Hi, Today my Bride and I spent the morning reviewing our time together. In 1972 on this day we were married for the first time. Seven years later I had a gun to her face. My bottom was close. My time came, I could no longer live with alcohol and drugs. Alcohol had "finally beat me into a state of reasonableness". I surrendered. AA welcomed my broken dangerous self. My bride went to Al Anon. Ten months into my recovery my Bride found it necessary to file for separation. Once the alcohol and drugs were removed I became a different kind of sinister. The separation turned into divorce. The judge agreed that it would be to dangerous for her to live with our three little girls in the same town as me. She was granted a move 1850 miles away. A long dark four years of many meetings , much reading of the books, sleepless nights, outside help, losing everything, many inventories on specific issues was required of me. I became much safer, We were reunited. We had a fine AA and Al Anon second marriage with many of our family in recovery. My vow was simple --- I will try not to hurt you. That was enough. 26 years later , the little girls all have children of there own. We set them free to live and love as they saw fit. It worked. The amazing Grace of the program humbles me to gratitude. As we shared today we saw there were no "mistakes" every single thing both good and bad were necessary to help us grow to the place we are at today. Two people in recovery who did the do in order to grow in Love. It works !!!!!!!!! We do Love each other. We do love continued recovery. We do Love, Love. (P.S. The anniversary sex was absolutely great)
You're telling my story. After four years of marriage and a son my Alcoholism became too much for my wife to bear and she divorced me. Fast forward 21 years and two more failed marriages. I found myself in a posistion to make amends to our son and explain to hime that the fault for our divorce lay squarely on my shoulders. I told him I never lost my love for his mother. I was stunned when he informed me that she still loved me also. I called my ex and we started long distance dating as she lived 500 miles from me. a year later we remarried and we have been happlily married for 22 years this time. The difference is I am sober and think of her needs first instead of my old selfishness. On every occasion I try to spoil her. She has caught on and does the same to me. I can't think of a better basis for a marriage than when each party is trying to spoil the other by thinking of their partners desires and needs first. Amazing things happen when you work the AA program.
I often jokingly tell people that our divorce was a failure.
Larry ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect. It means you decide to see beyond the imperfections
Toad and Larry - I've got a lump in my throat as big as an apple and tears in my eyes right now.
My wife and I have been separated for 4 long years now, after 28 years of marriage. My behaviour while active was so outrageous and so unacceptable that teh right thing was for me to leave the family and the family home. There then followed another 10 months of rapidly escalating drinking, followed by this drunks rock bottom and entrance to AA (all fees paid in advance). Through the next 3 and a bit years, I have experienced some low bottoms in sobriety, but one day at a time, things have gradually improved.
We're still separated, but we are now best friends. Eileen is learning that AA isn't a dating agency (never was for me) and is less fearful of these drunks who, in her eyes, got me sober when she couldn't. I made formal amends to Eileen a couple of years ago and by staying sober one day at a time, for ME, continue to make amends. I have made amends to my son and daughter, who want nothing to do with me, as a direct result of my behaviur while actiive.
So why the lump and the leaky eyes? Well, it's 'cos I get real happy for other people when things work out for them and because your experience gives me hope that my relationship with Eileen will move to the next level given time.
Thanks Lads.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Do the right thing always and the rest is in Gods hands. I don't know how long you've been sober but I was sober 11 years before a reconcilliation was possible.
You mention kids, yes I have also and it is tough when they shut you out. My wife was married for a short time to another man and she had a daughter by that marriage. That young Lady hated and resented that I had come back into her mothers life. I just continued to treat my step daughter right and we all know right from wrong. I was always quick to come to her aid when her marriage was failing due to an abusive husdand but never pushed myself on her.
My Higher power AKA GOD must have guided me because today we have a wonderful father daughter relationship and she has became one of my most enthusiastic supporters. She often comes to me for advice instead of her mother. I can take no credit for this as It was God and AA that brought out the neccessary changes in me to allow this new relationship.
Keep working the program and God's plan for you will happen.
Larry -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Instead of asking God to change the circumstances in your life why don't you try asking God to use the circumstances in your life to change you
Hope someday it can come true for me as well..... I have had some strange events come up in my story lately though.. not sure if Im ready yet to share them...
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
I just love miracles also!! Just when I think I know something for sure and how somethings gonna turn out I turn it over and then I'm wrong again. Yay you guys just yay!!
And Bill, with your response I felt a little heavy hearted, for I know in your heart you ache sometimes for your family to just be together again.
Prayers for each and every one of you, that your lives continue just getting better, one day at a time.
Three big hugs being sent, hope you catch them.
Tonicakes
Yes, it hurts to be apart, but the damage of the years doesn't get repaired in months does it.
Sure I miss my son and Daughter, but they have their own path of recovery to follow and I need to remember that. They are not intentionally hurting me, of that I am sure.
But Larry and Toad have reminded me that things might change, just not in my time. I am so happy for these lads. Even if it takes 11 more years I'll still be under 65!
Maybe it needs to take a long time, I've heard that emotional development stops when you start drinking and re starts when you get and stay sober, so I reckon emotionally I'm about 18.
Prayers and hugs received and welcomed.
Gratefully learned from another post - maybe my attitude should be 'No Big Deal?'
-- Edited by bikerbill on Sunday 14th of March 2010 11:53:16 AM
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Toad, Larry, Bill, all you guys: thanks for these life-affirming posts. My program's feeling pretty good today.
These are the sort of things that I need to cache for those days when I don't feel like working my program, when that little tiny bit of the old thinking comes back and wants to tell me that it's dumb to be doing this stuff, etc. This stuff will help to squelch that, pronto.
