I scrolled down the thread list the other day and saw mine from last week. Nothing intrinsically good comes from me drinking, and yet I do (I'm sorry even though that is worthless). I think its just a case of habit or something. I know not to drink but I do anyway as if I have no other option, or else I feel that way at least even though I KNOW i do have an option. That sounds cliche, and it is I guess. I cannot have money and not spend it on alcohol, even though yesterday I told myself that I never had to drink again. My father wants to refer me to some hotshot psych-doc in Indianapolis. What's he gonna do? Just scribe me an anti-depressant.
Why can't I have 4-6 beers? Stupid question but dammit it works out inmy head. I think I approached this whole situation awful young and thought I had the answers. Powerless?...I should know this one..
MOST OF US have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.
We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals-usually brief-were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better.
We are like men who have lost their legs; they never grow new ones. Neither does there appear to be any kind of treatment which will make alcoholics of
MOST OF US have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.
We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals-usually brief-were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better.
We are like men who have lost their legs; they never grow new ones. Neither does there appear to be any kind of treatment which will make alcoholics of our kind like other men. We have tried every imaginable remedy. In some instances there has been brief recovery, followed always by a still worse relapse. Physicians who are familiar with alcoholism agree there is no such thing a making a normal drinker out of an alcoholic. Science may one day accomplish this, but it hasn't done so yet.
We're here for you Dods. I love you. All I am going to ask you to do is to ask yourself one question and then take yourself from there. While it's true that We don't always screw-up when we're drunk...
Were you drunk most of the times you screwed-up?
I was...especially for the worst screw-ups. That's how This Drunk knew I had a drinking problem that I was powerless to control. That's when This Drunk started stopping to drink.
Sort of scratching my head, you Post title, "Titles" what did I miss....????
Just happy to see you posting....seems like you might be looking for someone to set off a spark in you.
"It's an inside Job", you know that one.... Have watched you come in, suffering and really struggling too, reaching out for some sobriety, then that awesome Post about you getting sober, that was incredible.....then back to these posts, where you simply changed your mind. It seems to me that you have not "felt" the progression of this life taking disease, there are so many yets still out there....and they are just as sure as gravity itself.
We're always here, and you are always welcome my dear friend.
Hey Dodds, keep coming back. It's not like you'll be able to set a record for longevity, in terms of time to get sober. You'll need another 50 years for that, so don't victimize yourself over that. It takes what it takes. One day you'll know that you've had you're last drink and you'll begin to work hard for your sobriety.
JustToni- Getting sober for a few 24hrs like I've done in past makes my head spin now. I can't even imagine the fortitude or resolve that I had before. The old adage of "sick and tired of sick and tired", ya know, that old "bottom theory" thing, it doesn't bother me as much as it used to. I used to be obsessed about getting to the perfect bottom, whatever that means. That will never happen in the way I want it to. I've no wife or family to spoil, been to jail, been to rehab, been to hospital. I suppose the further bottom would be more jail (most likely). That isn't something I want obviously. Seems that not drinking is only belaboring a bigger thing, like the fact that I'm probably mentally screwy. The only answer to that imo is meds and I'm not a big fan of taking a pill everyday for the rest of my life just to be functional. I've little interest in scraping by on the genius of scientists just to survive and not be a burden on others. Who is ever satisfied with themself that has to take a pill just to be reasonably productive? Living for the sake of breathing is a poor premise imo. I've been around the program for two years, and I've worked with a sponsor and I've read all the literature and I honestly think that the difference between those that come into the program once and stay sober versus those that come into the program and flail about and relapse, the difference is mental disorder. What else could it be? Lack of pain? I don't think so. Lack of desire? I don't think so. Some people are just head cases. Period. Just a thought. My brother for instance is an alcoholic. He is 33 and just went to the hospital last night for heroin withdrawal. I know for a fact that he has had intentions on quitting drinking for years and hasn't been able to. Now, he has got himself into another struggle with heroin. He isn't any less desirous to be functional or respectable, its just he can't allow himself to be because he is sick. We're not all the same, lacking the same things. The only thing we have in common is what we sought as a solution, the alcohol, the drugs. I have pined for a spiritual experience that would relieve me of my obsession and my stupid living, but alas, it hasn't happened. The meaning of words like "would, should, could"- these words have all merged. "Could" I quit drinking tomorrow and forever? Yes. But Will I is the only pertinent question, and If I Won't then Could I to begin with? If I'm not willing to then I Couldn't to begin with. As my sister asked me a couple weeks ago- "Adam, couldn't you just have a couple beers and go to bed?" Sure, I could, it wouldn't kill me or stop my heart, but the best answer to that is what "would" I do? If I "could" I'd be you, sister..and since you're asking me that question, it's moot.
Adam, I am not trying to toot my own horn here at all...BUT - I will point out that I have been diagnosed with mental disorders in the past (anxiety disorder and depression)...I do have to take medication for it to not have another depressive episode.... YET- I did come to AA, pick up 1 white chip and stopped drinking now for a year and a half. It can be done no matter what other illness you have. You do just need the desire and the willingness. When you do decide to stop drinking, whatever mental problems you think you have or do have are going to get immensely better...but it will take a period of months and years so you need to be patient.... You need to be honest and stop expecting immediate rewards from sobriety. You also need to put up with the immense uncomfortable feelings and you will probably need to literally change all surroundings, friends, the way you interact with family, and more than anything, the way you think in order to get sober. When you are ready for that....truly ready, that is when you will be willing to do anything to get sober. That is when the saying sick of being sick and tired will really make sense. Yeah...I think you've had some of it...but I don't think you've been all the way there yet. I have faith you will "get" this because you do keep coming back and you know where the answers are even if you get sidetracked at times. It is going to take radical changes for sobriety to really occur for you. Pray for willingness and to be ready to walk through your fears. For me, I was so afraid to take steps to grow up. I couldn't pinpoint what exactly I was afraid of...I think it was that I just was not capable of being a responsible and functional person, so I stayed drunk for a long time, found enablers, and only gave life minimal effort. I heard a speaker over the weekend say something I really liked Adam and I think it applies here.
Whatever fear you have, and whatever pain you are going to go through in life, as long as you follow the simple formula that AA has to offer and as long as you trust the process and stick with it, you will walk through the other side of your problems in tact and a better person, better able to help others. You don't have to drink to get through life.
In support,
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
