my husbands drinking is getting slowly worse. i dont know if he has a problem or not.
his drinking is not social drinking but its not like bad bad either.
we used to drink together and loved it, before i got into aa ive been sober 10 years now. i sobered up he kept on. he does drink heavy sometimes but never says he has ever had a craving has in the past hd 1or 2 and stopped. but i think hes a heavy drinker not sure if addicted. last few years hes been drinking large cans of booze on the train on the way home from work. he said bc of stress. his job was really stressful. it worried me but i also thought bc he is not out of control drunk i am over reacting. now days sometimes? often? when i go to an aa meeting he will go and buy some large cans and get a bit drunk. this annoys me greatly but i thought, well its not like hes falling down drunk and drinking vodka. he can stills tand up and hes only a small bit drunk. I mean some people enjoy drinking it doesnt mean they havea problem. Man i read what i wrote and its like HELLO!!! PROBLEM! then i read it again and its like i am over reacting no problem here! now most times when he goes to the corner shop he gets a large can and drinks it fast on his way home. this worried me, i though that is a bit odd, not social drinking. but i think well hes not really drunk and out of control drunk falling all over he place and its only a can or maybe 2 so i am over reacting.
last night i camehome from a meeting and he was really drunk, man he hide it well though. he doesnt fall over. his words are just really slurred. he looked like death all gray and sick. he said he felt sick and was going to bed. said he was havig breathing problems - he has asthma so this scared me. i thought he was either drunk or really sick. i didnt register how drunk he was. he was then vomiting up in bed and i got a bucket for him. i was really worried about him and even though i had a idea it was because of booze i still was worried. i comforted him. he was really embarassed and upset kept saying sorry for 'letting me down'. i did not nag him or say anything mean. but i did say i loved him and he could never let me down. i felt really sorry for him. i think i enabled him by soothing him and comfortin. i should have not been doing that. This is messing me up, messing my thinking up
for myself it took being alone with no one to comfort me to get me to an aa meeting.
anyways this morning he said sorry and was really ashamed. i said what are u going to do about it. an he said stop drinking cider for a while. (YEAH RIGHT I AM THINKING)
anyway i see i have been concerned for his drinking for many years now, watchig for signs of addiction , stupid me. and comparing his drinking to my own and being baffled by his drinking behaviours, it seems odd to me. my drinking was not like his. so i am wondering if he has a problem, if i am over reacting.
i see he might have one, he might not. his drinkign doesnt have to be like mine to be a problem. but also i might be projecting my own drinking issues onto him.
i hope he is only a heavy drinker and not an alki, but his drinking is slowly getting worse. its not social drinking. its not safe for health reasons. whether its addiction i dont know. for me there was no line i knew to not jump over, it snuck up on me.
for me, my drinking, i was out of control a real bitch and abusive when i drank, abused others and myself, over emotional, out of control behaviour. my husband is not like that hes very in control, quiet. though only a few occasions bad stuff has happened because of his drinking. really upsetting stuff but only a few times.
but i guess i will wait and see and i hav to get to an alanon meeting.
its very confusing and i dont know what is what. trusting my own perceptions is something i struggle with anyway.
-- Edited by slugcat on Thursday 25th of February 2010 07:48:11 AM
-- Edited by slugcat on Thursday 25th of February 2010 07:50:20 AM
-- Edited by slugcat on Thursday 25th of February 2010 07:50:48 AM
We are "powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable!!He is the one that can come to this conclusion.I believe you making Alanon is a great step.I also am an alcoholic and a parent of an addict,so wearing 2 hats at times is a little weird but programs offer different tools to help us know that we also are powerless over our addict/alcoholic/co-dependent etc.....You are correct you can not compare your process to you husbands.Remember that some are sicker than others but the key word here is "sick"..Be honest with your feelings,great idea for Alanon and reenforce your sobriety.Remember above all your recovery has to come first and stay intact or you'll just add 1000% heartache to already difficult situation.Trust in your Higher Power for guidance and strength.You know for me there was no "just a little bit" in fact in all areas of my life I always go 'full blown" so I have to see myself coming by staying in the solution and know when my obsessions and compulsions start 'kicking up"One day at a time we do this but you don't have to ever do this alone.Let us know how its going,i will keep you in my prayer chain..Peace ,for real.............
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
slugcat, all of the deliberation is useless because you can't do a dang thing about it. Lead be example, go about your life being happy joyous and free. Get busy with life, hobbies, friends and let him sort it out. Trying to school him will make him go the other way, trying to be a close companion through it , imo, is enabling. You have a life, life is short, go live it to the fullest.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Thursday 25th of February 2010 08:32:56 AM
Who knows if your hubby's problem is alcoholism? I do know one thing for sure, if it IS - you are the last person who will be able to help. I have asked other members to speak to my family members/friends who have asked if I think THEY might have the same problem, 'cos it is an impossibility for me to help family members or close friends, it's a whole new relationship.
If HE starts to question whether he is alcoholic, that's the time for you to either invite him along to a meeting, or suggest you introduce him to a guy in the programme, and then you just butt out and stick close to alanon.
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Serenity is Wanting what you have, not having what you want
Always remember non-alcoholic beers are for NON-ALCOHOLICS
HI thank you AvrilG, StPeteDean,Susie, mikef, Thank you for replying. Yes i have to get to an alanon meeting. i cant control what he does. i think he is worried but what that means i dunno. thank you for telling me that i cant be his helper, i agree that would not work. if he wants some help i have a phone number of the booze counsellor at the doctors, and AAs phone number and a meeting list. i can try introduce him to a man in the programme if he asks for help.
thank you for the advice. yep i have to get on with my life, i am not much of an example. i have realised that this 'drama' last night is great way to take my own mind off my own problems. yikes, i am a messed up person i know and i dont want to damage him, enable, smother do anything unhelpful so i will get to a meeting and pray serenity prayer and try keep out of it!
live my own life i am seeing omg i am so co-dependant and lord knows how much i will realise after a few meetings.
i am so baffled, this disease stinks, all this time ive been comparing my drinking to his when he is a totallyt different person.
i spoke to my sponsor she says whether or not he has a problem, its effecting me so i need to get to alanon meetings and read their books and focus on me. which is funny because i do anything to not focus on me, man oh man. i am looking forward to going to a meeting for this and reading about how to cope.
thank you for the help
-- Edited by slugcat on Thursday 25th of February 2010 11:14:39 AM
Hey Slugcat, don't get down on youself. You're just naturally doing what someone in your position would do (being codependent). I think that you deserve very high praise for 1.) getting sober in a marriage, 2.) staying sober in a house/marriage with someone who drinks, 3.) keeping the marriage together through all of that. It's difficult, rare, and I couldn't do it. You're not a bad person, just a nice person who's a little too nice. Just take that niceness and use it on youself. Treat yourself extra special because you deserve it. I got a an awful lot of help with my codependency and adult child issues by attending those fellowships and reading John Bradshaw books "On the family", and "Healing the shame that binds us". I really enjoyed Coda meetings and I highly recommend them.
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