We met on a psych ward. He a major depressive alcoholic, me a manic depressive alcoholic in denial. That was 11 yrs. ago. We stayed together (as much as together means with our combined illnesses) for about 7 yrs. On and off of course. I was diagnosed with cancer about 4 yrs. in. I actually took him out of a rehab to come home and care for me. He stayed sober the whole time (about a year) and we even got married with me bald and very ill. He left again the first time about 2 weeks after all the treatment ended. He was back and forth for maybe 6 mos. or a year after that. We were not sober although I didn't allow him to drink at home any longer and when he was there, I didn't either. He finally left for good, I met a man from Texas and 6 wks. later, moved to Texas with him. I am now sober 4 yrs. (with slips) and my ex is sober 5. He's doing well and so am I. I'm finally living alone and learning who I am. It's exciting and a little frightening at the same time. But I'm constantly grateful, everyday, so grateful. I have achieved financial independence and emotional security. I guard my life/my independence with a passion. Still not ready for a relationship, don't know if I'll ever be ready. It's not an issue for me. I don't feel the need to partner up with anyone anymore. I'm cool alone and that's a huge step for me. The ex found my daughter on line about a year or so ago. She considers him the only "Dad" she ever had. They reconnected and have visited several times.They both live in the same state. I'm in Texas, they are in Illinois. My daughter and he are happy to be reunited. She is getting married in Sept. and he is helping with the expense and is even officiating at the wedding. Until very recently he's been in a live in relationship with a very nice woman. She's also one of us. It was just last week that my daughter called and told me that he and she had separated and the he wanted to talk with me, wanted to make amends and would prefer to do that face to face. My 19 yr. old son came to live with me 3 months ago in order to attempt a new life. He was doing well for a while and then got restless and has decided that he wants to go back to Illinois where his father lives. My ex has offered to come here and pick him up to take him back home. He also asked if he could take me out to dinner and "talk". We have emailed, instant messaged and even spoke on the phone. We talked for 6 hours the other night about everything from homeade pie to life as a sober human. It was comfortable and really very nice. I and he have always been able to just talk and talk. He made reference to intimate things with me and that led me to think that he may have motives that I am not in agreement with. I'm feeling not at all the way I thought I'd feel if we ever spoke again. Although it was a nice talk and I look forward to more talks, I'm not in the least interested in revisiting our once "heady" love affair. I don't subscribe to fantasy anymore and I rarely trip down memory lane. Drunk together, sober now is a nice story but it's also very complicated and sounds more like an afternoon lifetime movie. We did attempt sobriety when we were married. We attended meetings and even studied together. He is (or tells me) very grounded in his home group and quite active. I have emailed him to keep this thing open and honest. I have expressed my feelings and thoughts about our new friendship. I have made clear my desire to remain single. But, I'm still feeling a bit confused. What I usually do when a predicament like this hits is amp up the meetings and let go of what I can't control and get on with my business of living. What surprised me the most is that after we got off the phone from 6 hrs. of good talk, I wasn't at all feeling that "feeling" that I thought I would feel. It was more of a, "Hmm, that was nice. Gosh I'm tired. Work is gonna be a little more challenging tomorrow." There was no, "He's back! He loves me! We can be together again!" Not even close. I used to be that person. It was easy to transfer my personal responsibility on to a man, any man. This is so new really. This time I guard my personal responsibility and get almost defensive when someone tries to come in. Maybe I'm still vulnerable? Maybe it's a slippery slope? It's something telling me to beware. Thoughts? Comments? Thanks, I'm Karen and I am an alcoholic.
What no spell check? Please excuse any mispellings.
-- Edited by karen on Saturday 20th of March 2010 07:44:11 PM
__________________
There is nobody you couldn't love once you've heard their story.
Great post! Sounds like you have a good grasp on sobriety. You are right to be cautious. You know how important amends are and they do work better face to face so you may want to allow your Ex to do this. That being said you said he mentioned intimate things that aroused your suspicions about his motive.
I have found that God often guides me by my gut instincts. May I offer a suggestion that if you do allow him a face to face amends that you set the requirement that it be in a public place, a park, a restaurant any place other than the home of a single woman.
With time your relationship may change, only God knows for sure. I know in my case doing amends with my Son and with my Ex Wife led to a failed divorce. We remarried after 21 years of divorce when I was 11 years sober, we now have been happily married this time for 22 years.
I will pray that Gods will be done for you.
Larry, --------------------- "Whenever you are in conflict with someone there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship or deepening that relationship..that factor is attitude "
-- Edited by Larry_H on Saturday 20th of March 2010 09:39:35 AM
Thank you for that and what a nice story you have. Sweet blessing.
Being alone with him in my apartment is something that I would be very uncomfortable with. I work at a local hotel as an admin. asst. and I've offered him a room there at a discounted rate. He'll be in town about 3 days and staying with me is out of the question. Since my son is not currently working, he'll be around and hopefully the issue won't be a problem. He has suggested a dinner date which is fine with me. I'm assuming that over dinner he'll want to make his amends. I'm happy to oblige him in that and have a few amends to make of my own. I'll need to do some work before hand of course.
Thank you again for you reply. I'm headed to a meeting today and am feeling more grateful for my sobriety today than I did yesterday which seems to be a trend lately. How blessed I am. Have a wonderful day, Karen
__________________
There is nobody you couldn't love once you've heard their story.
I was reading this and it felt like you were telling part of my story. I met a girl in the psych ward here in the same state and hooked up with her. Stayed sober for the duration of the relationship and we still talk and she wants to be together again and I had to say that will not happen. My sobriety is very important to me and I fail to see a reason to revisit an old relationship and try to make the unworkable work. I know our situations are very different but with some similarities. There goes some more unique-ness I thought I had alone to myself.
Hi Karen, In all honesty. I don't tend to read really long posts but you had me at;
"We met on a psych ward."
I have no directly related experience. I was the active drunk in my marriage and now I'm the recovering alcoholic in my marriage.
Strength and Hope? Aquaman's .02? Being afraid to love & trust, for fear of becoming emotionally lost or hurt is the emotional equivelant of anorexia; being afraid of eating and thereby starving to death, for fear of gaining weight.
In Accordance With AA stuff... Is he a trigger for you? Are you listening for what your HP wants for you?
That's all I have, Peace, Rob
-- Edited by Aquaman on Saturday 20th of March 2010 12:03:31 PM
Wow. Thanks everyone, this is cool. A meeting at the end of my fingertips.
Good point about whether or not he's my trigger. He isn't a trigger for me or at least I don't think he is. I haven't seen him for over 10 yrs. Speaking with him on the phone isn't a trigger. I'll have to reserve judgement on that one until I see him again.
The emotional equivelant to anorexia. That's interesting and I think quite true now that it's been pointed out. I hadn't looked at it in that way before. What's ironic here (for me anyway) is that I did suffer from anorexia just before I met him. Or at least that's what they called it. I was starving myself.
As far as what God wants for me....I'm pretty sure He wants me to pay attention to my gut, to follow the instincts that He gave me and use the brain He allowed me to retain throughout all the abuse I inflicted on it. So..to stay sober and to live one day at a time the best way I know how, using the steps and lots of Gratitude.
Thanks to all of you! Karen
__________________
There is nobody you couldn't love once you've heard their story.
Thanks for the welcome Toni. I'm happy to be here.
The ex has now changed his mind about driving down. He says finances won't allow. I'm relieved of course, but I sense something isn't being said. But, that's not my business thankfully.
It's such a wonderful thing that we only have to do this one day at a time, huh?
__________________
There is nobody you couldn't love once you've heard their story.
Yes Amen! to one day at a time, another of my very favorites is what others think, do, their opinions of me, never have to worry about that, None of my business!
Just want to tell you I was in my first year, whinning to my Sponsor about how someone said something that really hurt my feelings, My Sponsor, (she was really a tough sponsor, and that was exactly why I choose her) anyway she looked almost annoyed at my comment, and took a breath and said "Toni, other people Opinions of you....Are NONE of your business!"
Her unrelenting never giving me a break on any of my coda issues, did so very much to help heal my codependencies.
But it was her words many years ago that stuck like glue, and of course the freedom that her answer brought.
Sorry if I went on a rant about other's opinions..) Oh well, back to one second at a time, that works too, haha.
I get that Toni, oh how I get that. Minding my own business was and still is challenging at best. For the longest time I had great trouble distiguishing my business from others' business of course. Now it's not so hard to figure out but sometimes the desire to take on the business of others is still there, especially when it comes to being the Mom of 3 young adults. That's where it gets real tricky. :)
__________________
There is nobody you couldn't love once you've heard their story.
Well being the Mom of three young adults, don't know their ages, but I would have to say the rules don't apply when you are a parent, it is your business, that's my initial take.
I have children that are no longer young adults, (well in my head they are) but I sure have learned that one, I offer suggestions when asked, if I do not agree with a choice they have made, simply get out the tape, to place over my mouth Just in case, :) if I think I need to voice that......
That Tape can keep me out of trouble.....if you dont mind my asking, how old are your young adult children??
35, 27 and 19. I do the same thing. My children are a part of my life of course and to some extent "my business" but trying to manage their lives certainly is not. I get the tape out too when I need to. Watching them fall down and not rushing in with a "band aid" is necessary. They have a path to follow just like we all did and do. Live and learn, live and let live.
K
__________________
There is nobody you couldn't love once you've heard their story.
Just had to come in to this Post and make a correction of well... an omission.....when I was talking about having two children and how to stay out of their business.....I was leaving out a critical part of my life..or the life of one of my children, now of course a man....very mentally ill, however, he was found to know the difference between "right and wrong" in a Courtroom, and does not have a free life, will be inside a Prison for many years to come....for a crime that is simply too painful to write about the details of to someone that I just met.....most of the folks here know about his fate....so it was an error of omission....
Sort of strange, I believe so much in Rigerous Honesty and leaving something this important out of anything to do either of my two sons, surely does not fall into the Rigerous Honesty commitment.....I just was not up to the task, and today I am, so, not really a 10th Step, just making a simple correction to something that was just too painful to write about.
Hope you are having a good Sober Monday!
Toni
-- Edited by Just Toni on Monday 22nd of March 2010 01:58:43 PM
