If your on my facebook account please dont make any comments about it, I ask this from my heart as some certain people need to hear it from me first. I just felt I needed to share it here first... More details to come, just had to share.
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
So what are you going to do differently this time?
I want to pat you on the head and comfort you but I also want to kick your ass down the street for drinking or using or whatever the hell you did, personally I don't call it a relapse until after all the steps were worked and some serious sobriety took place, I call it "more of the same", you show up on fire for sobriety and say it's going to be different this time and here's how, disappear, get engaged, then show up saying you relapsed.
What became more important to you then your sobriety? Because sure as the sun comes up tomorrow that is what you will lose first you keep drinking.
Congratulations on getting engaged by the way but it's time to get serious if you want a wife and family, if you want to be a husband and father that is a serious responsibility that takes some "manning up" it aint all hearts and flowers, ask Aquaman
I like you, hence the asschew, sorry but reading this upset me, time to suit up, show up, say what you mean and mean what you say and stop f#%ing around and get a sponsor and work the steps, that's if you want to get sober, if you want to keep drinking at least have the decency to leave that poor girl alone and let her find a man who will be there for her and the children.
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Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a night, light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
I came down a bit hard, I would like to say I am sorry, but I'm not, I yelled at you because I really like you, and I would like to see you succeed and get sober.
This is life and death stuff, and in your case not just your life you are holding in your hands, you hold your fiance's and your child's life in your hands as well in a very real way.
Steve, from what I gather, you have tried sobriety a few times, and this relationship a few times and it hasn't seemed to work.
Can you allow yourself the possibility of working the steps? of making your sobriety your priority for awhile rather then your relationship? Of making the commitment to yourself of making it to step 12?
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Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a night, light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
AGO, the last few weeks for me have been surreal. The fiance is not the ex you may be thinking of, the one that had my kid and sent me to jail. This one is a ex from my past when we were high school sweethearts and recently met on facebook a few months ago. We were together and planned a marriage 10 years ago and she got pregnant and we took a test and the kid was not mine. I have forgiven her since as we were both teenagers and we were broke up at the time of conception. Since then she had 2 other kids. And I had my son with my last ex of 9 years. When me and the current fiance reconnected I felt she changed, we got a place together and have been doing good. I was the one that suggested having a beer and things went downhill. I tried to go to a meeting here in my new town today but it was nothing like my old ones in my other town. I found some other meetings a bit out the way that are supposed to be more open and casual as my others were. I did personally hope you would respond here as you have seemed to almost be like a father figure to me. I appreciate your concern and if I did not come here and share I would not be honest and from the program I do know I need to be as honest as I can. I have tried the program a few times now, had 2 sponsors, been up to step 4 and stalled. I have a lot more to share about how I came to this point but I need time to reflect. I also need a new sponsor. I think I heard somewhere that you need your sponsor to be local. If that is not true I would love to ask you to be mine. Steve
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
do you have Skype? or a similar voice comp app? or ATT cell phone with free mobile to mobile free long distance?
I will do whatever I can to help until you find a local sponsor and some good local meetings, email me at FB, I have to tuck "she who must be obeyed" into bed myself right now, but will be available tomorrow
don't drink between now and then little brother even if your ass falls off
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Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a night, light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
Hey Steve, thanks for coming back. I the key word that jumped out at me of your posts was "STALLED", because I like planes and stuff.
A plane that is stalled will crash, unless the pilot can RECOVER the stall. Some stalls (such as where you have insufficient altitude) are game over, thanks for playing, but most aren't.
Often stall recovery can simply be a matter of picking up AIRSPEED (in a glider, all that means is stick FORWARD). See what I mean? Get going with this program again pronto, and you won't crash (at least, that's what happened to me).
Keep coming back dude!
Steve
PS Please don't rely upon this as aviation advice. I'm not a pilot (yet -- but I am learning to fly gliders in recovery, thanks to AA). ;)
Steve, you already know, we are in this "coming back" thing together here, with a host of other folk who made the same sh#tty decisions we did. Well, I give you a big hug right now, and we can either trade slaps upside the head or just stick around and help ALL of us to grow and learn from our mistakes.
We sure are lucky we are alive, too, eh?? I had 2.5 years for the second time, and guess what??? Like the man said in reply to your post, it's time to GET SERIOUS for a lot of us. I know what it's like to be obsessed with relationships, and that never kept me sober, and it sure didn't make me make any other good decisions either. Pot yelling at the kettle here, but i am 38 years old and going through a divorce and you know what? I am HAPPY that I never had kids with t his man and have to now drag kids through my screwing up and having to get serious YET AGAIN.... Please follow some good man's advice and focus on you for awhile.... I intend to do same in my own little apartment on my own again which I call my "sobriety sanctuary", just me, God, my dog and cat, and my sponsor dropping by regularly. May sound boring to some, but i call it Peace and Serenty on the way, and plenty of it to come for this girl, one day at a time!!
Joni
P.S. maybe too late to say this, but my ES&H with facebook, although I totally am in contact with my AA friends on FB, I don't make sobriety announcements and all there, nor do i post about much recovery stuff, mostly do that one on one in the messaging.... because I have a lot of other friends and family on FB who don't need to be used to knowing all my sobriety business 24/7, y'know?? There's a lot of CODA that goes on in family as well, so I just keep it "social" there for the most part. Thought maybe you might like to consider the same thing for your FB account, it's up to you entirely. I like to reserve MIP for the "let it all hang out" sobriety stuff...
-- Edited by jonijoni1 on Monday 19th of April 2010 03:28:07 AM
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Ok steve, are you ready to embrace, accept and believe step one or do you need more self punishment?
Are you powerless over alcohol or do you still think you can control it?
is your life really unmanageable or do you still think you can control everyone and everything around you?
Answer these questions honestly with a sponsor. then when you understand, accept and believe step 1 for yourself, reaffirm it every day. Then move on to step 2.
In my limited experience, don't pick up the first drink. Go to meetings. Be known to people. Stick with the winners. Get a sponsor. Work the steps with that sponsor to get well. Get phone numbers and cross check your thinking with people who know how to stay sober. Above all, WANT to be sober, because if YOU don't WANT it, you won't WORK to GET IT.
Love, Bill.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
You say you have never made a year due to numerous relapses. You also said you stalled at step 4.
Sounds like you may be dancing the AA Waltz. It goes 1,2,3 slip 1,2,3 slip
My experience was in order to get and stay sober I had to do things I did not want to do. This especially included steps 4 and 5. My experience also was once I worked these steps with a sponsor I felt like a terrible weight had been lifted from my shoulders and I started to feel free for the first time in my life.
Steps 1,2 and 3 seem to be always followed by a relapse without step 4.
Larry, ----------------- The vision must be followed by the venture. It is not enough to stare up the steps - we must step up the stairs. ~Vance Havner
I've never liked the term "relapse" for some reason. Maybe it just sounds too "beyond my control" for me - like the person is saying, well this just happened to me. I prefer "went back out", because that seems to just put a bit of the responsibility on the person - it has more of an action to it. "I went"
Someday I might go back out too. If I do, and I come back, I might get a bit ticked off if another guy in the program quibbles with me about the way I describe what happened. But then again, that might be good for me.
This shocked me. I would not have pinned you for relapse. Don't want you to feel ashamed but I would like for you to get this program and not sabotage yourself. Steve...I SWEAR...no matter what other mistakes you make, who you marry, move in with, where you go...If you just give yourself time sober and stay in the program life will get so much better and you will learn to accept things and be a happier person. You need to just not drink no matter what okay? No matter what! Stop sabotaging yourself. In support, Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
OK.... I have to say I'm very shocked at some of the replies you've received here. They sound a little- a lot- judgemental, to be honest.
We relapse because we are alcoholics. That's what we do. When you want to stay sober more than you want to drink, you'll surrender. For me it took doing things EXACTLY as I was told. Find a few groups I liked, join more than one, call my sponsor, ask for help, and do 90 in 90.
Don't beat yourself up. As someone on this board once told me, your higher power has already forgiven you, so you should forgive yourself as well.
I am not finding anything judgmental here. Relapse is not "what we do" and absolving oneself of all personal accountability is not the answer to finding sobriety. Yes, there is surrender to God involved here, but there is much work to be done by the individual. "WE" do not relapse. "WE" stay sober by helping each other. To say we relapse because we are alcoholics is the biggest copout ever.
Anyhow, keep coming back and things will sink in and click. Relapse is not something you want to keep doing though. It is dangerous and not something to make excuses about.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I am not finding anything judgmental here. Relapse is not "what we do" and absolving oneself of all personal accountability is not the answer to finding sobriety. Yes, there is surrender to God involved here, but there is much work to be done by the individual. "WE" do not relapse. "WE" stay sober by helping each other. To say we relapse because we are alcoholics is the biggest copout ever.
Anyhow, keep coming back and things will sink in and click. Relapse is not something you want to keep doing though. It is dangerous and not something to make excuses about.
Mark
I fully agree. Relapse is not what we do. After coming to AA relapse is a choice, not a requirement.
Larry, ---------------- I am no longer a victim of this 'disease', if I pick up a drink today, Im a volunteer.
Oh, OK. My bad. So it IS ok to be holier than thou when someone cops to a relapse? Got it. Sure will make that part of being sober that much easier, I'm already very, very good at judging other people.
No disrespect intended towards you or Sober Steve. Just that I have learned from people coming back that slips don't just happen like stepping on a banana peel. Some thought happens before the drink is picked up. An unwise choice is then made.
I apologize if you were offended, I certainly did not intend to.
Larry, ---------------- We get a *daily* reprieve, based on what we do *today* for our recovery
No disrespect intended towards you or Sober Steve. Just that I have learned from people coming back that slips don't just happen like stepping on a banana peel. Some thought happens before the drink is picked up. An unwise choice is then made.
I apologize if you were offended, I certainly did not intend to.
Larry, ---------------- We get a *daily* reprieve, based on what we do *today* for our recovery
Look, Larry is a "factory model" which means he had the grace to get and stay sober from Day one at AA, I didn't have that, but he and Pink Chip are SPOT ON
I DRANK twice since coming to AA, I don't even call them "slips" or relapses"
A "slip" or a "relapse" is when an alcoholic drinks AFTER working the 12 steps
It's like going to a doctor for cancer, then not doing anything he says for the treatment of said cancer then saying your cancer just popped up again for no reason, "Gosh, it was in remission, I went to the doctor, I don't know WHY it came back"
Self knowledge and self will help keeps us from relapse with the same success rate as they keep us from having diarrhea or diabetes
In other words "not at all" so personally I don't call having an untreated disease rear it's ugly head after fuck-all has been done to treat it, a "relapse" but that's just me
The first time, I started "secretly" entertaining the idea I could return to normal drinking after a period of sobriety after watching 2 friends go back out, and it went OK for them, they are both still drinking today 16? years later.
They are "hard drinkers" (now) not alcoholic
I had to learn that was not the case for me, I suffer from an utter inability to learn from the experiences of others, that is good and bad, mostly bad, when I am good at something it is because I have made every mistake there is to be made at that particular thing, then invented new ones.
The second time I stopped working the program and attending meetings while living and working with my family, 3 alkies and a junkie, this is not recommended, after 3 years I was batshit crazy and qualified for AA and Alanon. Some thought happens before the drink is picked up. An unwise choice is then made.
Larry is spot on, and without the spiritual awakening from the 12 steps the same choice will continue to be made, without it life gets so uncomfortable one of 3 things goes in ones mouth
1. A Gun
2. A Drink
3. One's Pride (as in you swallow yours) and actually do the work necessary to stay sober
It's that simple, candy coating this LIFE AND DEATH disease and giving hugs and chips for relapsing KILLS ALCOHOLICS!!!!
If you want what we have and are prepared to go to any length to get it, we are here, if you are not, go drink, it's that simple
We Love you either way, just one way we watch you die
slowly
and take everyone around you with you
Shit these folks are gentle, this is the speech my sponsor gave me on my first day:
Me: Will you sponsor me?
Him: Are you prepared to go to any lengths?
Me: Yes, Please help me
Him: you don't get to be a little bitch ANY MORE, you have identified yourself as an alcoholic in the program of alcoholics Anonymous, that means you have admitted the problem, you have told the truth, you don't get to use that as an excuse for your bullshit behavior ANY MORE, from here on out, you need to mean what you say, and say what you mean, you don't get to lie any more, you've gone through your whole life lying, and it stops here, it stops with me, I'm the one person in the whole world you have to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth to, and if you have a problem with that, go find another sponsor, I got no problem with that, after you practice with me for awhile, you maybe will learn how to start telling the truth to others, all we have in this life is our word, it's the single most important thing that defines you as a man, and if your word is no good, you are no good, so it's time to rebuild that starting now. The fact you have admitted to God, to yourself, and to a group of alcoholics that you are an alcoholic means you don't ever have to take another drink again, you don't have any excuse to drink ever again, and if you do, it's because you lied to yourself.
He was spot on, both times I DRANK it was on a lie, a lie I was telling myself
-- Edited by AGO on Wednesday 21st of April 2010 08:39:52 PM
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Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a night, light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
I like what your sponsor said, sounds a lot like mine. I needed a sponsor that would not put up with any BS from me. All I knew coming into the program was how to BS and manipulate people. My sponsor stopped that immediately and save my life in the process.
Larry, ----------------- When you sober up a horse thief, all you have is a sober horse thief.
Hey Steve, I'm kinda late to this one as I'm working on my mountain home. I gotta say that I got nervous about all the changes you've been going through in the last month or so with moving and new (old) girl. You must of missed the suggestion to beginners to stay out of relationships and don't make any major changes in the first year. This might have been said here already, I didn't have time to read the whole thread.
