i not sure where this belongs (maybe alanon? geeze i will have to go to more of their meetings now) and no one needs to reply but i need to put this out of me somewhere.
my hubby went to the gym then stopped at grocery store on way home. while he was at the gym i did some pilates at home.
i am almost finishing up in the sitting room when he walks in (the fridge is in the living room at the moment) and plonks the stuff in the fridge and the whole sitting room smells like booze.
he had a cider (only one im guessing?) on the way home and he must of skulled it just before he came through the door because the whole damn place stunk
i got so pissed off cause it really pressed my buttons for some reason, trying to execise and then the place stinks of booze.
He has drunken way worse before and went through a bad patch then controlled his drinking again. I honestly dont know if he has a problem or not as he can and does have only one or two. (just a while back he was for a bit drinking too much and ended up very sick on a few occasions). And well was drinking after work daily etc a while back. he stopped from fright of being so sick. then he has cut back now. and now its like. ok a cider here, a cider there. Thats what it was like before and it seemed to be getting slowly worse until he got a fright from getting so sick one time and stopped, a few ciders on the way home, a few ciders when he goes to the shops, a few ciders when i go to a meeting . but he stopped all that and now it seems its creeping back!
point is i just got so mad. I dont want to be mad. I dont want to be a raving angry woman. But i dont want to smell it in my sitting room like that.
argh it just really presses my buttons sometimes how he can drink and smells of it, makes the house smell even for a small bit.
i guess i am mad because he doesnt seem to be grateful that i dont drink. He shouldnt be grateful i am sober for me not him i know that. But I feel like its waved right under my nose sometimes. I had a high rock bottom (did try kill him once when drunk and other various bad things) but i quit before it got very bad, like i didnt need a detox or rehab, i relapsed only once and now not drunk for 10 years (ONE DAY AT A TIME, right now i am so angry part of me could march down the shops and buy a crapload of booze and drink and drink but i will not do that).
I know i am sober for me but sometimes it hurts when he drinks and i cant. and sometimes it hurts because I think ive done well to stay sober and he doesnt seem to give a hoot and stinks the house out! Like if i was a drug addict would he think its acceptable to stink the house out with that.
I know i sound whiney, he should be able to dirnk in his own house. I have read things where the opinion is it should be ok to be around drinkers in the home. But for me i find it hard. for some it effects me alot tonight for some reason it really upset me . i am not so usually upset like this. maybe its just fear that he really is "starting up his drinking again" and will end up with a problem .
i cant stand being around booze in my house, the smell of it like that just really annoyed. where other times i have seen him pissed, he always drinks one or two pints when we go out and it doesnt bother me. for some reason him drinking cider on the way home tonight did.
-- Edited by slugcat on Monday 12th of April 2010 03:18:15 PM
-- Edited by slugcat on Monday 12th of April 2010 03:20:09 PM
truthfully I found help with my being affected by anothers drinking from finding "double winners", sober members of AA that attend Al-anon
I have never minded if my significant other drank, or if anyone drank actually, although for the most part I have dated sober women for the last 20 years, so I can't offer you direct ESH with being bothered by the actual drinking, it was all the lying, evasion, inability to accept personal responsibility, failure to see ones impact on others, dealing with conflict by attacking, and just the nonstop LYING LYING LYING etc etc ad nauseum that accompanies alcoholism that brought me to my knees, not the actual drinking, but I was affected by family members drinking and my codependency brought me to my knees and caused me as much anguish as hard or harder then my own alcoholism ever did, and actually was a pretty significant contributor to last time I picked up after 7 years of sobriety.
Having a mother that had no problem throwing her own children under the bus in pursuit of her sick alcoholic lifestyle and then pulling out the helpless victim card whenever confronted with her behavior about drove me around the bend.
My codependency cost me my business, my life savings, my relationships, my girlfriend, and 4 years of my life and after 4 years ended up with me homeless and jobless couch surfing because I made the mistake of trusting my mother, an alcoholic.
No bottom like a sober bottom, those people helped me as much as AA ever did, but I repeat, I needed to find "double winners" people who had worked the steps in both programs.
I was stark raving sober insane, and then start raving insane drunk, my codependency almost killed me, so I get it, I understand what you are saying, they (the double winners) saved my life.
For me the entire answer turned out to be in the third step, pages 60-63, LOL
-- Edited by AGO on Monday 12th of April 2010 03:35:19 PM
__________________
Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a night, light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
thank you AGO for the good advice and caring. I didnt want to psot because i know i sound bratty and whiney and i am scared of getting told off about it really.
I will keep what you said as very important and will try find some double winners. My sponsor used to goto alanon before she went to AA. I wanted to ring her but its late and i know shes got a lot on her plate. I actually spoke to her earlier but she shes got a lot of stuff on herself right now so i didnt mentioned it. I think it wouldve been better if i had told her huh. whats that about. I guess last time i spoke to her about similar she said she reckons he has a problem and that i need to get to some alanon meetings (and have I? no, well only one then he had stopped so i thought oh i am making a mountain out of a molehill hes not got a problem).
Maybe he hasnt got a problem with booze but i cant handle being married to a drinker? A normal drinker who likes booze but isnt an alki? Can people go to alanon for that?
Hes not a social drink i know that because social drinkers dont drink on their own but dont know if hes got a problem, i know its MY problem so i guess i had better get to some meetings for it.
But i wonder if its more because i cant drink myself that i am upset, not so much that he has a problem. In which case i need more AA meetings i guess LOL. Oh man my head is spinning i need to talk to my sponsor huh.
Thank you for listening and posting. I will text her now and ring her tomorrow.
thank you i will get to some meetings and i guess openly share i am in AA also and put it out there in the meeting that i would be grateful to talk to some double winners.
thank you
-- Edited by slugcat on Monday 12th of April 2010 03:37:30 PM
-- Edited by slugcat on Monday 12th of April 2010 03:42:55 PM
It's worth addressing, I got sober again a little over 2 years ago, worked the steps around it, and "ran away from home" about 18 months ago (thank God for my real friends in AA that put up with me, helped me, let me stay on their couches and helped me find work and a place to live, nice to have real friends) but I still aint all the way "right"
I have an underlying deep anger that startles me when it appears, which is better then the first six months or so after I left, when I wore it on my sleeve, I am still repairing and rebuilding myself and my life 2 years later
The funny thing?
When I moved back home I found out how common it was for us to go under from "codependency", I was able to pass on what I had been learning from alanon to at least 20 of my friends with 20+ years of sobriety, they were easy to spot in meetings, with how their eyeballs rolled in their heads, and when you asked them how they were they'd tell me about their husbands/wives.
They literally couldn't tell me how they were doing, they literally couldn't talk about anything but their sig others when asked about themselves.
It's worth getting help for, codependency takes us OUT.
I remember coming to meetings when I was young hearing "scratch an alkie and find a codie" and I thought they were crazy, I was like "look, I just want to be mellow, fornicate on occasion, and have people be cool with me you know, or maybe just have a healthy relationship"
Took me a couple of years to figure out why they'd always burst into laughter
That's what we all want
Little did I know what was waiting for me..........
__________________
Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a night, light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
Never a need to worry about venting, the reason for the Board, if a Recoverying Alcoholic or anyone that is not recoverying at the moment, Venting is what is IS ABOUT.
Well I for one, dont fit the mold of what we should be able to endure....I really did not want to leave my last husband, well I did want to come home to California, from Seattle and Portland Badly, but it was his daily use of Pot. He was/is an Industrial Designer, worked out of our house on Mercer Island, now going back to my train of thought..... and over the years was always preaching to me that it helped him be creative, and also always pleading with me to switch from the Alcohol to Pot.......anyway, when I came back for a trial run on a new beginning, going back to Portland, I had over a year of full recovery in me, and some good months with it. So now when I would come home, smell the pot, see his glassy eyes, everynight, and his Swearing it was not so, I simply gave up.....waited for a few months, this time making permanent move back to California....
So my hat is off to anyone that has new or long term, 10 years is long term to me, that the Book recommends being able to handle it, just makes me scratch my head, I could not do that, no way, no how.
What about a sit down conversation with him about how much it stirs up so much negative emotions, fear of relapse or the anger....he is not going to know how you feel, unless you tell him, right??
And to AGO sure can relate to that Coda stuff, Just as is stated in the first page of that great book, Co-Dependant No More. It states, do not take this lightly....codependency KILLS.
I was also severely codependant, and until the Program did not have a clue as to what that meant....
Probably know this, but when we are growing up and in a "normal" setting we learn to become independant individuals, but most of dont do that. Then recovery and real independance begins to blossom, and finally we get close to the Ideal. which is two individuals that have been come independant, and can share a very healthy Inter - dependancy......when the relationship is of a healthy intimate nature.....
Hope this last paragraph did not get off track, just something I wanted to throw into this Post.....
Going to Alanon was a good thing for me. My sponsor had me go to Alanon and my wife did not even drink. He knew what I did not. I needed to go to see first hand what effect us Alcoholics have on our significant others. It was a real eye opener for me and helped me immensly with my 9th step with my wife.
Larry, --------------- Forgive all who have offended you, not for them, but for yourself. ~Harriet Nelson
Aloha Slugcat...It's kicking your buttons because it is important to you and then the disease still doesn't care does it. It will take what it can get, Him, You, separately or together drinking or not. The definition of alcoholism that we use to ready before each Al-Anon meeting (yep I'm one of them also and it saved my butt for 9 years before I properly entered the front door of AA) is that it "affects every one it comes in contact with..." Its affecting you and if you want to sit with others who have been affected just like you are being affected go to Al-Anon...all meetings are open meetings except for those marked "closed" just like home. I read your post and I can easily run it thru the Al-Anon filter. Expectations of a drunk; wanting "normal" from it. "Normal" for me from inside the disease was "Ab-Normal". The last word of the second step is Sanity just like AA's second step. The requirement of a Higher Power to get it is the same also.
Like Toni invited...Vent On!! We'll hold you in one place until your done so that you do go find something to do him in. Thats progression.
I learned it was okay for me to pick up tantruming to help me release pressure built up from the insanity of this disease. Ever watch a fully grown adult male person act like an angry child? It works. I don't care what it looks like.
. but he stopped all that and now it seems its creeping back! 