This is a disease of the body and mind. It's a mental obsession + a physical addition that causes an allergic reaction. It's classified as a mental disorder and it's the only disease that tells you that you don't have one. I used to attend a very popular meeting in Va. affectionately called "the brain damage group". It was a men's meeting in McLean Va. and the core group members were seniors that were pillars of the community. Several prominent attorneys, judges etc... and about 300 younger guys (20's, 30's) like myself.
One of the older retired attorneys nick name was "stretch" I guess because he was about 6'-4". He came up to me after a meeting that we had on the 2nd step ("came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"). We had been discussing the insanity of our drinking and stuff we did whether it was hiding our drinking or our booze, calling in "sick", drinking and driving, having black outs... So "Stretch" is telling me after the meeting- "There are two kinds of insanity, Psychotics and Neurotics. Now a psychotic person believes that 2+2=5, they're way out there and may not be able to be helped. A Neurotic like myself (he acknowledged) knows damn well that 2+2=4 but we don't like it lol" he said in a low kind of sinister voice.
That information was pivotal to my recovery. Know I knew that I was expending a lot of negative energy about things that couldn't be changed like stop signs, red lights, other peoples actions (driving for instance) laws, rules, the list goes on. All that negative energy raised my stress level not to mention made me cynical, perhaps anti-social, and maybe a bit paranoid. So I was throwing booze on that to keep it in check and using lots a caffeine to get up in the morning/afternoon, which brought more stress etc etc...
What I've come to understand in these 20 some odd years is that my thinking about most things was either and/or flawed, skewed, prejudiced, cynical, exaggerated, judgmental, biased, skeptica, and a lot times down right ridiculous. I was aware of some but not all and counted these "view points and opinions" as assets to my superior intellect lol. What I found out later was they were impairments to my learning and understanding and severely handicaped my ability to have relationships. They were keeping me from having an open mind where I could be seeing clearly or perhaps just observing but not knowing. But that was a problem, because I was raised with a fear of "not knowing". To say "I don't know" was a sign of weakness or lacking education. Today I know that I don't know about 98% of what there is to know and about 100% of what we don't know. Interesting concept that "we don't know what we don't know". I know that I don't know how to perform brain surgery, but I don't know anything about the unknown cure for cancer although I have faith that there will be one. Hmm... I have faith in something that I don't know, that's interesting. And when I was having trouble with my drinking I didn't know it, and I didn't know that I didn't know how to treat it. Even when I did become aware that my drinking was a problem, my ego, that is charged with the responsibility to protect my psyche, convinced me otherwise. So it was my brain that kept me from knowing, that's also interesting. So how was I supposed to think my way out of this dilema when my mind was telling me that there was no problem? (to be continued...)
Yah...likewise. As smart as I like to believe I am at times....The only valuable stuff regarding sobriety usually just "comes" to me when I am not trying. Go figure.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Thanks Dean...This puts a nice spin on the saying "Came to believe or understand". I related to it all and own much of it myself except the math part. I'd rather drink than do that and then I get it better. 2 shots of scotch plus 2 more shots of scotch equal the desire for 4 more shots of scotch and then I can go cook dinner or find my spouse in a bar somewhere. I has happened. Psychotics are way more entertaining don't you think?
Thanks for that Dean. Isn't it great how longtimers always seem to know what we need to hear. I remember asking one of my sponsors what they meant by "a power greater than ourselves". he put his hands on my shoulders and leaned very close to me. he glanced around to see if anyone was standing nearby like he was going to share a big secret with me and then he said, "a power greater than ourselves" means....."a power greater than ourselves". Then he winked, released his grip and walked away. For weeks afterward, when other members were reading the steps and they got to that line he would elbow me. I was so glad he clarified that for me that I never asked what it meant to be restored to sanity.
