may have moved on but on the other hand, he may wait as long as it takes. You need to be willing to accept either possibility.
I learned that in order to love someone else, I had to learn to love myself. I couldn't love myself till I learned who I was, either. Learning who I was and learning to love myself took a very long time.
I figure it's like this: If I don't know who I am, then I can't know who someone else is, either. If I don't know who I am and I don't know who they are, then what makes me think I can know we're even right for each other? When I discover who I really am and realize who they really are, I might not even like them and they might not even like me, either.
Many sponsors tell their sponsees that they're not to get into relationships (if they're not currently in one) for at least a year after they get sober. For me, I wasn't ready even longer than that. That's not to say I didn't do it anyway, but I did have to admit I shouldn't have.
When I was in a relationship, I got so involved with the relationship that I didn't pay much attention to me and how I needed to change my life in order to be a successful, loving partner. I muddied the waters with everything else a relationship brings with it. I got busy trying to make them into what I thought they should be to suit me and my needs. My selfishness run riot just totally tore through my partner's heart and left it in little shreds.
Not only that, but if I could win back the relationship too easily after a breakup, then I wasn't impressed with the importance of staying sober and making changes I needed to make in my own life. That just led to more drinking and more disaster.
By the way, Caitlin, what you've described about him always taking care of you and seeing that you got home safely and such is called "enabling" and it will eventually "love you to death" because it helps you to die of your disease. He's done the most loving thing in breaking up with you because he's shocked you into realizing you have a problem and need help. I hope he doesn't take you back till you've spent some very serious time working on sobriety. If he doesn't want to continue on with you after that, then you'll just have to accept that and love him (and yourself) enough to let him go.
For right now, though, live in the moment and take your mind off of it by attending lots of meetings and learning all you can about this disease, yourself, and the solutions AA can offer you. Let us love you till you can learn to love yourself. Once that happens, then you'll be ready for loving someone else and accepting their love for you, whether it's this boyfriend or another one.
cyber hugs if you like them!
-- Edited by Ellen E on Thursday 22nd of April 2010 05:22:39 PM
