Okay, Early here in recoverry I find daily step-work sometimes exhausting; constantly keeping sobriety as a way of life in the forefront of my consciousness. Daily inventories, practicing acceptance, saying "God Grant Me..." instead of "God Dammit!" when I am vexed, sidestepping mental & emotional chuck-holes, reaching-out instead of internalizing, listening intently to the other 57 minutes of the meeting that aren't my Share, etc, etc, etc,. It can be really, really exhausting to the point where I say to myself "enough is enough and the world can just bugger itself!" Unless....
Ever play that game with a fortune-cookie fortune where you read the note and then add the words "in bed" to the end? Such as "Your persistence and hard work will pay off...in bed."
So, while sitting in the meeting today soaking up Step 2 and meditating upon what a drag meditating can be, I played the same game with Steps 4-12, but instead of "in bed", I added "with God." Such as "Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it...with God."
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Not quite so exhausting when I remember to put Step 3 at the end of 4-12!
Sometimes it does get overwhelming. But, I've found when I put God first everything else falls into place. It's when I leave him behind it all goes to heck!!
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Rheinhold Niebuhr
Rob, I remember feeling so overwhelmed, especially in the first year.....Morning prayer & meditation (and coffee), read something recovery-related before the meeting, go to the meeting, go for coffee after the meeting, prayer & meditation and a 10th step before bed......and do it all over again the next day. I was funning on fear. I was afraid that if I missed one piece of that I would soon be drunk. I gradually learned to achieve some balance in my life. I started making plans with other sober people for a night out---a movie, dinner. I read fiction here & there. But I never turned my back on AA or recovery, and I think that was important. I've seen too many people who just get tired of all this, who complain that they didn't get sober just to go to meetings. So they throw in the towel. With time I became more comfortable with living sober, and it wasn't so much an act of labor. My life was dictated for too many years by the fact that I was an alcoholic, and once sober I discovered I was also a human being. I've sat in many a meeting and "zoned out" in my own private exercise, whether putting principles before personalities or letting go or any number of lessons recovery has to offer. I think some of us use "working the steps" as self-flagellation, a punitive response to all the damage we did while we drank. Once sobriety became an act of love it was easier to swallow.
I have never struggled with "step exhaustion." Maybe service work exhaustion. Sounds to me like you are struggling with the H.O.W. of the program. Honesty, Openmindedness, and Willingness. That is pretty normal for us. They told me I had to change. Change what? Everything!
H.A.L.T,This works for me when it seems like a lot is going on in my life. My sponsor had suggested it to me one day. She told me that it stands for when we get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired. Sometimes I just need to halt. Keep Coming Back!
Thanks, ya'll! I am amazed, Mark. I am feeling the presence of God in my daily everything. I have to; without God in my everything, everything becomes too much.
"I am feeling the presence of God in my daily everything. I have to; without God in my everything, everything becomes too much."
That is an awesome way to put it. Sometimes I have gotten utterly exhausted with "the work" of staying, being, and living sober, but it is always when I start up with the 'ol EGO...edging God out.
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