To all my brothers and sisters here, sure hope more that anything, I will not offend in any way as to the nature of this Post.
My first thoughts were "Well certainly cannot a Post about it, I do not share this in meetings, only with one other person, that has a very ill child.
So here goes, as most of you know I have two sons, one a successful practicing Pychiatrist in San Diego, living a wonderful and florishing life.
Then I have another Son, my youngest that developed severe Scitzophenia at 21, when he was in his second year of college, he dropped out, his words, he needed to go find his life....and soon discovered that many many drugs enhanced his new illness, as some know, mentally ill people do not think they are ill, just more enlightened. Well that is his view, and when both his father and I could not get him to get a job, or settle in to a place to live, all paid for, he moved around every six months, his dad bought him a beautiful red little truck, and that was trashed in mabye 6 months. Then he went on the Lamb, I dont know if that is what you call it, he just went away to God knows where, homeless now, and stayed homeless, living with the druggies on the streets in Sausalito, California, panhandling for drugs, gave up bathing. Then he wrote a rather sexual letter to a young girl that would go to a Library in Sausalito, and this young girl freaked out, with good reason, took the letter home to her older sister, and David was arrested for being a Sexual Predator with a minor....had a trial, and was put on Probation for this offense, with a dire warning from the Judge, Get a Job, and fullfill all your probationary rules or you will be right back here to serve a 6 year sentence. Well aws a severely disturbed yourng man with an active schizophenic mind, he was also instructed to see a Pychiatrist to get some treatment. He did go to one appt. and this Doctor put him on an Rx for anti depressants, not anti pychotics. and the job issue, his Dad knew a ton of business people in Tiburon CA, so he found my son two Jobs, one cleaning bathrooms at the San Francisco Yaucht Club in Tiburon, David left that job, reason, People were telling him 'what to do." Second job, he never showed up for, and then with the threat of not fulfilling his probabtionary rules, he was extremely tensed up about being locked up again.
Then came a significant night, he went to his Dad;s house to collect his things, he was going to go to Arizona, and got into a argument, a very heated argument with his Father. Sadly his Father did not understand that when a Schizophenic person is that stressed, you first stay out of their way, and dont make waves... well the unthinkble happened, David attacked his Father with a knife, a brutal attack to the man that was a very decent man and a wonderful loving Father. This attack ended with the Death of his Father...... The brutality of this act cannot nor will never be spoken of here. or elsewhere, only in private safe theapy, it triggers major PTSD in me.
So then we will fast forward to the two trial, one for Second Degree Murder, and the second trial for the insanity defense.
Hi was found guilty of the first charge, and on the Insanity defence he lost. Did not meet the two criteria of that defence.
So that is the background and the fate of my Son David. It has taken time to settle in to some sort of communication, he has never shown any remorse for the crime, and when I talk about this to his Brother that seems to get what I dont. He just says. Mom, he is mentally ill....
So as the years have passed, we have come to a sort of as pleasant as could be expected - agreement. that we talk every Saturday, when for several weeks, 6 total he just stopped calling and of course it bothered me tremendously , what happened, did I say something that upset him so badly. probably not, I am alway cautious with my words, and if he is coming from a dark side of his illness I will excuse myself and get off phone. simple put cannot handle that stuff.
Then at last I got a letter from him, saying Mom, so sorry, I know you have probably been very worried about me
....I felt such a sense of relief......and was so so happy to have this letter in my hand. then he added,but I had refused to allow one cellmate, and was put in somewhat of an isolated place away from others.....started feeling so very frightened for him again. .....then he closed his message, with "Dont want to scare you but I believe......xx and sssss are figuring out how they can take my life.
We can handle so much in life, and they say God does not give you things you cannot handle, well I did a shout out to my HP, this morning with I can, but my pychi cannot.....
Wrote a long letter to a sister here about the letter, but it has weighed so heavy on my heart. Triggering all that PTSD stuff. If anyone knows how PTSD feels when it smacks up hard, well you would have to know it to understand. Cannot function really only to take care of my person, eat some food, and wait for this to slowly pass.
I hesitated Greatly on Posting this, then my thought were Well I am a true blue Alcoholic, and I have this Board for when things are good, and also when thing go so sideways, you can barely remember things, like oh yeah, I have got some bills to pay.
So Dean and Daniella, if this post is not appropriate, just delete it if you want, I would truly understand. and sorry this one is just a Heavy one.....but no matter what I am sober, and plan to be sober today, with his Grace, and then look and seek his Grace in the morning.....God will help me throught this, and he does not mind one bit it i yell at him once in a while. He big enough to handle it. Just in the same way a real father would, and HE is that to me, a real FATHER. And Thank You God for the courage to make this Post.
Love and hugs,
Still just you little sister here. doing it one day at a time. and like that song went long ago, some days are diamonds, somedays are stones. Sometimes the hard times won't leave me alone.
No longer afraid. God is siting right here with me!
Toni! Thank you for sharing that and hopefully freeing yourself.I will pray diligently for your peace of mind and am thankful that you have a God that can bring you the peace that surpasses all understanding.My heart and prayers go out to you..In support....
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Hi Tony, Thanks for sharing your pain with us. God's grace is upon those of us who are troubled. "Come to me all of you who are heavy laden and burdened, I will give you rest."
I suffered so many years, even after I got sober in AA. I was restless. I could not find peace until I took up His offer and invitation to rest. My simple prayer was "I am tired Lord. Just let me rest" and it was granted. Bill W. spoke about Pain being the touchstone to progress. Whenever I hurt, my fellow travellers hurt also. You are not alone on this journey.
God's grace is more than sufficient for us and it's given to the humble. God bless. Gonee.
{{{{Toni}}}}} words can't describe my condolences and sympathy. Our family has been tested as well. My older brother (52) is autistic and mentally challenged. He's neither a danger to anyone or himself but there were a lot of dark years that he spent in mental institutions getting abused and over medicated locked up with the most severely insane and often criminally insane. Their was a time when I fantasized about getting locked up where my brother was so I could kill a few of these abusers (inmates and staff) but my fear was I'd be put somewhere else. My poor mother (79) still lives near the group home my brother resides at. It's really deprived her of having a life and being the good codependent that she is, has probably felt his pain more than he has.
Toni- I admire your faith. You're a strong woman and so giving... you deserve to feel comfort in such a terribly difficult time. Mental illness is tough, as is forgiveness. My husband's alcoholic, bi-polar, best friend shot himself in the head three years ago. He lived and still drinks. Forgiveness hasn't been easy for us; we haven't spoken to him in quite a while. Having a strong faith during times like that are so helpful in mental health and I'm glad to see you embracing it like you are. With love, Laurie
From the deepest part of my heart I thank you for listening and in doing so with your heartfelt Prayers, lessening this burden.
Dean, when I spoke to his brother, he said he got the same letter, of isolation, and of the threat too. When I spoke of it as being almost unbearing for me to take in, his words were, well I am his brother, you are his MOM, so that is why you feel that way. Dean appeciated you telling me about you own poor dear brother. It does helps, doesnt it to know that many many families have these horrifically sad sad stories in their own families.
Gonee, thank you for that great reminders. I have always believed that right in the center of our Pain, is where we will find God. Could "feel" a presence.
I was out driving, doing some errands, and there was a tune in my head all though my errands. Was not in song form but in word form that I completely understood, Dont even know the title of the lyric, but it was HE LIFTS ME UP, AND HOLDS ME UP UPON HIS SHOULDER, HE LIFTS ME UP .....TO BE....MORE THAT I CAN BE.....I do wish so much I knew that song title so I could buy and listen to it.....
Again to all my precious friends thank you.
PSTD is gone, now...oh yeah, my dishes....:) and dinner.
Love you all. Toni
-- Edited by Just Toni on Friday 9th of April 2010 08:57:58 PM
I just wanted to say that you and your son are in my prayers. I can only imagine how difficult this could be. I know partially how hard this has been for you over the past few years from talking back and forth. Letters come, then stop for awhile, then continue. I remember being on the other side, locked up. Sometimes I would go off into my other world and not want to communicate with my brother. I would write these heart felt letters of how sorry I was for the harms I had caused him. I never did get responses to those letters. I know for me it hurt like hell to get letters and talk on the phone occasionally. It was nice, but hurt too. Periods of depression were common for me. My heart goes out to you Toni.
Toni, Dear. dear sweet Toni. You are hugged...as long as you want...until you let go. Sobriety wise...damned good job keeping your HP by your side and cozying up to Him when you need His loving comfort. Your resilience in this powerful torrent is like a limber reed, where other, more rigid trees would have been swept away. Accepting the things you cannot change.
Quite awhile ago, an old-timer said something that stayed with me. They said, "At every meeting there's someone who needs to hear what I have to say in exactly the way only I'm going to say it, however ineptly I might say it, and if I'm not there and/or I don't say it, then they're not going to be able to hear it." That's very deep and meaningful. I did find that to be true. Sometimes I didn't feel like saying anything on the topic of the meeting when it came my turn, but I'd still say whatever came to me to say. After the meeting, someone would now and then come up and tell me "You know, when you said (whatever) about your child, that really resonated with me." Or something similar. I remember once it was just something I thought was very mundane, nothing at all of consequence about one of my kids, that a woman came up and mentioned to me had been very meaningful to her.
So just know that in sharing what you shared, someone somewhere may be reading it and it might be just the thing they were supposed to see you say at this time. Since it's the internet, it might be a lot of people who needed to see you say it, in fact.
I already shared with you that one of my kids spent some time in prison, too. It's such a heartache for us as mothers when we can't prevent it happening and just have to hurt with our kids through things. I had to remember that with my child, I had contributed to her problems with my drinking during my pregnancy and then what happened after that till I got sober. But we do have to just let go and let God and then He heals all the hurts in His own good time, which we may or may not still be around to witness. Just trust that that's what will happen for you and your son.
I am glad I saw this today. It just affirms for me what a Powerful HP we do indeed have. The very fact that you are walking around functioning with all you have been through, much less able to cope and live in relative peace and serenity SOBER, is testament to what sobriety is all about. Not picking up a drink. No Matter What.... and your no matter what... is a pretty big one, wehre many would have said "I can't handle this, I give up" and then pick up a drink.
But you survive, and you stay sober. And in that you are an awesome example and testimony of how to stay sober, no matter what.
All the love and prayers I can offer are going out for you today. xoxoxo
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Toni -- thanks so much for sharing. Sorry that I didn't reply to this before. But seeing this today, like joni says, just re-affirms what our HP can do for us when we hand our will and our live overs to the care of our HP. Your story of maintaining your sobriety through this is 12th step in action, big time!
