Hello all. I have been home on disability for the past 6 weeks and have finally faced what I believed all along. I have a problem. Going into back surgery, the surgeon warned me my chances for recovery were hard due to my low weight. What I never told him and what I've never told anyone about was my drinking problem. I started drinking many years ago and it has spiraled out of control the past 6 weeks. I have family that doesn't care much, no close friends and feel completely isolated. I fight with myself every day to try to go to a meeting but I just can't make myself do it. Of course now I'm struggling with recovery from back surgery which I know is due to my drinking. The heavy drinking isn't new to me, I started that about 15 years ago. Where do I go from here? Is there any hope? I feel from lurking around your message board that there really is hope. I think I need some support and definitely need some guidance.
Hello Chrisin, and welcome to the board. I identify with your description of how you feel about your quality of life right now. I'd bet that most of us would. You don't have to feel like that and it does get better, the longer that you're sober. If you would call the local AA number in your town, and ask if one or two women would take you to your first meeting, they probably would. That's the way it used to work before internets and all. The meetings are full of people just like us and just like you. There the people that you like to drink with, only they've found a way to enjoy life without drinking now, and so can you. Don't waste anymore time, Give a call and get to a meeting.
I'm just so scared. How do I get past that? I realize most people think I'm a patsie because I'm afraid of my own shadow. In real life, people think I'm some incredibly strong person but they don't even know me. My 18 yr. old daughter is begging me to get out of the house. I know that she knows. She's even doing her Senior Project on Alcoholism. The guilt I felt when she told me what her year long project was going to be. I know I've had a problem since she was only 5 years old and she's had to grow up around it. I feel horrible but I'm just so scared.
If you want what we have just do it.... Its here and free... The fear and anxiety goes away, I was the same way and am on day 41 now and never felt better... It works if you work it! I will pray for you. You need to get to a meeting ASAP if you are serious. JUST DO IT, asks questions later..
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
I'm afraid of everything. Mostly rejection I think. I have severe anxiety too. But I am listening to you. I just looked up the local number for AA. If I can stop crying long enough I will call. I just need to find the strength. And I will.
I give up. I called the local AA number. Had to leave a message. Someone called me back and I sear - he was DRUNK. Stumbled over his words and only looked up what was already available over the internet. I could have done that. He seemed bored to even talk to me and hung up on me. I feel even more hopeless now. I reached out and this is what I get???
welcome..I like what SoberSteve said.."Its Here and its Free". No one wants to admit they are a helpless But this is one battle that you Have to raise the white flag and surrender to win it...
-- Edited by LastOneLeft on Sunday 14th of March 2010 08:30:22 AM
Aloha Christin...It seems like you've got more excuses not to go than to go and that I understand. I went when I had only one reason to go...to get help to stay alive. I had tried it once before and I was to frightened, angry, defiant and prejudiced (I'm not like them) to sit down and stick. I went when there was nothing left for me and I went inspite of being afraid. The voice on the other side of the phone told me my life depended on the conversation and the follow thru. I went and it did. Be afraid and go anyway at least for the first time. The second time it will be a bit different and easier and the time after that also.
Some of us get hooked up to the hotline and tell the hotline operator to have people call us in time of need if they want to. Dean mentioned asking another or other women to take you to a meeting. Maybe the hotline operator has those same links. He may not have sounded helpful or sober the first time maybe the next. Keep trying until you get someone who will speak with you about the problem...your life depends on it. (((((hugs)))))
I give up. I called the local AA number. Had to leave a message. Someone called me back and I sear - he was DRUNK. Stumbled over his words and only looked up what was already available over the internet. I could have done that. He seemed bored to even talk to me and hung up on me. I feel even more hopeless now. I reached out and this is what I get???
Try again and ask for a woman. One of the things we have to address in getting sober is H.A.L.T. Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired (and I'd add exercise). Drinking makes us dysfunctional and withdrawn. So to feel better we need to make sure that we are getting 3 good meals a day (and plenty of water), watch our anger and try to avoid it. Make some social contacts by calling a few people and get out and see some friends. Make sure that you're getting plenty of rest even if you need to take naps. Exercise every day. Get out and walk for 30 min to an hours, in a park, down by the water, somewhere you can see some animals and get out of your head. Sitting at home and going over your past and future dissappointments is a prescription for sadness and depression. You can NOT feel your way to better living, you have to Act (take action) your way to better feeling.
Sitting around moping is only going to make it worse. Your disease want's you to feel sorry for yourself so that you'll drink. Your disease wants to kill you and it will. If you want to live, you do what we did to get sober and free yourself from the monster that is your alcoholism. Get busy and get to a meeting, you life is depending on it. Write down the meeting that you're going to, pick out some clothes, hop in the shower and get ready, eat a good meal and go. You'll be surprised how easy it is and how happy the people in the meeting will be to meet you. Make sure that you identify yourself when the leader of the meeting asks if anyone is here for their first meeting. And raise your hand and just say your name. You don't have to say that you're an alcoholic. It's not required. The only requirement is a desire to stop drinking. That's it.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Sunday 14th of March 2010 09:32:12 AM
I give up. I called the local AA number. Had to leave a message. Someone called me back and I sear - he was DRUNK. Stumbled over his words and only looked up what was already available over the internet. I could have done that. He seemed bored to even talk to me and hung up on me. I feel even more hopeless now. I reached out and this is what I get???
Try again and ask for a woman. One of the things we have to address in getting sober is H.A.L.T. Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired (and I'd add exercise). Drinking makes us dysfunctional and withdrawn. So to feel better we need to make sure that we are getting 3 good meals a day (and plenty of water), watch our anger and try to avoid it. Make some social contacts by calling a few people and get out and see some friends. Make sure that you're getting plenty of rest even if you need to take naps. Exercise every day. Get out and walk for 30 min to an hours, in a park, down by the water, somewhere you can see some animals and get out of your head. Sitting at home and going over your past and future dissappointments is a prescription for sadness and depression. You can NOT feel your way to better living, you have to Act (take action) your way to better feeling.
Sitting around moping is only going to make it worse. Your disease want's you to feel sorry for yourself so that you'll drink. Your disease wants to kill you and it will. If you want to live, you do what we did to get sober and free yourself from the monster that is your alcoholism. Get busy and get to a meeting, you life is depending on it. Write down the meeting that you're going to, pick out some clothes, hop in the shower and get ready, eat a good meal and go. You'll be surprised how easy it is and how happy the people in the meeting will be to meet you. Make sure that you identify yourself when the leader of the meeting asks if anyone is here for their first meeting. And raise your hand and just say your name. You don't have to say that you're an alcoholic. It's not required. The only requirement is a desire to stop drinking. That's it.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Sunday 14th of March 2010 09:32:12 AM
I couldn't have put this better myself, I was going to say the exact same things, I have never taken a drink because I needed the drink, I drank because I had the symptoms that only a drink could cure, what I didn't realize it was my mind that created the symptoms in the first place.
To get sober I had to be willing to go to any length, I had to do what it takes to get it done no matter what.
Period.
I know it's hard, I know it's scary, but I agree with Dean and Jerry, Call again and ask for a woman, then when said woman calls you back, tell her what you told us, ask her to take you to a meeting, her and another woman, (or two different women) will either come meet you and take you to a meeting, or meet you there.
There is no try, there is only do Yoda (and my Da)
Today can be the first day of a new life, or simply a continuation of your old one, the choice is yours, you don't have to do this alone, and if you reach out and take action, you never have to drink again.
-- Edited by AGO on Sunday 14th of March 2010 10:17:15 AM
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Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a night, light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
Christin, welcome. I was shaking with fear when I went to my first meeting. Literally. I came out feeling rejuvenated and happy. I'd honestly thought that there was no way that I would stop drinking. By going to that first meeting, I now realize that there is a solution in the AA program. It's working for me today.
Yah. there is hope Christin. I have seen miraculous changes in people. AA is a ready made support group and the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. I used it to relearn how to live life on most all levels. Yeah. Go to a meeting, don't expect overnight changes, but trust the process and be willing to do all that it takes. That is my suggestion.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I was just thinking the other day about how I would never tell medical staff the truth about my drinking because they wouldn't understand?, and just what a perfect example of diseased thinking that was. You have to find your own truth. Meetings are an excellent place to start. Was it hard to go-YES, most of us were living in constant fear, anxiety or anger, which is pretty much a reaction to fear. At first the alcohol seems to make it better. Then the alcohol rules and fear runs rampant. It's hard to ask for help, but it is out there for you. I suggest get yourself to a meeting ASAP. I got a glimpse of the window where I could see hope just by sitting and listening. That's all you have to do, show up.
Welcome, yes there is hope. You are not alone. Of course I did not feel like there was any hope in the beginning. I kept coming back and "one day at a time" by listening to other people sharing their experience, strength and hope, I saw and heard that it was hope for me. I did not have to continue drinking, thinking and living the way I was, if I didn't want to. I went to AA meetings, got a sponsor and my sponsor took me through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. My life has not been the same since. Don't give up Keep Coming Back!
Even if you have drank since your last post please come back and share with us. You obviously had a way to use the internet to post so remember google is your friend. Do a search for AA meetings in your area. Write down the time and place and use mapquest if you dont know where it is to get directions. Eat a good meal and just go. It will be the beginning of your new sober life!
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
I'm still here and still struggling. My disability has been delayed yet another week and for that I'm disappointed. But it's my own fault. My boss was quite pissy about it and how could I tell him that my excessive drinking was a large factor in recovery? For you that say I have a lot of "reasons", you're right. I can't disagree with logic. Why is it that I know all of these things but still can't (won't) change.
You know, I had an alcoholic uncle that I drove to AA meetings throughout my teenage years. I know what AA is about because I would stay with him during the meetings and actually enjoyed them quite a bit. I've never met more open, nice and welcoming people in my life. We (my family) tried for years to help my uncle. He died when he was 35 from an alcohol/drug overdose. He met a woman in NA that he married and that was the end for both of them. I remember being a teenager and going to pick him up from somewhere (can't remember where) and he wanted me to stop at the liquor store. When I refused to stop, he physically assaulted me. I had to pull over to the side of the road and force him out of the car. I went home with a bloody lip and bruises and I left him by the side of the road. I was disgusted by his behavior but now I'm no better, am I? I am going down his path.
I reached a new level today. I got up early because I'm trying to get back on a schedule. I was so miserable that I started drinking at 11am. I've always had this idea about certain things you can't do before noon, and drinking was one of them.
I don't know what to do. I return to this board because I find hope. Just when I want to end it, I think about this board. I've had thoughts of ending it this weekend because my daughter will leave for Florida on Saturday and I'm not to return to work until Wednesday. Which gives me plenty of time to off myself without anyone finding out for days.
So I swing between hope and despair. I know - I'm wallowing in my own misery. I seem to realize that but after a few drinks it doesn't matter anymore. I'm tired. I'm just really, really tired.
I really don't want to call the AA line again. I was treated so poorly when I called that it just reinforced my belief that they don't care. I've tried to search online for a meeting but there's nothing nearly. I have extreme anxiety, especially driving. I know, I know, more excuses.
I feel like I'm almost there. Almost ready to change my life. I'm so afraid of everything and I'm tired of it.
I thank you for listening to this babbling. I'm trying to work it out in my head and I feel supported here. You are the only ones who know my secret.
I am down in Florida and just North of Tampa but I found you a meeting in your hometown of Brownsburg, IN.
They meet FRIDAYS at 08:00 PM
It is a Closed Discussion meaning that all who attend have a desire to stop drinking It is Non Smoking It is Wheel Chair Accessible The name of the group is R.U.T.S. They meet at Messiah Lutheran Church Located at 801 S. Green St., Brownsburg, IN 46122
Now the rest is up to you. If you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, they have a solution if you want it.
If you had Cancer I am sure you would seek help from a Cancer specialist
Well, if you want to stop drinking, stop hurting and feel better, then this AA group is your specialist.
If you want it bad enough and if you are willing to go to any lengths I can guarentee that you never have to feel like you do today again.
Please don't fret so much about your circumstances. You're not a bad person, you have a illness that needs to be treated. Everyone of us felt like you do right now. We all felt unique and later found out that we're just garden variety drunks. Mostly it's what's going on between our ears that's colorizing our view of the world. Our perception is so distorted yet we rely on it as if it were true. Once we get going to meetings and realize that our thinking is severely flawed and that we can't rely on it, it's a great relief because that's what's been driving us to drink and feel miserably for years. We get so used to it, we don't know any other way. Well AA is about showing us how to live differently so that we can feel better. Our mind tells the opposite, that some how we can think our way to feeling better, but it'll never work like that and that's why this is an action program. I can prove it to you. Tomorrow morning, get up early, get dressed and go out for a walk (6 am or so) before people are hustling about leaving for work, just at dawn. Take 15 minutes and walk around paying all of your attention to the sites, sounds, smell, feel the air hitting your body, feel the temperature changing and dew. You might smell the bakery at the grocery store down the street baking fresh bread. You'll probably see some wild life bustling around, you'll see some stars fading and the pink hues of the sunrise signally the new day. It's fantastic and mere gift just to be alive and breathing. That's reality, that's life and everything that comes with it. It has absolutely nothing to do with what's going on in your head about yesterday, last year, 10 years ago or next week. It's just now. That's all you have is now. And when you are only living in the now, you are really alive. If you're stuck up in your head, you're not living you're just a video/audio tape playing over and over trying to change what is already done and gone. That's your brain taking over your body and soul. Your brain is Not you, you are the one that has to listen to all that junk about "ending it now or later..." Tell those voices to shut the hell up and get back to the reality channel which is the Right Now. Your Brain is Not your friend.
I'm still around and still drinking. Still tired of feeling this way all the time. I lurk on this board every day because I find inspiration and hope. I have not been to a meeting and I think I know what's holding me back. I'm not 100% sure I'm buying into the entire AA philosophy. Because I'm not sure which path to take I have tried something else.
I went to a new doctor on Thursday and for the first time in my life admitted my drinking to someone else. I've always lied about it. I even lied to the neurosurgeon that just did my surgery. Fact is, I drank the night before surgery and started drinking as soon as I came home from surgery. I've been thinking SO much lately about how I want to tackle this issue. Anyway, I was scared to death to reveal this information to the doctor. The more questions he asked, the more embarrassed I became. You know what? He didn't judge me. He asked if I was willing to seek treatment of some kind and I said yes. He gave me the name and number of someone who can help. I haven't found the courage to call yet though.
I do have questions for you. What is it about AA that works for you? Is it the coming together of people like you? Is it the steps? I'm curious because if I call the number my doctor gave me and he wants to do counseling, do you feel it's more beneficial to be surrounded by others or is it more beneficial to deal with it on your own? Also, once you decide to seek treatment, should you tell other people? I ask because to my knowledge, no one knows about my problem. I do occasionally go out for drinks with friends but never drink much. I do all of my drinking at home alone. As screwed up as I am, I still do fear drinking and driving.
I'm sorry this is so random. For those of you who reply with "get to a meeting ASAP" I understand where you're coming from but I just can't do it yet. I feel like I'm close to doing SOMETHING but I'm not sure which avenue to take yet.
Finally, I really wanted to let all of you know you're really helping me even though I don't know any of you. I get on the board every day and read and it provides me with a great deal of insight and hope. I've even started dreaming about some of the posts I've read. How weird is that? But tackling this is on my mind all of the time.
hello Fallonhurts. Yes the fellowship and the coming together is the power that helps us to stay sober. We become family to each other and it's our combined strength that gets us through the tough times without drinking and it does get much easier the longer we avoid taking that first drink.
You know what? There were people I met in AA who had various problems with speech and stuff because they'd been injured in some way due to accidents while drunk. He may be one of those. Or he might have been sleeping and when I get woke up, I don't speak too clearly either.
Call again and next time, do what's been suggested. Ask for a woman. There's nobody here who would believe that there's just nobody there who can help you. You either want the help or you don't. If you want the help and you truly want to get sober, you have to be willing to go to any lengths to get it. And picking up the phone again and asking to talk to a woman isn't very far to go to get help. You don't even have to get off the couch.
I had to come to the point where I wanted to get sober so bad that I didn't mess around with excuses why I couldn't do whatever I had to do to get sober. By then I was willing to do anything that was suggested to me.
Now, you ask what it was about AA that helped me. It was the fact that every single person I met there had been where I was and they knew exactly what it was like. They knew how I felt, they knew how I thought, they knew what I was going through, they knew what I was afraid of, they knew more about me than I knew about myself. And they loved me anyway! I couldn't say that about counselors and doctors and I couldn't even say that about my family anymore.
I love this program! The basis of it is one alcoholic sharing with another alcoholic and sharing experience, strength and hope. AA is so effective at treating our disease that in most states I know of, treatment centers can't even get a license to operate unless they incorporate the AA program into their care plans and their aftercare.
There are three 100% sure outcomes for the disease of alcoholism that I can think of---insanity, death or recovery. I've chosen recovery and I've chosen the method of finding and staying in recovery with the greatest success and that's the program of AA.
I've heard it said that AA isn't for everyone. But I tried it with all my heart and it worked for me. I recommend it heartily to you. I know how hard it is to pick up the phone and call and I know how easy it is, once you've made that call, to look for reasons you can't accept the help that's offered. Instead of looking for reasons why it won't work, why not enter with a mind as open as you can make it and just see what the program has to offer on the chance that it will work? If you make the effort and it doesn't work for you, you're free to go right back out and drink some more. Nobody will come to your door trying to get you back and nobody will call you on the phone.
If you still don't want to do that, then at least don't forget where the help is so that when you really do hit bottom, you can come back and make the call again.
