Something a friend of mine wrote today along with the "Aint Life Grand" thread got me thinking
When I came into AA I started talking to a guy, I told him I lost my job.
he grinned
OK, obviously this guy was a moron, so I told him I lost my girlfriend, the love of my life.
He grinned wider.
OK, this guy wasn't getting it, So I told him she threw me out, I was presently homeless.
He was positively beaming. (what he knew but I didn't was losing all these "outside" things would maybe give the gift of desperation enough to actually do the steps, the more I tried to tell him how bad my life was, the wider he smiled)
He then told me not to worry about these things, that just keep coming back to meetings, find a sponsor and work the steps, that in step one I admitted my life was unmanageable, and what that meant was I wasn't management material. That I wasn't qualified to run my own life, all I had to do was look at the evidence.
He pointed out I was having trouble with personal relationships, I couldn't control my emotional natures, I was a prey to misery and depression, I couldn't make a living, I had a feeling of uselessness, I was full of fear, I was unhappy, and I couldn't seem to be of real help to other people
He said if I worked the steps and stopped worrying about "my problems" that they would take care of themselves. That if I straightened out spiritually, the rest of my life would fall into place in ways I could never imagine.
Every single newcomer I have ever worked with has come to AA with all these problems too. So I have always told them the same thing. Don't worry about your problems, I promise you, if you just focus on getting a sponsor and working the steps all of these problems will be solved.
They never believe me, so I tell them, go to ANYONE here, and ask them if they worked the steps.
If they have ask them this question:
If I don't worry about all my problems and just focus on going to meetings, getting a sponsor and working the steps, Andrew says all of my problems will work themselves out, they will be solved, Is this true?
Every single person I know that has worked the steps answers in a resounding affirmative.
Then I see those who come to meetings and stop drinking for awhile, and apply their will power to solving their problems, and then, when they achieve the "Holy Trinity" of sobriety (Girl, job, car) they relapse (thx to Kieth for the trinity quote) and they can't figure out why.
They come in, get 30 days, 6 months, maybe even a year in some cases, then vwoop, they drink and lose everything, this happens over and over, I have watched people do this for decades until coming to AA to get cleaned up just long enough to get something worthwhile to tear down becomes their pattern, and since they never address the underlying causes of their alcoholism, they never get and stay sober.
I will never forget going to an oldtimer once and whinging about all my problems and him telling me not to worry about them.
He said "Listen, alcoholics are great at crisis management, what we need to learn how to do is learn how to live when life gets good. If you lose your job, you will just get another one, Home, same, girlfriend same, because if you are an alcoholic of my type you have a LOT of practice with crisis management"
Truer words were never spoken, I have never suffered so much as my first 3 years in sobriety, I had a great house with a woman I loved, a job I loved (I was an on-call cliff rescue paramedic that surfed and sculpted on duty) and I traveled 4 months a year surfing living in palapas on tropical beaches.
I was miserable, I didn't know how to "do" success, and when I got it I was woefully unequipped to deal with it.
It was only after I relapsed, and my life got TERRIBLE that I began to understand the difference between "make believe" bad, and REALLY bad.
So, why do you want to get sober? Why did you get sober? What are you looking for in sobriety?
How do you deal with success? Are you any good at it or do you have a lot of "make believe" problems?
If you have worked the steps, when you stopped trying to manage your own life and just started doing the next right thing, did things work out for the better? Do you live on a less "thinking" and more "inspirational" level that seems to come from the gut now?
"What used to be the hunch or the occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of the mind. Being still inexperienced and having just made conscious contact with God, it is not probable that we are going to be inspired at all times. We might pay for this presumption in all sorts of absurd actions and ideas. Nevertheless, we find that our thinking will, as time passes, be more and more on the plane of inspiration. We come to rely upon it."
Is that statement true for you for those that have worked the steps?
-- Edited by AGO on Wednesday 24th of March 2010 01:02:06 PM
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Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a night, light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
I'm sober today, thanks to AA. Why did I want to be sober today? Deep down, I just hated drinking and what happened when I drank. But no matter how I tried, I couldn't stop drinking. I always believed that it would be different this time, that I could manage and that all of those terrible things wouldn't happen this time. That's why I came to AA to get sober.
If stop coming and working the programme, zap, that will be back, immediately. And I really don't want that meaningless, horrible life, back, today.
In my first month in AA, someone pointed out that I was drama addicted and sucked the misery out of everything. That was a tough thing to hear but I listened....I mean I really listened and it was so completely true. I had a life time of making up problems and living in drama and chaos as an excuse to keep sabotaging and drinking. I never knew there could be a way of life that was calmer, less chaotic, and more serene. I don't reach total serenity much and it's a journey, but AA has given me so much more insight and gotten me so much closer to that calmer place that I cannot even describe how grateful I am...
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
"If I don't worry about all my problems and just focus on going to meetings, getting a sponsor and working the steps, Andrew says all of my problems will work themselves out, they will be solved, Is this true?"
YES, yes, yes. And today I needed that reminder, so thank you. It reminded me of a speaker who helped save my life - June G. - who would say that she would go to her sponsor and say "I can't pay my rent this week", and her sponsor would respond "go to a meeting." The next day she would say to her sponsor "my boyfriend broke up with me" and her sponsor would respond "read the Big Book." She said it was like asking someone for the time and the would respond "it's a horse". It made no sense to her. I completely related to this, and yet now it makes perfect sense to me. I don't understand the problem, so how could I understand the solution?
Pinkchip, I think it is awesome that you could listen like that. I pray for openmindedness and clarity and love it (while hating it) when I get it.
I have to say I didn't really want to get sober when I first came to AA, and I don't even know if I truly wanted it until I was sober for a bit. It is so much more than having my so-called problems fixed, it is bigger than my problems, or even me. I can't describe it and won't try. But that indescribable thing (GOD? heehee) is why I still want to stay sober. I recently told my husband that all I really hope for my daughter is that she is happy and useful. I am tearing up right now thinking, she will (god willing) see that in her mother, because I think I am happy and useful today.
I think I handle success rather well, but I am often conflicted about what I think success is. I want to focus on the material stuff, I struggle with that often. But like I said, I am happy and useful today. I have "make-believe" problems, but they are what my friends and I refer to as "high class problems". They are generally meaningless things that fill time in our heads and give us something to talk about. I believe my thinking has become more and more on the plane of inspiration, sometimes more than others based on what I am doing with my program.
Thank you for this reminder, I enjoyed your post and the responses and needed to think about these questions.
