Jerry summed it up well. I too am a Vietnam Vet.  The hardest thing for military men like us to do is to admit we need help.   Just like step 1 for AA sometimes we have to come to the conclusion that we can't do it ourselves.

Your local VA has the resources that can help with Post Traumatic Distress Syndrom
When I came to AA I people that understood me because they had been there.   You will find fellow veterans at the VA who also understand because they too have been there.

Take the action to take care of yourself,  You are one of God's creations and God does not make any junk

Larry

-- Edited by Larry_H on Sunday 14th of March 2010 02:40:01 AM

Hey LOL, there may be a few things going on. When in situations like that, you don't have time to sort our your feelings, so they get shelved. Using alcohol and other mood altering substances or events, will make us perpetually numb to our feelings, making us indifferent and apathetic. When we get sober, our feeling start coming back and sometimes they ambush us.  We need to learn how to handle our feelings.  First off "FEELINGS ARE NOT FACTS" the don't own us and they don't define us.   Best thing to do is feel the feelings, but don't wallow in the emotionalism as that releases strong chemicals in our brain (dopemine) that's 100 times stronger than heroin. We can get addicted to these internal chemicals and the emotions that trigger them.

So sometimes when we're recalling past events, it may just be for the brain dope, so don't fall for that. If you want to resolve one of these issues, write on paper how you feel about that particular event. Then write an acceptance statement such as "that's human nature" or "that's life, glad that I survived" or "that's war, I'm one of a billion people that has experienced it" or "it could've been far worse, and I'm alive!". Put a positive spin on it and that thought will replace the negative one that's been attached to it previously at it will bond to the memory. Everytime you recall it, after that, keep putting more positive spin on it with acceptance and gratitude statements and it will stop bothering you. The opposite of this is greater deepening depression from embelishing and making it more and more negative. The human memory and subconscious doesn't know the the difference between real and imagined details. That's why when someone keeps repeating a story of a "tragic" event, and they embelish (exagerate), in the following recollection of the event, that person actually believes the exagerated (or fabricated) details, believing it wholeheartedly. We can use this
process as a tool to reduce the drama in our past events by "no big dealing" it.  We simple add positive details and gratitude for the way we got out of the situation.  We reduce the details and make the story much shorter and smaller.  We tell the smaller version a couple times and then we stop telling the story.  Someone will bring up a similar story and we can just say, "something like that happened to me one time, but it wasn't that bad". 

I don't feel that this is stuffing your feelings if you do some honest writing first, get your feelings out, and then say- "enough is enough" reliving this crap isn't doing me any good. Then begin the process of "no big dealing" it until all you remember is that it wasn't a big deal. It works, I've done it a lot. It works so well that I'm "no big dealing" events in real time now, instead of getting worked up over them. Over emotional responses to typical life circumstances are a tragic waste of energy that never stops hurting you. Most of us have a tremendous amount of baggage and all that crap have trigger to drink/drug/eat/sex/procrastinate.... over it.  They make us dysfunctional in many ways.  Imo opinion, people with chronic depression are stuck in this process and that's part of what alters their brain chemistry (continual releasing of these internal tranquilizers) buts that another discussion.   Start using these phrases - "There Are No Big Deals", "It is What It Is", "It Is, And It Can't Be Otherwise", "That's Life, Next..", "A Mere Speed bump On My Highway of Happiness"... create your own no big deal acceptance phrases and say them quick before your inner drama queen appears.







-- Edited by StPeteDean on Sunday 14th of March 2010 09:16:11 AM

Hey Jerry ,my sponsor always told me anything that affects your recovery is sharing material,where and how you share it will be something you may want to talk to your sponsor about.I also was in Navy during Vietnam era and many of my friends in the bush never came back,much good advice here about working thru this stuff.Some of the people that are still alive in my life ,either from the era or addiction have many serious PTSD,AGENT ORANGE ,addiction related situations.There is help available.Like Dean said,your here now for a reason,so keep moving forward,Our time will be up soon enough,Congrats on staying sober man,thats a giant step in "having life"Live it to its fullest Sober and carrying the message of recovery!

-- Edited by mikef on Sunday 14th of March 2010 01:43:20 PM

I was told when I got sober "don't worry about getting in touch with your feelings.....They will be getting in touch with you"

That was my experience.

I was a paramedic in an isolated area for ten years, and the things I saw in some instances were horrific, I saw many people die, many in my arms. I dealt with stuff by surfing, and talking to others with similar experience, I was sober when these things happened.

However years later, because I just set them aside and didn't really deal with them, even when I went to clinical stress debriefings, I started having flashbacks, I started reliving these events, and actually started hallucinating out of the corner of my eye, I started seeing great flashes of blood, and I would hear screaming.

There were a few instances that specifically haunted me, one was seeing a young woman getting run over by a car and being snapped in half like a pretzel, she looked like a human L, the second was a man in a wheelchair that went off a cliff (I specialized in helicopter cliff rescues) and the third was when a car doing 65mph went head on through a large group of motorcycles doing over 120 mph coming the other direction so impact was in the 200 mph range, there were bodies everywhere, people screaming etc, I went to help a young man and he was looking in my eyes, he was lying face down but both arms, both legs, and his neck were broken so he was looking at me because his head was twisted around.

It was mother's day.

I watched him die, he was so beautiful, and so young and I wondered if he had fought with his girlfriend that morning like I had, and if so, how important was it?

I watched the light go out in his eyes as I held his hand.

I did everything I was supposed to, I shared about it in meetings, I went to the clinical stress debriefings, and went through the stages of grief, bargaining, denial, anger, depression etc.

I did everything right.

Years later I started hallucinating the blood explosions out of the corner of my eye and started having nightmares and panic attacks.

OK, the only thing that helped me was talking to people that had gone through the same thing and going to therapy and talking it through.

I had been told my whole life to "be strong", to "shrug it off" to, as the Big Book says:

Page 84, paragraph 2: "When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them."

Page 125, paragraph 1: "So we think that unless some good and useful purpose is to be served, past occurrences should not be discussed."

When in fact I found this was a much more effective and pertinent suggestion for dealing with my PTSD:

"But this does not mean that we disregard human health measures. God has abundantly supplied this world with fine doctors, psychologists, and practitioners of various kinds. Do not hesitate to take your health problems to such persons. Most of them give freely of themselves, that their fellows may enjoy sound minds and bodies. Try to remember that though God has wrought miracles among us, we should never belittle a good doctor or psychiatrist. Their services are often indispensable in treating a newcomer and in following his case afterward."

I am not indispensable, as a matter of fact I would venture to say that none of us here are indispensable to treating a newcomer and following his case afterwards, however, sometimes Psychiatrists and psychologists are indispensable.

This is just my opinion based on my experience, but I needed outside help, I needed to talk to people who had actual experience with similar things.

The funny thing, is once I sat down with them, told my story and heard them tell theirs, the problem was removed. Sitting in a roomful of people that had experienced similar things, with comparable symptoms made it OK for me. Finding out others had had nightmares and panic attacks years later made it OK for me to have had those, I wasn't weak, I was hurt, and other people who had received similar injuries (mental trauma) had similar symptoms.

Once I walked through them the second time they were removed and I haven't been bothered by them or dwelled on them since.

I think it entirely appropriate to share about these things/issues in meetings, or if it isn't, I didn't care, I did so and that's one of the ways I got help. People with similar experiences talked to me after the meeting and talked with me how they walked through them, every time I heard someone else's story, it made lighter.

I don't talk about these things any more, this is the first time I have thought about this stuff in years.

LastOneLeft wrote:

---

Im learning so much from this site and the meetings.This program really is life changing stuff.
Thanks!

---

That has been my experience in recovery with AA.  It's scary and exciting.  I have to watch on the Dopamine that comes from a mind addicted to that and also numb from dealing with feelings by drinking.  I truly know that if I work with the steps major life changes have and will continue to happen.  The literature also states that we seek specialized outside help with different issues.  At the same time, the support from members is fantastic.  So glad you are coming here.

 

Jerry, the more you talk about this, the more you will get support. I really admire you for even discussing it here. You are starting to understand your alcoholism better and better already and it has not even been that long. PTSD comes on all levels...it's a relative term. In the field of psychology, we like to slap labels on symptoms so we can bill your insurance. I don't necessarily think you have full blown PTSD, so don't worry or get too carried away with that...it's a range of symptoms that fall within that experience of post trauma. Also Jerry, when I stopped drinking, there was so much pain and self-hate that came to the surface that I did go into my own therapy. I am not saying you need this. I am just saying it helped for me. For us to be in so much inner pain to need to numb ourselves to the degree we did....it is overwhelming in the first several months to have the rush of feelings and mood shifts that come when getting sober. I don't want to scare you though cuz all and all it is SO SO worth it and really, when it comes down to it, what real choice do you have? Either don't work through the stuff and stay sick or just do it and watch your life get better. You have all our support.

Mark

Jerry, my advice would be to share it when you are comfortable. You will feel great relief plus what you say may be just what someone there needs to hear to stay sober.


AGO, thanks for posting this:

Page 84, paragraph 2: "When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them."

Page 125, paragraph 1: "So we think that unless some good and useful purpose is to be served, past occurrences should not be discussed."

I need to remember those in some recent events that are happening in my life now.