Been sober now 6 months and really gaining strength & knowledge from BB mtgs and 12 Step Discussion; been going to these mtgs on a regular basis .. but here's the kicker:
feel pressure to become a member to a home group
felt pressure to get a 3 month chip and now next week a 6 month chip
not looking forward to my one year sobriety because I'll be expected to get up and give my story... (really don't want to) I feel anxious about that
don't have much of a story, chronic relapser for 40 years.. no drunkalog
I am sort of a private person and would like to keep it that way .. but I do share in the meetings
often times feel I don't have very much to say
So what's up with all this? Do other people ever feel this way? What should I do about my concerns?
So do or don't, many of us do, I have had home groups, and I have gone without, as long as we have a group of people we are accountable to it's the same thing nearly, although, do you take commitments? make coffee? take out the trash? greet newcomers? Do you have one meeting a week you don't miss no matter what?
these were all VERY important to me strange as it sounds
felt pressure to get a 3 month chip and now next week a 6 month chip
Chips are good things, why the pressure? The chips aren't for us, they are to show the newcomer it can be done. Of course they grow on us once they start getting precious, I have one 3 year chip I have recieved twice, and given away 3 times, and am looking to get it back from a grand sponsee next year, that 3 year chip has been in my sobriety family for over 20 years
not looking forward to my one year sobriety because I'll be expected to get up and give my story... (really don't want to) I feel anxious about that
That's 6 months away, why not cross that bridge when you get to it? Have you ever gotten one year? That's putting the cart so far in front of the horse that nothing is pulling the cart any more.
If I am going to torture myself with stuff wholly in my imagination I at least try to stress about important things like relationships, imagined slights, people in traffic that deserve to die, and work stress and wondering if these pants make my ass look fat.
don't have much of a story, chronic relapser for 40 years.. no drunkalog
so? when you have tried to quit, could you? or once you started drinking could you say what is going to happen?
The reason we all tell our stories is so the newcomer can identify, a newcomer may not identify with my car crashes and crazy life with unprotected sex with anonymous strangers, as a matter of fact, the newcomer might think they aren't an alcoholic if they think those are the prerequisites, so we tell our stories to let newcomers we come in all shapes and sizes, so they can identify as an alcoholic and think "If that person, who has a story just like man can recover, maybe I can too
Drunkalogs are over rated, if you listen to true old timers they only tell enough of their "what is like" to get people in the room to identify with them, we share what it was like inside our head, not war stories.
I am sort of a private person and would like to keep it that way .. but I do share in the meetings
OK
often times feel I don't have very much to say
We all feel like that sometimes, that's why God invented the word "pass" if we get called on if we don't feel like sharing, especially if it about a topic we have no experience with, nothing worse then hearing a share start out "I haven't worked this step but <10 minute ramble> or "I don't have any experience with this but <tedious blow by blow account of this persons inner life and dreary emotional life that soon has 1/2 the meeting falling asleep as it has no bearing on the program of alcoholics anonymous>
Nothing worse then hearing someones opinion about an experience they have never had, especially when that is why the meeting exists and what it is for.
No being quiet is a good thing in a meeting
So what's up with all this? Do other people ever feel this way? What should I do about my concerns?
Well yeah, we all have rich inner lives where we stress out about stuff that has no bearing in reality, this just happens to be the stuff you stress about
I am an old man that has had many problems myself, some of which actually happened.
These are all "gold plated" problems, and I bet if you thought back to when you were drinking you remember what "real" problems feel like.
I am saying this, because I have experience with this, the first time I got sober I let the sound of my own wheels drive me crazy until eventually I was drinking, soon I had a host of real problems, and I remember it coming to me in a flash, OOOHHH, you mean back then when I lived with that beautiful girl, in that beautiful house, and had that great career where I was getting famous as a sculptor and surfing on duty, those years I suffered so greatly were all make believe problems? and now that I have lost the house and the girl and the career and I am looking at 18 months in Jail as I wreck this 150 foot tree over high voltage wires in 70 mph gale force winds, OK, this is real, if I make a mistake there is a good chance I am going to die or be maimed, and if I do live today, I am probably going to jail for 18 months.
OK, I now know the difference between real and make believe problems now, it doesn't mean I don't suffer from make believe shit in my head today, but i can tell the difference.
I see you said you are studying the steps, have you started working them yet? Do you have a sponsor? a support group of alcoholics you call to talk to every day? sobriety brothers and sisters with around the same amount of time as you, sprinkled with some people with solid sobriety to call every day?
Studying the steps is fine but we don't get the benefit from them until we work them, frankly they address most of your concerns, it's funny, we can handle the "big" stuff but what sends us around the bend is breaking a shoelace or the tedious day by day listening to our head grind us into meal over the smallest, most inane shit imaginable.
I can make the decision to drive to Mexico until I turn blue in the face, but until I fill up my car, pack my gear, and do the work necessary I will never get there no matter how many maps I read
-- Edited by AGO on Thursday 8th of April 2010 10:08:58 PM
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Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a night, light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
Yes, i have felt all of those things. Keep working it for today. six months away is far too many 24s to think about especially in the first year. I would put money on it that things are different for you when the time comes. If you are still sober and working the steps don't sweat the rest. I hem and haw about the home group thing too. Still don't have one at ten months. But I do go at least three of the same meetings nearly every week and doing plenty of service and helping out too. All in good time.
Carlotta, we all felt like that. The big thing here is to get over yourself. Bottom line is that we need to change the way that we think and do most everything. This instinct of yours to remain a non-conformist, and anti-social is exactly what needs to change. We need to follow the suggestions (all of them) that those before us did to stay sober, not pick and choose what we want and do not want to do. Having a home group and making friends in the fellowship, that we get together with for extracurricular activities, is essential to our growth and learning how to have healthy sober relationships (friendships) with others. The object is to rejoin the human race and be a "worker amongst workers...." as the big book says, to be just one of a group, not above or below it. Typically it's ego that wants to separate us from the group. This "holding out" is your diseases continued attempts to isolate you, make you feel lonely, create self pity, so that you'll drink. All of these things that you mentioned sound (are) trivial, and makes me wonder if you're using a sponsor and working the steps. Can you elaborate on that for us so that we can see the whole picture?
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Friday 9th of April 2010 04:38:56 AM
A reading from march 19th 2010. talks about""SOMETHING VALUABLE TO SHARE'a simple,honest message of recovery from addiction always ringstrue'...briefly says your sitting there at a meeting,,first couple people share profoundly,next one up has you rolling in the isles with entertaining stories,next one up very in depth tradition/step work share and then its your turn!!..You probably havent been paying attention to others message as trying to think what your going to say,frozen with anxiety.You get up stumble thru a couple sentences ,thank the group and then sit back down embarrassed and depressed cause it "never seems good enough,funny enough,profound etc. but if we remember our purpose is to carry message of recovery and sharing honestly from your heart about how you are working toward recovery and things you do (makemeetings,have a sponsor,work steps,do service etc) will always reach someone.Just because we got sober or lucid doesnt mean we have become overnite orators or public speaking giants but sharing your experience ,strength and hope is always valid and someone will identify....Homegroups I believe are important for reasons stated already but for you ,may want the group to be people you feel you can interact with(keeping in mind we are sick people and will always have trying periods with each other ,but spiritual priciples should rule the day)keep trying different meetings and it will happen..Dont forget also celebrations are for newcomers to show them that the process can work.We are vessels to share that message so "its not a birthday party for you etc,but a chance to be blessed by your ability(thru God's grace) to reach this milestone and allow others to see it is not only possible but well worth doing(it saved our lives).We all have a message,that is anyone of us ,can stop drinking,lose that desire to drink,and find a new way to live...accompanied by the God of your understanding and "work' of the process you'll settle in..Congratulations on your sober time,it doesnt equal recovery but somedays it really is "our best asset" and what we hang on to, to keep us sober "one more day.!!! Remember you are a member if you say you are but membership subtly denotes action and involvement.... Have a blessed and productive day
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
The first thing that came to mind when I read your Post. I was sitting in a therapy session and this awesome therapist said to me. "Toni, if you feel uncomfortable about doing something, you don't have to do it"
Took that in and my first thought was wow, it took another human being telling me something that surely I should have known for myself. It had a great impact on me, changed the way I lived....
ok, now to your comments.
*feel pressure to become a member to a home group
I have always believed that a "Home Group" was a place that felt really good, and Wanted to make it formally or silently, my Home Group...
*felt pressure to get a 3 month chip and now next week a 6 month chip
Agree, it is for the brand new person to see, it really is for them. agree on that one. With so many years in Relapse, am stumped on why you would not want one??
*not looking forward to my one year sobriety because I'll be expected to get up and give my story... (really don't want to) I feel anxious about that
Carlotta,The not looking forward to my one year sobriety????????? That statement baffled me too much to respond. With your history and NOT looking forward to making one year..... If I was sitting and listening to a woman that drank in relapse mode for 40 years, my ears would be so on Alert and would want to know so badly how she did it.....If you are not or have not begun the Steps, the last one, "The way we keep it is ONLY by giving it away to the next suffering Alcoholic. I feel certain that when you have worked the Steps, with a Sponsor, and finally get to the last one Step 12, you will comprhend in a much better light..... *don't have much of a story, chronic relapser for 40 years.. no drunkalog
Carlotta, withe 40 years of drinking in a relapse mode, it will simply take time to understand that first, you are a beloved child of God, and as His Child you do have a wealth of one great story..not arguing with you here, dear, thinking only that Time Takes Time......
*I am sort of a private person and would like to keep it that way .. but I do share in the meetings
*often times feel I don't have very much to say
In my first year, I did have a Sponsor that I spoke to everyday, but for that same first year, did very very very little sharing, listening intently is what worked for me...
On being Private, well we do have to utterly open up to a trusted Sponsor, when working the Steps in this Program...I have this feeling you do not have one, and if not, look and find a woman that might have what you want, and ask her, this is a critcal thing, as was mentioned, it is not in the reading of the Steps, it is in Working the Steps, These beloved 12 steps are the way up and into a new life, the 4th and then the sharing with a sponsor or a clergy, you own personal baggage, these two are the "fear" ones, our natural emotion that we live with like it is related, before recovery begins,.......but produce an effect that is the beginning of a new way of looking at life, and ourselves. And the thinking is that if you are ever having a difficult time on any Step, then pause, and go back and redo the previous Step, it makes the step that was difficult......possible....and less difficult.
Big Book Meetings and 12 Step discussion Groups, fantastic.
So be gentle with yourself, sounds like you are possible being too hard on yourself right now.....something I felt under the surface here.
IN COMPLETE SUPPORT OF YOU, CARLOTTA, MY SISTER IN RECOVERY....
Hugs, and it took courage to Post this, so give yourself some credit for this Great Post, ok?
Tonicakes
-- Edited by Just Toni on Friday 9th of April 2010 01:30:42 PM
Hello Carlotta - well done on 6 months! Good for you!
feel pressure to become a member to a home group
felt pressure to get a 3 month chip and now next week a 6 month chip
not looking forward to my one year sobriety because I'll be expected to get up and give my story... (really don't want to) I feel anxious about that
don't have much of a story, chronic relapser for 40 years.. no drunkalog
I am sort of a private person and would like to keep it that way .. but I do share in the meetings
often times feel I don't have very much to say
I have been sober 8 years and have never had a home group. I have done service regularly at different groups - usually for a term of 6 months at a time. I have people who I am very close to in AA ....who know me well. I work the steps (stick to them like glue!) and sponsor others.
Maybe it's cos I'm in England but am not aware of the "chip" system operating in groups around here - well my area anyway (Manchester). I wouldn't like it as I have a tendency to obsess (and get jittery and nervous as those aniversaries came up!)- even my 8 yrs are around February time - nothing fixed. Though I qualify that with the fact that my sponsor knew the exact date I stopped! She did remind me constantly in the beginning!
Nobody would be forced to do anything they did not want to do at the meetings I go to - such as having to get up and give a story. We are all different - not terminally unique but different.
You do have a story cos you're sober today!
I share in meetings too but I won't be forced to. I share when prompted to by my HP ........and when I feel it appropriate and when what I say is going to come from the heart and not when "ordered to or expected to" by some control freak....of which there are quite a few about!
I have been bullied and chivied during my childhood and have no intention of allowing it to happen - even insidiously in an AA meeting. Suggestions are fine - I will always look openly and honestly at suggestions but NOT orders.
The fact I was left to grow at my own pace and with such gentleness and love in a couple of those groups has brought me where I am today. Today I chair meetings and stand up and speak without a problem ....but that took time and at NO time was it expected.
As ever, this is only my Experience, Strength and Hope - my journey!
Carlotta, there are not many who get a grip on their drinking i(or the program) n their 50s...most just die. There are even less women to do so...40 years of drinking is a LONG time to suddenly gain sobriety. YOU ARE A MIRACLE and your story would be great to hear I am sure. So while you sound humble, you also sound like you aren't seeing reality in that you really are a miracle.
I sell myself short a lot too. I just quit smoking a month ago cold turkey from smoking a pack and a half a day. I just arbitrarily decided to do it and stuck with it. Others are acting like I did something monumental....my family even. I don't see it as anything other than I stopped doing something I shouldn't have been doing anyhow. Only when I step back, I really see that it is a miracle due to the program because I used the same tools I learned there and I should feel good about it.
Anyhow, it's is okay to give yourself permission to be proud of yourself and to feel good about what you are doing. To recognize that miracles are happening in your life, you have to be open to seeing God is inside you now and you are a miracle!
My sponsor tells me AA is really there to help us feel good about ourselves, despite all the ego smashing and getting right sized...It is there for our health and happiness. Let yourself be happy and feel how wonderful what you are doing and have done is.
Mark
-- Edited by pinkchip on Friday 9th of April 2010 04:32:38 PM
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Thanks everyone for taking the time to write... as I read all the posts, I think my issue is pride. I am thinking I need to share my concerns with my sponsor; I have some fear going on and from all your feedback, I feel like I have sooooo much to learn. So I will be grateful for today and my sobriety and trust that the program will teach me what I need when I need it. I feel I don't see the value in my 6 months of sobriety I am a chronic relapser and have had period of 6 months, 9 months and even as long as 3 years of sobriety. I know for sure, I need to keep going to meetings and feel this will keep me from another relapse. You're right, this is recreational stress however I felt the need to share and get your perspective and your perspective has been very helpful!! Regards, Carlotta
My experience on getting and staying sober was that I had to do things I did not want to do and go places I did not want to go.
The Big Book sums it up well "IF YOU ARE WILLING TO GO TO ANY LENGTHS"
Today my thoughts are totally changed what I did not want to do before I now do willingly. Where I did not want to go before I now go willingly
Hang in there, don't quit before the miracle happens.
Larry, --------------------- An alcoholic comes apart spiritually, mentally and then physically. You put him back together again in the reverse order. You can put him back together physically in a comparatively short time. It takes a much longer time to put him back together mentally, and a much, much longer time to get him together spiritually. (Fr Hilary D.)
Carlotta, What I like about The Program is that as long as we work the steps, go to meetings and stay away from that first drink...the rest is spandex; you can stretch or shrink it to fit you, as long as you don't try to alter it.
Do whatever feels right and pray for willingness that your HP (also Spandex) will lead you where you need to be.
