Not Enough Support

shanaqua · Newbie

Not Enough Support

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Hi Shanaqua, welcome to the board, you'll find a lot of support here. It is hard to get sober and harder to do it when people are drinking in the home. This disease kills people and getting sober, sooner or later, will be life or death struggle. With that said, moving away from people who drink, to get sober makes a lot of sense, and what good is a marriage if you're dying from a Curable disease? Is there someone else that you can live for 6 months to a year, while you're getting sober?

shanaqua · Newbie

I really have no where else to go. I've been thinking about asking my counselor about going in-patient. Maybe that will make them realize delaying their " quit date " has to come soon. Everyday for the past few months is gonna be the last day of drinking. any advice is appreciated.

AGO · MIP Old Timer

Welcome, getting sober is difficult even without those distractions, but it can be done.

I got sober tending bar with alcohol in my house. There seems to be two ways to treat alcoholism, the treatment industry, which says change your playmates and change your playgrounds, which was actually lifted directly from NA (Narcotics Anonymous) and AA which stresses working the twelve steps and having a personality change sufficient to bring about recovery from alcoholism.

Personally, I prefer the latter, in my experience it seems more effective with having long term sobriety, I tend to mistrust multi million dollar industries that make money if we drink or relapse. AA is free. In AA we learn the problem has been removed once we work the steps.

In AA each step has "promises" that I have personally found to be true, for example, the tenth step promises state:

And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone, even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.

AA works if we work it.

Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job wife or no wife we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God.

Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house.

Remind the prospect that his recovery is not dependent upon people. It is dependent upon his relationship with God.

Assuming we are spiritually fit, we can do all sorts of things alcoholics are not supposed to do. People have said we must not go where liquor is served; we must not have it in our homes; we must shun friends who drink; we must avoid moving pictures which show drinking scenes; we must not go into bars; our friends must hide their bottles if we go to their houses; we mustn't think or be reminded about alcohol at all. Our experience shows that this is not necessarily so.

We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind; there is something the matter with his spiritual status. His only chance for sobriety would be some place like the Greenland Ice Cap, and even there an Eskimo might turn up with a bottle of scotch and ruin everything! Ask any woman who has sent her husband to distant places on the theory he would escape the alcohol problem.

In our belief any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptation is doomed to failure. If the alcoholic tries to shield himself he may succeed for a time, but usually winds up with a bigger explosion than ever. We have tried these methods. These attempts to do the impossible have always failed.

If these sound good to you, perhaps attending a few meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous, find a sponsor and work the steps? It has worked for millions. You never have to drink again nor do you ever have to do this alone.

We are here for you

Edit: I don't what your religious leanings are, but in AA we are also encouraged to have our own concept of God, I worked the steps not with a Christian God, but with a God as I understand him. I got to choose my own concept, just in case that is a stumbling block for you.

-- Edited by AGO on Wednesday 10th of March 2010 02:53:37 PM

shanaqua · Newbie

Makes complete sence... thanks...going to an AA meeting this evening.

AGO · MIP Old Timer

shanaqua wrote:

Makes complete sence... thanks...going to an AA meeting this evening.

You just made my day, please, keep coming back, we DO care so very much

Just Toni · MIP Old Timer

Hi shanaqua,

Welcome, yes you will receive a lot of support here.

Truth, I have seen some folks here, that do get and stay sober, with peopleat home that drink, but I definitely could never in a zillion years have been able to do that.

Agree with what Dean suggested, find a place where you can live without any alcohol at all......you are just way too vulnerable right now....

Don't know your drinking history, or the history of the people drinking at home, but also, is there a chance that you could give them some boundaries, like "I cannot live here with Alcohol in the House, Period" If they are planning on joining you, possible that support could start immediately.....

Very tough situation.....reminds me of that saying that had proved so very true to me.

"If we keep our Sobriety in Front of Everything (People, places and things)" chances are very good that we can keep it.

"Put Anything else in Front of your Sobriety, Chances get slim that we can keep it"

This is YOUR time, and don't know if you have heard the expression that this is a Selfish Program....sounds like it just might fit into your life today.....

Here's hoping you get to an AA Meeting, find a good Sponsor, someone with a good amount of time, and let her be your confident in these matters.....as well as beginning the life saving work of the 12 Steps of this Program....

You titled your Post, not enough support, does not sound like you have...any at all....

again, Welcome, hope you will stay, just had a thought, did that outpatient program, have an In Patient Program, or just someone that you can go back to and ask for help, sounds truthfully like you need some good support.

A Big Hug
Toni

AGO · MIP Old Timer

Oh, PS, to reply to the actual title

I was unable to get support from people who were still drinking, especially alcoholics that still drank, I also found it ineffective to try to set boundaries on anothers drinking, all I had to do was look at my own drinking history to see that anyone trying to control an alcoholics drinking is like trying to herd cats that are on on meth, I am powerless over alcohol, that means I am not only powerless over my drinking, I am powerless over anyone else's drinking, so i had to let that go as a "condition" of my quitting drinking, I had to want to get better regardless of what those around me did.

I do agree with Dean that getting to a safe place will be helpful, but wanted to state we can get sober regardless of the circumstances, many of my sober friends still have spouses that drink and also tend bar.

Anyhow, I found all the support I ever needed at meetings, and trying to get support from drinkers was like trying to teach pigs to sing, I just get frustrated and the pig just gets pissed off.

mikef · MIP Old Timer

Hey Shanaqua! welcome to the family.Good advice already stated.Also don't beat yourself up ,get right back at it.meetings /people in recovery.You may have to set some ground rules with others/like I,M trying to get sober here and can't be in this environment and someone has to go or change(go probably faster than change)Your life depends on this so thinking about other things should come second! Glad you found us ,keep coming back,let us know how its going,seek help where you can,family,program,community etc...you can do this!!! smile

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

Aloha Sanaqua and welcome. There is much recovery here and deep support for
any alcoholic who wants to get and stay sober. Each of us have our own path to
that goal and what was required for me was honesty and willingness...both came
slowly and while they came I didn't drink. I am from the leaving drinking places
and people and one of them was my own alcoholic spouse who eventually got
sober herself years after I had gone. It broke my heart and I didn't drink over
it. In the words of my early sponsor to me, "Find and use what ever you can to
gain and maintain your sobriety." I did that and still do that. The meetings, the
sober alcoholics, the literature and especially work with newcomers. What an angle!!
when I work with someone else who has the problem my problem shrinks and goes
away. So there is a lot of experiences here that have kept us sober and clean.
Take what you like and leave the rest.

I am also a double winner meaning that I came into the rooms of AA thru the rooms
of the Al-Anon Family Groups. I was born and raised within the disease and I tended
to build relationships and marry addicted women. Therefore moving off from the
wife I drank with who chased my style of drinking, who I tried to teach how to drink
and when she failed ruined my own. Stopping for me literally mean't everything;
my behavior, my thinking, my trying to manage my own life and the life of my
spouses (3) and my family. I could never do that let alone my own while I also
drank alcoholically. Alcoholic drinking took me to the door of death and not thru
it. The journey was long getting here and now I'm in support. smile

angelov8 · MIP Old Timer

I hope you find what you need. I go to meetings with many folks who initially dried out through in- or out-patient treatment, then stayed sober by working the steps and AA. Without continuing to embrace AA, most I know who have tried treatment begin drinking again.

I would like to share that I got sober while tending bar and with an active drinker at home. From the very start I decided to do whatever it took to stop drinking and I was told to put my sobriety above all else. I discovered that I did not have to quit my income or my marriage, which is what I was afraid of on the first day, and almost used as an excuse not to try AA.

My husband is supportive of AA and my recovery as long as I never try to comment, control, or stop his own drinking. Did it make it hard?, well his beer breath still grosses me out if he want to give a smooch. Sometimes I have to pass. I choose to focus on my own problem and then understand all else will work out the way it works out. There are no other issues such as violence or drama in our partnership so this has worked very well for me. I noticed today that more and more my husband "hides" his bottles in the garage and other places, just like I did. Instead of being angry or sad, I was thinking how far I've come from thinking it's not weird to hide bottles in my old clothes drawer-to today, where I don't drink at all.

The best thing I can be is an example, in a circular way, it helps me stay sober. I talk with my sponsor regularly about the job and being around the alcohol. Everyone has to find their own way. The one thing that's always the same is that drinking controlled all of us and we couldn't stop on our own. The steps are the foundation and strength to do it and live a good life.

-Angela

-- Edited by angelov8 on Wednesday 10th of March 2010 06:13:27 PM

ljc · MIP Old Timer

Ask fiance' and his son to join you at a meeting .

And our book tells Us that we can get sober regardless of our present circumstances, provided that we do certain things . like ... trust God, clean house, help others. IN other words, go to meetings, get a sponsor , a book a God and work the steps.

What are you willing to do to not drink ???

joelo · Senior Member

The inability to stop drinking in support of your sobriety is very telling. A non-alcoholic would find no problem in cutting out alcohol altogether if he/she really wanted to support you.

So, in effect, either:

A. They're both alcoholics, and they cannot control their compulsion to drink
or
B. They don't care about your sobriety.

Of course, both could be true.

Stay strong. We support you.

Just Toni · MIP Old Timer

Hi again Nancy,

Just wanted to clarify something I wrote to you yesterday, when I suggested that you tell them clearly you cannot be in a house with alcohol, it had absolutely nothing to do with why or what they drink....that is "their" stuff....

Just that you don't want it in the house where you are working very hard at not drinking yourself. (as in go drink what you are going to drink, somewhere else, just NOT here)

I hope you have looked into the Inpatient program and hope too that we will see you here today and let us know how you are doing.....

Last night I had a pretty interesting conversation with my Son, who had a old friend from Chicago coming out for a week to visit....I really love this person, but have to say, about half of the phone calls in the last years from him, he was totally drunk on the phone, not making any sense.

So I asked my Son last night, has he ever been to AA, his answer was no, he just does not believe in that "stuff". and he followed with, he really does think he manages his drinking, then he went on to tell me, after I asked about any DUI's, yes he has had 3, and no longer has a car or driving privledges, he worked out at an airport, as a Traffic Controller, but because of Budget cuts, now is not working, moved back in with his parents, this man is 52 years old......Trust me please, I am in no way passing any judgement on this person that I do care so much about, I am only referring to the utter insanity of the Disease of Alcohol, and how truly blessed we all are with our own Sobriety, it is one very Precious Gift from God, and He allows this by us doing the work, and and continueing to work the Steps of this Beloved Program one day at a time. Truthfully there is nothing I would not do for this dear soul, but the sad truth is, I am just Powerless over his Actions. He is well aware of my being in the AA Program for 19 and half years of continues sobriety, just one day at a time, but the dotes never connect to him. We have had maybe 7 conversations, when sitting in a car for a long talk, whenever I have been back to Chicago, but now I no longer bring my own love for the AA Program, or any mention of it....He will be staying here with me for 3 or 4 days of this coming week, but No Alcohol will be here that is a given.....

Think now in retrospect, as I typing this to you, to say Please grab on for your dear life, with this opportunity in front of you today, for your own life may depend on it.....

Hugs, Toni

-- Edited by Just Toni on Thursday 11th of March 2010 01:52:25 PM

mnstar · Veteran Member

Hi--It is possible to sober up with people drinking around us. If I waited for the other people in my life to get sober with me I would have never quit drinking.

Time to step up and take responsibility, my friend. Some of these things can just be a disguised excuse to keep drinking, and early on the urge to keep using is very strong.

You can stay sober even if those around you won't. And, if you find that is too difficult it is time to move on. There are places you can go if you are willing to consider all the options.

Are you willing to do whatever it takes to stay sober?

Good luck!