Yesterday morning I woke up late for work again. So, I called in, again. Now I'm not sure if I even have any sick days left. You see I'm sure I've used them all up, I've had to by now, but I always have a story to explain it away or I'll take my write up and make it to work long enough for it to come off my record. Now keep in mind "making it" means showing up still drunk or hung over most of the time..... The first time I got drunk I was 6yrs old. My sister and her friend told me it was koolaid, it was Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill and I loved the taste.  The next time I was 14 and it was something my friend and I stole from her dad's liquor cabinet and I loved the taste. We mixed drinks in my bedroom for hours, somehow convinced my mother to let us walk to the store and the next thing I remember was being picked up by Mom at some neighborhood guys house ! And woke up the next morning to realize I was no longer a virgin.  My mother never punished me or discussed anything about it except to say she hoped my hangover was punishment enough. Then it all really began. The guy I dated at 15, well my mom liked his family, and so did I cause she wasn't much of one and Hell, he had one. He was a great partier and we had sooo much fun, (everyone loved the fact I could "keep up with the guys") except for when we would fight and he'd leave me by the side of the road or at someone's party, which became more and more frequent. ( most times I woke up the next day in some guys bed, somewhere. ????).  By the time I was 17 I was living on my own and he stayed with me alot cause I had the pad to party in. Friends out the ass! Man! Did I have friends, as long as there was a party or a concert to hit and remember I could keep up and I loved the taste of alcohol. And some  guy friends became lovers when he wasn't around. By the time I was 20 he and I were married and had moved on to cocaine. But I still had to drink while snorting otherwise I couldn't sleep. When my nose gave out a couple years later, we started smoking it. And with that I had to drink even more, smoke more, drink more, you get the idea. We fought thru ALL these years. He beat me, I beat on him. We broke things, we wrecked cars, we all but destroyed our house. We were on a first name basis with the cops....When I was 24 I got pregnant, stopped doing everything except counting back to make sure my husband WAS the father - he is -  but  sobriety  only lasted until my son was 2 months old. I started drinking again. Then came the crack smoking again and more drinking. By the time my son was 6 months old I had a full blown drug and alcohol problem again, but I didn't know it. So, I decided the way to fix it was to leave. I left all right, straight into the arms of another man. This guy was gonna be different. He ONLY drank. He didn't use drugs, except for LSD or mushrooms (and were those really drugs, I done that a couple times and never got hooked on those) and I gave up the crack very easily to my surprise. The first couple years were great, partying, drinking, hanging out with friends, lots of concerts but  things changed after the I dos were said. We started fighting, first just arguements, then it went to full blown fist fights. He choked me to the point once where both my eyes were black for weeks. He split my head open by pushing me into a cabinet. I have scars I have no idea where they came from. Now keep in mind thru all of this; crappy mom, husbands 1 and 2,  sleeping around on husband 1, I managed somehow to raise a child, keep a job and a clean house!!  Hey, as long as the house was clean, the kid was fed and a paycheck was coming in there was no way I had  problem.  Drug addicts and drunks live in filth, abuse the kids and dont' work, right !! After 8 yrs of marriage to hubby 2, well, my drinking was his fault, so I left him, thinking the drinking would stop if I stopped with him. And guess what , it DID. I had bought a business a few years prior so then I bought a house, I bought a new car. I got a 2nd job for the insurance and benefits. I stopped sleeping around, but it ony lasted 6 months. The drinking started again, but no drugs this time and no men well, except for one, we met for dinner, drank margaritas, went back to his place and drank more, but the difference there was that lasted almost 2 yrs.   (and btw he's not a drunk not  a drug abuser nor is he a fighter or wife beater so I thought I could be sober or a social drinker if I was with him ) And this -  this is where  I am today: I still have the business but it's just barely hanging on, I still have the house and it's slowly falling apart, I still have the car but it's been wrecked 3 times, I still have my son who's probably more screwed up than I'm willing to admit, I still have the crazy mother, but thank god she lives 500 miles away now, I still have the 2nd job but am skating on thin ice  so, this past Friday I went out,  only to see a friend Karoake at a local Mexican place. I was only going to have ONE maybe 2 beers, I had to be at work Saturday at 6am. Next thing I knew I woke up late  and called in .......I've written  all this to say when I  fianlly went outside Saturday afternoon I got really truly for the first time scared when I saw the car was banged up again - I don't remember - , I no longer see that guy of almost 2 yrs and got scared I'd wake up in some strange man's bed again.  SO I finally admitted I can't do this alone. I am powerless over alcohol and I went to my first AA meeting Saturday night, my 2nd one Sunday morning and my 3rd one Sunday night. I plan to be at my 4th one tomorrow, The 4th of July.........