Wow.  Yesterday was a close one.  Even though I made it through the night before, I was still feeling a bit stressed.  Not feeling like I had connected at either meeting the past two days had been hurting more than anything.  I think if that happens again, I will need to try call someone.  Anyhow, yesterday we had a deadline at work that I had totally forgotten about.  There was nothing I had to have done or anything, it was just an incredibly busy and stressful day.  As I noted yesterday I was in NO MOOD! 

I don't remember my rationale for it, according to my brain at the time, great wrongs had been committed against me.  Despite my previous protestations, I decided that there was in fact a God/higher power, and it was telling me to drink!

I had been looking forward to this AA meeting, Rhinelander, since I had gone to the one on Monday and met a lot of people I felt comfortable with.  I told myself I should still go because I LIKE that meeting and after I f*%# all this up, I will be able to go back that much sooner because I am comfortable there, and hopefully this will be a reminder.

When I got there, a girl I had met last time and felt comfortable with (she is the definition of the word serene, just talking to her calms me down a lot.)  So since I was early I ranted to her about the past few days.  She circled some meetings she thought would be good for me and told me about one for tonight that is her home group and invited me out to dinner with them after.  I REALLY wanted to go to dinner with her and other sober people as I haven't done that yet.

At the same time I was sitting next to her in the meeting listening to an amazing speaker.  Her story was very different from mine but I liked her.  At the same time I was occasionally tearing up as I felt sorry for myself and was choosing which brand of wine I was going to buy and whether one bottle would be enough... (is it ever?)  And well, since I was going to do that, I should probably go to that going away party at the bar the next day (today) and see my friend off properly...  And then it would be the weekend and who gets back on the wagon on the weekend? 

All the while thinking to myself how pathetic it was that I couldn't make it four days.  And if I couldn't make it four days how would I ever get and stay sober?

The speaker finished.  It was a beginners meeting so they asked for those counting days to say how many they had.  I did and as usual had the fewest in the room.  People shared and I sat on my hands.  About five minutes before the meeting was supposed to end, a man who had come in only ten minutes before said that he had 83 days and that he was scared and had called his drug dealer earlier.  The bank was across the street from the church and he had been on his way there and remembered there was a meeting here.  He had come instead.   He looked absolutely miserable.  But it hit me like a hammer when he said that. 

I raised my hand in the last minute of the meeting and thanked the speaker and shared about my past couple of days and what I'd been planning.  Also shared the fact that I hadn't been able to pick up the phone and call anyone.  Tons of people came up after and told me how amazing it was that I would speak on my fourth day.  Plenty of great women took MY number as well as gave me theirs and just generally talked to me and made me feel a lot better. 

By the time I left I was thinking, "Well, it's 8:30 already...  Am I really going to throw away these four days for only two hours of drinking?  That's not enough..."  Not the best thinking but it got me through.   On the way out, I asked the girl I saw at the beginning who I like and who calms me to be my sponsor and she happily agreed.  She walked me home and I am going to a meeting with her and to dinner tonight.  I feel so much better today and SO relieved.  I am going to start calling people and working the steps with my sponsor and I think that will help. 

Just want to say thanks for all the support yesterday and everyday.

Rachel