Yeah. Despite all advice...I did start a relationship at 2 months sober that has been going on til this point of me being sober almost 17 months. I just broke up with him and am feeling a wide array of feelings that mostly suck. Thank god I have AA and nothing happens in God's world by mistake. I am free from trying to make this person into something that he was never going to be. I am free to focus on myself...but not to the degree that I drive myself crazy. When I got sober it was right off a 7 year relationship and I had no idea how to live by myself, be my own person, have friends. I am sure I will pass through some very uncomfortable feelings, but I think I will be okay. A friend in the program called me spontaneously as I was sitting in my proverbial shit, throwing around gifts given by the ex...crying. He came over as a friend and I was able to just talk. A gift of AA. I feel better now. I have been banging my head in this relationship for months trying to accept the other person while hoping deeply they would change. The inevitable was/is, we aren't compatible and I need to be okay with me. I guess it's a step in the right direction, but I feel like crap because I let myself love someone before I was stable enough to really accept them. I accepted things that were not really acceptable (in terms of what a relationship should be)...and now I need to accept that it is over. It is messed up how I can love someone that does not meet my needs, upsets me, drives me crazy, and come back for more. Much of my drinking was due to these codependency issues and I know this is the point where I really need to work this stuff out. No relationship will fix me and I have know all along this is an inside job. I don't want to be lonely and I have no idea how to be happy and single and not want a relationship. One sign of progress is that in every other relationship I had, when it broke down I became super self-destructive and that is when my alcoholism was most out of control. Not this time.
When people suggest that you don't get into a relationship in your first year, I can tell you why now. It is really because you are changing and growing so fast that you will wind up incompatible with the other person in short order. It's also a shitty thing to do to another person... I will say I basically used this relationship to buffer the scariness of setting out on my own and living by myself. Improper motives. Nonetheless, my heart is broken right now, but I only have to get through today and the next day and things will get better. Relationships are risky and trying, but it is not something worth drinking over. If I drank now, I would just cry all the time, be miserable, stop reaching out to friends, and go back to being totally nonfunctional.
Another thing...I listened to all suggestions in my first year but this 1. While I learned from this relationship and I don't all together regret what I did...I could have saved myself some pain and grown more healthy had I had the willingness to listen to that 1 specific suggestion. Oh well...can only move forward now. I will miss him and I am left with me now....but me is not so bad I realize thanks to AA.
Thanks guys for letting me get this off my chest. It's going to be a hard adjustment but one I need to make.
Mark
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Thanks for sharing, Mark. I think that someone who posted recently could actually get a lot out of what you said, as can many of us who are just recently finding out who we are and how we affect others.
Mark, I am sorry for your pain, though I know--as I think you do--that you will be OK. Prior to sobriety I found myself in one failed relationship after another. Men would hit me, and I would apologize because I had provoked them. How sick is that? And of course, being the crying, falling down, blackout drunk that I was, you can only imagine the kind of men who would have me.....certainly not the gentlemen! I did not have a "relationship" (so to speak) during the first year, but I did have a "friends with benefits" situation that rocked my boat a little bit. It turned out to be a chance for me to recognize that he and I had only our broken parts to share with each other. Over the years I found myself in relationships, and sometimes it was true what they said: A relationship is like pouring MiracleGro on my character defects. But I learned from them. And I had enough self-respect to get out of them when they were not healthy. With each relationship I marveled at how much more stable I was, how I could, after all, know intimacy. I was getting better. I spent the past few years alone--by choice--and being very comfortable with myself. Of course, you know what happens when you aren't looking: A wonderful man (who also wasn't looking) wormed his was into my life---or I wormed my way into his. It is the healthiest, most satisfying relationship I have ever know. We tolerate and encourage each others' idiosyncracies, we don't look to the other to "complete" us, and we celebrate the others' journey. I was very isolated during my drinking years, and in early sobriety I knew that I was at risk for "hiding out." I was very active in AA, in service work, and in the social activities that AA provided. But over time I have learned to treasure my own company. There is a difference between isolating and in being alone. I think I might have finally learn to love someone else without losing me.
When people suggest that you don't get into a relationship in your first year, I can tell you why now. It is really because you are changing and growing so fast that you will wind up incompatible with the other person in short order. It's also a shitty thing to do to another person... I will say I basically used this relationship to buffer the scariness of setting out on my own and living by myself. Improper motives.
Wow! Mark, Such honesty and wisdom - have NEVER heard it put so well.
My sponsor always used to tell me "Louisa, good or bad, NOTHING is ever wasted" We learn something from everything.
Sending you loads of love and a BIG BIG hug and yes, it's true, "you is definitely not so bad" infact "you is definitely pretty dam good" and you have alot to offer.
Hey Mark,thanx for sharing ,pain shared really is pain lessened!You got the right thought pattern ,don't let this be a 'reason to blot it all out"Stayed focused ,sober and it will work out.You got a shot as long as you dont pick up.Thanks for letting it go,man.It helps us all!!
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
How do the words of that old song go? "Stand yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again." You're sooooo human and most humans learn by doing. I did relationships like I did my drinking...when one is done order another as quickly as I could and use that one up as fast as I could. Isn't that what compulsive people do and are not alcoholics living with a fatal compulsion? I'm in a couple of relationships today Mark seriously...The first most important is with my Higher Power. The second is with myself firmly attached to this program of recovery (or I have nothing else) and the next is my spouse and family who are not as intimately attached to me at times and the former two. That is the way it is with me...my choice...my consequence. I arrived at these thru pain (the former consequence), and now have all three with less pain. It didn't come thru what I thought but what I finally did.
You have tons of value...keep coming back with them all.
I've had a few flings I guess you could call it during my time in the program but they never worked out. I did fall really hard for this one guy who was outside the program that I found out later should have been in it! He was a binge drinker & I didn't know he drank when we got together. Guess I caught him during a dry spell. I left him because of his drinking. He went back to his ex-wife whom he'd been divorced from for about 8-9 months. Now, I'm cautious & am just not interested in finding Mr Right....if he even exist!! I'm not out to get my heart broken over again! The good thing is while he got drunk I was able to stay sober during that time. I have no intentions of ever letting a man take me out!! Sorry, for your breakup. ((((PinkChip))))
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Rheinhold Niebuhr
Hey Mark -- thanks for being here and sharing on this. We and the rest of AA are here for you. Thanks to do this program and fellowship, we have the tools to deal with that pain without a drink.
Yep. Thanks Steve. I used those tools yesterday. Prayed a lot. Recognized this is an opportunity for me to become more whole on my own. I picked up the phone to let a bunch of friends know where I was at...shared it in a meeting without too much drama and airing my dirty laundry...One thing I can say is a relationship started out of neediness and fear of being alone is probably not going to wind up being a high quality relationship...Sure it can last, but it will wind up driving you nuts as you change and get healthier.
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pinkchip wrote:When people suggest that you don't get into a relationship in your first year, I can tell you why now. It is really because you are changing and growing so fast that you will wind up incompatible with the other person in short order. It's also a shitty thing to do to another person... Mark
ME TOO!!! I found this out the hard way too, which is why I am now one of those Goddamn party-poopers who jumps on anyone I see smiling at the opposite sex too soon in their recovery. Does this make a diffrence?? Nope, not in many cases, and I see this happening over and over and over, which is how I LEARNT the wrong way to do it (through my own experiences) I don't expect anyone else to learn through MY experiences, but I will go on trying to make them do it the right way.
BOTTOM LINE!!!! No matter WHAT happens to me today - I will NOT pick a drink up.
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Serenity is Wanting what you have, not having what you want
Always remember non-alcoholic beers are for NON-ALCOHOLICS
Just popped into this post to say hope you are doing ok, today. Please remember that you are loved first by your Loving HP, you own family, your AA family, and all of us here at MIP too!! Hope you will let that love sooth any pain you might feel...
A big hug,
Toni
-- Edited by Just Toni on Tuesday 23rd of February 2010 09:14:01 PM
sorry to hear that Mark. Time to be your own best friend for awhile. It did me a lot of good for the couple years that I stayed single. Best 4.5 years of my life.
Yah..im trying to learn that. It will take time. I still don't take care of myself that well and don't know how to treat myself that nice in my mind or in reality. It has gotten better in AA and I have coping skills now again that I'd lost, but I have a ways to go. So much of my drinking history has been tied around depression and fear that I can't take care of myself. Divorcing myself of that and using step 3 daily to let go of old ideas, place myself in God's care, and now other steps to help me grow up do seem to be the answer. I am tired of being a man child. A big part of this AA journey has just been a quest for me to grow up and at times I have been more willing than others. I don't drink though and keep working this program and good things do happen. And yes...I know it's a simple program and I don't have to make everything so complicated....That is coming to me with time too. I have hope...
Mark
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