I was tempted. A beautiful spring day, a long lonely drive, cash in my pocket, in a town where nobody knows me and a liquor store. And this was 45 minutes after a meeting and 1hr&45 minutes after seeing my shrink. Why didn't I stop and get a 1/2 pint of Smirnoff Triple...clean enough that nobody would smell it behind mints?
It had nothing to do with being on-track for my 2nd 60 day coin. It was because I didn't want to stop growing and progressing.
When we start addictive drinking, we halt & arrest our maturation. Sure, we grow older and we grow up...but we don't mature. Relationships come & go because they "outgrow us", and our coping mechanisms stop developing. From age 14 on, the coping mechanism of drinking and drugging precluded every other piece of emotional growth that could have occurred.
I didn't drink today because I don't want to be 14 again any more. I want to be a man...and it would seem that God wants me to be a man, too.
emotional sobriety takes time and we need to hang in for it to happen. I remember things profoundly changing for me, emotionally, after 5 years. It needs to a real goal odat of course. Glad that you didn't cave Rob
Way to go Rob! I almost had something similar last night, for a flicker of an instant. B/c I have AA and all you guys out there in this worldwide Fellowship and I'm learning to listen to you all, that's all it was, a flicker.
While I don't know what it is like to be sober any longer than 17 months...I would say that the whole journey in AA has largely been about growing up and I am sometimes kicking and screaming along the way but always grateful I walked through whatever fear afterwards. If it takes another 3 and a half years to get to a comfortable spot...so be it. But I am part way there and so are you Rob...
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Think about it and work your process.Its amazing how our HP will let us ask the question,spread it all around and then let us answer our own solutions and thereby reenforcing our process to begin with.Way to go Rob!!!
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
The problem Rob mentioned, of arrested development, is SO SO true...and especially bad if alcohol was not the only drug. I am 62 going on maybe 27, and that has been confirmed (by testing) as brain impairment from drinking/using so much for so long (plus effects of repeated head trauma & street-life trauma, so I have the delayed maturity and cognitive deficits worse than some).
In order to do a good job and stay employed, and to have and maintain relationships, to manage my day-to-day affairs etc. I have to consciously do certain things every day to counteract the basic immaturity I am stuck with. Believe me, at my age this is just a little humbling (when it's not just plain embarrassing). Sometimes it causes me trouble to be so out of step (maturity-wise) with my non-alcoholic peers. I am so grateful for AA, which understands all this, and provides the steps and so much wisdom for living with it more successfully.
Wow just reading all the post on this reminds me that I'am still just a child trapped in a 40 year body. My reactions to life slowly progress as I stay sober, but still just for today I love hangin out with the teenagers at my job! I just don't seem to have a lot to relate to with the supervisors, they all are to mature for me. Laughing. But I enjoy each day I can be happy with others and as well as myself. It's a gift that keeps on giving. All I have to do is not drink, and come to meeting and help others.
I just had a very similar experience this morning, first paycheck in months, beautiful weather etc. Not quite ready to fess up to my sponsor how close I was feeling to drinking I googled "don't drink today" and it led me to this forum and this thread. I have now contacted my sponsor. The message about personal growth and maturation was spot on for me. Because I was playing games in my head about the fact that I have been sober most of the last 2 and a half years with three different 1-3 week relapses but have still made progress in my life. I think this is true but I also know that no matter how short an active relapse my thinking is screwed up for weeks or months afterword. I am really getting some of the promises lately and want to keep going.
Think about it and work your process.Its amazing how our HP will let us ask the question,spread it all around and then let us answer our own solutions and thereby reenforcing our process to begin with.Way to go Rob!!!