I went 79 days, then slipped. Let me tell you that that first slip is crucial, BEYOND BELIEF. I drank wine again, apologized and analyzed profusely and then did it again, and again and yet again and then again. It's so easy to ratonalize once you mess up once. Now it's harder than ever to get back on track but I want to do it!!!! My life is falling apart again - I'm not being honest with family or friends. Why am I such a loser? I was doing it before and loved the program. I can't believe this is happening.
I went 79 days, then slipped. Let me tell you that that first slip is crucial, BEYOND BELIEF. I drank wine again, apologized and analyzed profusely and then did it again, and again and yet again and then again. It's so easy to ratonalize once you mess up once. Now it's harder than ever to get back on track but I want to do it!!!! My life is falling apart again - I'm not being honest with family or friends. Why am I such a loser? I was doing it before and loved the program. I can't believe this is happening.
Your posting reveals a lot, you apologized and analyzed profusely neither works for an Alcoholic
Then did it again, and again and yet again and then again. Sounds like me prior to AA.
It's so easy to ratonalize once you mess up once. Alcoholics always have a reason for thier drinking and always think they know how to stop. Neither is correct.
I'm not being honest with family or friends. The program will not work until you get strickly honest, especially with yourself. We alcoholics lie to ourselves.
Why am I such a loser? You are sick not bad. You wouldn't call a cancer victim a loser would you?
Now down to the nitty gritty
1. Did you pray to God on the day you slipped and ask for his help in not drinking? I never slipped but I have taked to hundreds that did. If they were honest they all said they did not pray that day.
2. Do you have a sponsor, one with significant sobriety who has worked all of the steps? Absolutly vital to have one. By the way it does not have to be someone you like.
3. How many meetings have you been attending? At the 79 day mark I was still attending two and sometimes three meeting a day. Sound excessive? Look at #1 above, I have not slipped.
4. What step are you on? By day 79 I had completed, with my sponsor's guidance steps 4 and 5 and we went straight into steps 6 and 7. Step 4 is the beginning of the action steps. Until then all we have done is make some decisions. It takes action to stay sober. No amount of deciding to stay sober no matter how honest the attempt will work. We have an AA Waltz 1,2,3, slip, 1,2,3, slip.
5. Did you call anyone for help BEFORE you drank? The telephone is very difficult for Alcoholics to pick up but those that do call someone usually do not drink.
6. Did you get too Hungry Angry, Lonely or Tired, HALT and call someone immediatly
7. Do you really, I mean more than anything in world really want to get sober? If not it just won't work. Go back out Alcoholism is a Chronic, Progressive, Terminal illness. Chronic, it can't be cured. But all symptoms go away over time as a result of not drinking and working the steps. Progressive, it gets worse, if you live long enough you will want to quit. Terminal, We all die with Alcoholism but those that continue to drink die from it in addition to with it. My Brotherin-law died from it. Not a nice way to go.
Bottom line is if you want what we have and are ready to go to any lengths we in AA have your solution.
Larry, --------------- "It's not what I know in recovery that keeps me sober. It's what I Do that keeps me sober."
Larry covered it pretty well, if you are truly done, come find us, find someone who has worked the steps and has recovered and ask him to show you how he did it, and then do what he tells you.
You are not a bad person, you are a sick person, it's time to get well.
A good sponsor is going to be a bit like boot camp, someone you don't like is going to tell you to do things you don't understand and don't like in order to save your life after you leave.
If you are done and willing to go to any length, and are desperate enough to do it, in other words, have the gift of desperation, we can help.
If you have any lingering notions of drinking again or controlling your drinking or just trying to get sober to get your stuff back, it will continue to get worse.
Like Larry said, we'll hold the light and show you where to dig, but it's on you to pick up the shovel and get to work.
You never have to drink again
__________________
Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a night, light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
My heart goes out to you, MAL. I know where you're at and it sucks. Don't let this take away your faith that you can do it. Remember how you felt when you stuck sober. Obsessing? Probably... But not the shame I'm sure you feel now (I've felt it). Stick with it and thanks for posting... I'm SOOOOOOOO tempted right now at 3.5 weeks. I'm a wine girl myself so it helps to hear how NOT fun it ultimately is... despite the siren's song. Keep coming back!
-- Edited by runnergirl on Saturday 20th of March 2010 09:24:48 PM
Hey Mel, Thanks for coming here to get that off your chest. We're here for you and it'll work if you work it.
The times when I interrupted my hard-fought sobriety I learned a lot about humility and also that I wasn't missing anything. My sobriety is more satisfying than a drunk is.
It takes what it takes... This may very well be the last drunk you needed to stick with the program. Don't give up. Chalk it up as experience, get to a meeting and move forward ASAP! You can do this and you are not alone!
__________________
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
It takes what it takes... This may very well be the last drunk you needed to stick with the program. Don't give up. Chalk it up as experience, get to a meeting and move forward ASAP! You can do this and you are not alone!
If you're an alkie, like me, then it means that you can't stop drinking by yourself. In fact, none of the 12 steps say anything about *us* stopping drinking -- what they do say is that we can be restored to sanity and that we will have a spiritual awakening as a result of the 12 steps.
All *we* need to do is work the steps. I'm working them, and today, life is good. If I jump off the steps, then the insanity will return.
Remember the last time after you got through the Christmas holidays and then.
Just trying to refresh your memory of what was said that is so very true, the Drink, is the very very very last part of the Slip!!!
That 500 lb. telephone is for calling someone in the Program first, before picking up that first drink....
Don't know if you have heard this, probably have, One drink is too many and 40 drinks is NOT enough!
We have an allergy to the body, and combined with the compulsion of the alcoholic's mind, we are off and running.
Your words of "loser" and beating yourself up, are in my opinion the words of you disease trying so damn hard to keep you down.
Mal, when I finally was Given by my HP, whom I choose to call God, another chance at the AA Program, after over 7 years as a chronic relapser, those were in fact the same words i would use to descibe myself, and hence lead me to not one, not two, but three suicide attempts.... I was hopeless. Or so my disease told me I was.
Whn the day came, I finally found the willingness to simple give up and SURRENDER, I swear it felt like I was putting a 400 lb. Gorilla to sleep, and did he want to be put to sleep, hell no, he raged in my head, "you dont deseave this", "you need Me" (alcoholism in one of the final stages)
The AA Program taught me to learn how to simply pick up the phone, when uneasy, and I had been a real reclusive black out drunk in the end, and reaching out to someone I had meet in AA was not easy, BUT it was possible....
So with all my bla bla blas, all I have to say, is dont listen to any negative self talk, as someone else said, I ditto, if you were a cancer patient, and had gone out of remission, you would definitely not be putting the blame on your negative thoughts, right.
Stand up, just dust off the dust on yourself and start ALL over again. We are not BAD people, we are actually some pretty awesome people, you included, that do have a really really, BAD Disease. As someone else pointed out, yes, you are in the full meaning now of that first Step, Powerless over Alcohol - and our lives have become unmanagable......90 meetings in 90 days, getting lots of woman's phone numbers, and ask for a temporary Sponsor when you are at your meeting. This will fill in til you find a Permanent one. You dont have one, I take it.
Ok sweetie, hope this was not toooo long a post and you are still reading, and will close with this, "Please don't sweat the small stuff, and it's all small stuff".
I feel as I have watched you, you want this, and have the willingness....you can do this, feel that in my heart Mal.
A Gigantic Hug and sending Love and Prayers your way over across the Pond...
PS, hope you are not having the same fears of going back to meetings this time....THIS IS EXACTLY WHY THEY ARE THERE. To help anyone with a "desire to stop drinking achieve sobriety", hope and Pray that you will go tomorrow, or even better tonight.
Tonicakes
-- Edited by Just Toni on Sunday 21st of March 2010 07:30:31 PM
Me thinks you wanted to self sabotage...afraid of success perhaps? Think you don't deserve to be happy? Well...that's a load of crap. Surrender to the disease, have faith things will get better if you just follow instructions (find sponsor, listen to sponsor, go to meetings, work steps)...and get off the path of self-destruction. This is where that saying "Check yourself before you wreck yourself" would come into play.
Mark
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I relapsed a few times before it finally stuck and what I found to be true for me was that I just hadn't actually admitted I was an alcoholic----sounds dumb because I went to meetings, had a sponsor, worked steps, said prayers, sponsored others once I had some time in myself. But you know what? The last time I drank, I had said my prayers that day, was working on the steps that day, had a sponsor that day, admitted I was an alcoholic that day, but I just hadn't fully OWNED that I was powerless over alcohol and was an alcoholic.
See, I was going through all the motions and saying all the right things but when it came right down to it, I was finding excuses for why I drank and not getting the full truth-----that I drank because I'm an alcoholic! I didn't not drink because I didn't do all the "stuff". By doing all the stuff I was supposed to do, I thought I was in control and that therefore I wasn't powerless. That last time I drank, there wasn't any reason why I drank----except that I'm an alcoholic! I always heard "if you don't get a sponsor, you'll get drunk". "If you don't go to meetings, you'll get drunk". "If you don't work the steps, you'll get drunk." So I did all that stuff but I still drank!
Sooooo, although that line of reasoning may sound ridiculous, it's just an example of how sick I was back then. My Higher Power stripped me of all the control I thought I had----and what I thought was that you just admitted you were alcoholic and did all the right stuff and then you arrested your disease----that's control, bottom line, even though I didn't realize it then. He allowed me to see that there wasn't any other excuse for why I drank that day other than that I'm truly powerless over this disease and have no other reprieve other than my spiritual program and my reliance on Him.
That experience literally sobered me up and scared the pants off me because then I saw that I really couldn't do anything for myself or by myself. That this is a cunning, baffling, powerful disease over which none of us have any control. We can't just make up our minds to do all the right stuff and we'll be okay.
When I had a couple of weeks in this time, my sponsor asked me to go to Portland where the Daddy Detox of 'em all is for Oregon. A guy I had looked up to and admired had relapsed and ended up there and she wanted me to go with her to visit him. While we were there, I could hear someone howling in their detoxing state and I saw the place they put them when they first come in with a drain in the middle of the floor to wash down the vomit and whatever happens in there with jail bars to keep them in---it was right facing the bathroom so I saw that first thing when I visited it. And I saw the people coming in to get sandwiches who couldn't function anymore and were called "wet brain" by someone sitting there.
Anyway, the guy we came to visit told me something I've never ever forgotten and if it makes a difference for me, maybe it will make a difference for others, too. He said, "You know, picking up another drink isn't an event. You don't just go along with a solid, healthy program and suddenly you think, "Hmmm, I think I'll have a drink." It's a process. The wrong thinking----I call it "stinkin' thinkin'"----begins quite some time before you pick up the first one." Now, there might be some who won't agree with that. All I know is that it stuck in my mind that day and it's been extremely important to me in my continuous sobriety. I started asking my Higher Power to please help me if that process ever began so that it wouldn't continue to another drink for me and to help me see it so I could get back on track. And I decided to apply myself diligently to my relationship with Him, working the steps, reading the Big Book, working with other alcoholics, going to meetings and in general, just doing the very best I could one day at a time. I decided that if I did that each day, then each day would forge a strong link in my chain of sobriety and that's what I still do one day at a time. I don't worry about how far I'm going to get in days, months or years. I just work on today and doing the best I can with it.
When I dragged myself back into meetings feeling like a worm, having to say I drank yet again, I didn't want to but I went anyway. And I did all the "stuff" and I still do all the "stuff", but for me, it just took what it took to get me to see that I don't have ANY control over my disease. It does take all the "stuff" to help us heal and stay on the right track, so don't get me wrong. I'm just sharing what happened for me.
If I'd use the "show preview" I wouldn't have to go back and clean up my grammar and add thoughts, but I get in a hurry sometimes. I'm raising grandkids who are teenagers now and life can get distracting at times.
I relapsed a few times before it finally stuck and what I found to be true for me was that I just hadn't actually admitted I was an alcoholic----sounds dumb because I went to meetings, had a sponsor, worked steps, said prayers, sponsored others once I had some time in myself. But you know what? The last time I drank, I had said my prayers that day, was working on the steps that day, had a sponsor that day, admitted I was an alcoholic that day, but I just hadn't fully OWNED that I was powerless over alcohol and was an alcoholic.
See, I was going through all the motions and saying all the right things but when it came right down to it, I was finding excuses for why I drank and not getting the full truth-----that I drank because I'm an alcoholic! I didn't not drink because I didn't do all the "stuff". By doing all the stuff I was supposed to do, I thought I was in control and that therefore I wasn't powerless. That last time I drank, there wasn't any reason why I drank----except that I'm an alcoholic! I always heard "if you don't get a sponsor, you'll get drunk". "If you don't go to meetings, you'll get drunk". "If you don't work the steps, you'll get drunk." So I did all that stuff but I still drank!
Sooooo, although that line of reasoning may sound ridiculous, it's just an example of how sick I was back then. My Higher Power stripped me of all the control I thought I had----and what I thought was that you just admitted you were alcoholic and did all the right stuff and then you arrested your disease----that's control, bottom line, even though I didn't realize it then. He allowed me to see that there wasn't any other excuse for why I drank that day other than that I'm truly powerless over this disease and have no other reprieve other than my spiritual program and my reliance on Him.
That experience literally sobered me up and scared the pants off me because then I saw that I really couldn't do anything for myself or by myself. That this is a cunning, baffling, powerful disease over which none of us have any control. We can't just make up our minds to do all the right stuff and we'll be okay.
When I had a couple of weeks in this time, my sponsor asked me to go to Portland where the Daddy Detox of 'em all is for Oregon. A guy I had looked up to and admired had relapsed and ended up there and she wanted me to go with her to visit him. While we were there, I could hear someone howling in their detoxing state and I saw the place they put them when they first come in with a drain in the middle of the floor to wash down the vomit and whatever happens in there with jail bars to keep them in---it was right facing the bathroom so I saw that first thing when I visited it. And I saw the people coming in to get sandwiches who couldn't function anymore and were called "wet brain" by someone sitting there.
Anyway, the guy we came to visit told me something I've never ever forgotten and if it makes a difference for me, maybe it will make a difference for others, too. He said, "You know, picking up another drink isn't an event. You don't just go along with a solid, healthy program and suddenly you think, "Hmmm, I think I'll have a drink." It's a process. The wrong thinking----I call it "stinkin' thinkin'"----begins quite some time before you pick up the first one." Now, there might be some who won't agree with that. All I know is that it stuck in my mind that day and it's been extremely important to me in my continuous sobriety. I started asking my Higher Power to please help me if that process ever began so that it wouldn't continue to another drink for me and to help me see it so I could get back on track. And I decided to apply myself diligently to my relationship with Him, working the steps, reading the Big Book, working with other alcoholics, going to meetings and in general, just doing the very best I could one day at a time. I decided that if I did that each day, then each day would forge a strong link in my chain of sobriety and that's what I still do one day at a time. I don't worry about how far I'm going to get in days, months or years. I just work on today and doing the best I can with it.
When I dragged myself back into meetings feeling like a worm, having to say I drank yet again, I didn't want to but I went anyway. And I did all the "stuff" and I still do all the "stuff", but for me, it just took what it took to get me to see that I don't have ANY control over my disease. It does take all the "stuff" to help us heal and stay on the right track, so don't get me wrong. I'm just sharing what happened for me.
If I'd use the "show preview" I wouldn't have to go back and clean up my grammar and add thoughts, but I get in a hurry sometimes. I'm raising grandkids who are teenagers now and life can get distracting at times.
There was so much good in that post Ellen that I decided to quote it all. I am just now coming to the realization and admiting to myself I am an alcoholic. The part about fully OWNING that I am powerless over alcohol and am an alcoholic is a great lesson for me. I believe I still have work to do in taking full OWNERSHIP. I will continue taking lessons from the experiences of people like you, attending AA, working the steps and not drinking one day at a time. Thanks for sharing.
